Survival at the bottom of the food chain can be quite precarious. With summer in full swing, the predators have flocked to the island to feast on the Aquidneck Cyclist. To avoid being placed upon the endangered species list it is important to understand the nature of our predators and how to avoid becoming a statistic.  They say its survival of the fittest, but I tend to follow the law of mass tonnage.

The beautiful Ocean Drive is a great place to ride, but lurking out there is the dreaded Tourist Outofstatis. This creature is a slow lumbering sort, but beware! It is probably the most dangerous. While it may look harmful moving at slow speeds, its unpredictability has caught many cyclists off guard. They tend to lurk in packs mostly around Breton Point and Bellevue Ave. They can be spotted easily by the slow movement and the tell tale out of state plate. If the passengers are looking around and pointing, BEWARE! The Outofstatis can and will pull over into your path to stop and enjoy the scenery and subsequently try for a quick stunning blow as the unwary cyclist smashes into its hard posterior. One exception to the slow moving theory is the New York Outofstatis. This creature is a veritable cheetah. Its favorite method of getting its prey is to speed by the docile cyclist and make an immediate right in front of its fleeing victim. Avoiding becoming a victim of the Outofstatis requires great concentration and awareness. The cyclist must use all of its keen senses to combat this nasty predator. Some things the cyclist may do in addition are the following:

1. Wear bright colors – Whether is that the Outofstatis is more interested in the challenge of seeking out prey which is camouflaged or whether it is bothered by bright colors is an area which the researchers are pursuing as we speak. At any rate, wearing bright colors seems to increase the suvival rate of the cyclist.
2. On weekends, get out early. Weekends are the prime feeding time for the Outofstatis. They usually are a fairly lazy bunch and don’t tend to stir much before noon. Some may begin stalking prey around the time the mansions open (10:00?), but the majority begin the hunt as the sun reaches its peak.
3. Beware when passing or don’t pass. Use extreme caution doing so and make sure the Outofstatis knows you are there, this generally works the best, as the Outofstatis won’t do anything unpredictable.

The Running Fool is a creature which I do not understand much about. It is usually in shape, and generally weighs less than the cyclist and its steed. It does however know the patterns of the cyclists and attacks by running straight at the cyclist in the opposite direction. It usually is unsuccessful in its attacks since the cyclist has plenty of time to react. On blind curves a cyclist is at the most risk. Its is important to give wide berth when rounding the curve to avoid the possibility of smacking head on into the runner.

Chickis Bodacious not really a predator (some may argue that point), but more of a distraction. This beautiful creature can be found frolicking about the coastal areas scantily clad and bouncing about. The natural reaction of the male cyclist is a violent neck jerk, which can cause a momentary loss of balance and direction. Some cyclists have been known to go down from this alone. If traveling in a pack with other male cyclists this can be quite dangerous, taking down the whole group. Alone, the cyclist’s lapse of concentration can make him vulnerable to one of the many other predators. I find that riding with my mate halts the neck jerk, but stealing a long look beneath the shades can still be a problem. If the neck jerk occurs with the mate present, a whole bunch of other problems can occur after the ride.

On any given day, the Pedestrian Nolookus presents a problem for the unwary cyclist. This beast can range in size from small to gargantuan proportions. They tend to be in areas with sidewalks or congregate about Breton Point and will step into the path of the cyclist oblivious to the cyclists as they head toward the sea to spawn in the surf. Wearing bright clothing may scare them away if they even look. Others say that making loud noises, such as wearing a cowbell around ones neck will also alert the pedestrian to the cyclist’s presence. The pedestrian is much like the grizzly bear and will avoid the cyclist unless startled or really hungry. The young of the Nolookus dart about quickly in small packs making up for lack of size with sheer numbers.

Cousins of the Nolookus are the Marble Cannibus Pedestrian. These seemingly docile creatures are found only on Bellevue Ave in the area of the Marble House. An endangered species themselves, due to uncontrolled hunting by the Outofstatis, the government has placed a special crossing for the species in the road which gives them right of way. Although a somewhat intelligent species, many times they fail to utilize this walkway and stumble into the ongoing traffic. They tend to stop and stare down oncoming cyclists and the dreaded Outofstatis as well. While the Outofstatis will accelerate and take them out, the cyclist is advised to slow and avoid confrontation.

Eight-wheeled Blader is an animal which moves fast, but can be extremely unstable and go out of control at any moment in time. It usually wobbles, flaring its arms about before diving on the ground in its attempt to knock the oncoming cyclist off his/her bike. Caution should be taken when passing and wide berth given to the bladed personis. This is the most effective method of avoiding confrontation. Just beware of the Outofstatis attacking from behind. Some say the two may work in pairs, with the Personis forcing the Cyclist into the Outofstatis’ path. Research is inconclusive, but proceed with caution.