The principles of Aikido, in that they represent the fundamental energy patterns of the Universe, can be very helpful in daily communications. The fundamental patterns are represented by the triangle, circle and square.
The triangle represents the sound - A
The circle represents the sound - I
The square represents the sound - KI
Aiki is the harmonizing of Ki. O Sensei said the body should be triangular and the mind circular. The triangle represents the generation of energy and is the most stable physical posture. The circle symbolizes serenity and perfection, the source of unlimited techniques. The square stands for solidity, the basis of applied control. Terry Dobson discusses these energy forms at length in Aikido in Everyday Life: Giving In To Get Your Way (see reading list).
It is important to operate from the center of these geometric energy forms; otherwise, the results will be ineffective, or destructive.
The triangle represents entering into the space of an attacker. A person who becomes a centered triangle is dynamic, entering, purposeful, energetic, forceful and proud. He or she is direct and candid, takes the initiative and seizes the moment.
An uncentered triangle, however, is obnoxious, jarring, encroaching, one-track, hostile, bullying and arrogant.
O Sensei said a good stance and posture reflect a proper state of mind. The key to good technique is to keep your hands, feet and hips straight and centered. If you are centered, you can move freely. The physical center is your belly. If your mind is set there as well, you are assured of victory in any endeavor, the Founder said. Physical attitude reflects mental attitude.
BackUse the centered triangle to assert yourself effectively. Toastmasters International offers excellent guidelines in its Interpersonal Communications Manual, and they can be combined effectively with Aikido principles. When you are in a situation where you have to take the initiative and express your concerns:
* State the problem. Describe the problem that concerns you.
* Tell your feelings. Explain to the other person how the problem affects you.
* Specify a solution. State what you would like done.
* Describe the consequences. Mention the positive outcome that will occur if the other person fulfills your request. Your efforts at assertiveness will be most effective if you follow a few basic guidelines:
* Speak up immediately. Don't wait for hours, days or weeks before approaching the other party about your problem. Dealing with the problem immediately will be less stressful and more productive.
* Be direct. State the specific problem and describe what the other party can do to remedy it.
* Be pleasant. A positive countenance and friendly tone of voice will make others more willing to do what you would like them to do.
* Be calm. Maintaining your composure will also help to maintain your credibility and to draw a positive response from the other person. If you act like an uncentered triangle, that is, outraged and aggressive, he or she will not want to help you. Set the standard with your mental and physical attitude, and the other party will tend to copy it.
Back to the TopThe circle represents turning and blending with an attacker. The centered circle is able to move with a force without being overwhelmed by it, to turn and see the other person's point of view.
The centered circle is fluid, can accept force, sees all sides, is fair, surprising, humane, reasonable and accepting.
The uncentered circle, however, is flighty, duplicitous, can be rolled, is impressionable, a pushover, tricky, neurotic and cowardly.
The person who keeps his or her center while being circular can move and turn like a stream-born-leaf. The circle can flow easily with any force, can see anything from all sides. It can perceive anything coming at it from any of 360 directions and still blend.
Angry statements and accusations are inevitable. After all, no one can agree with others all of the time. But conflicts can actually be healthy. People who are capable of expressing their different points of view without becoming hostile are less likely to suffer from emotional and physical stress and have a much better chance of resolving problems to the satisfaction of both parties. Criticism helps us recognize our flaws and correct them. It can make us stronger.
It's important, however, to first understand why it is so easy to become defensive when criticized.
How we handle criticism is related to the way in which we perceive ourselves and the way in which we would like others to perceive us. The way in which we perceive ourselves is called self image. Our self image consists of the beliefs and values we have about life and living in general, what is good, bad, right or wrong. We develop it in childhood. If we received positive treatment, we developed a healthy self esteem and positive self image.
The way in which we could like others to perceive us is called our public image. Most likely we try to present a favorable public image. We want others to think of us in a particular way, as honest, knowledgeable, patient, funny, helpful, and so we try to make our actions reflect these characteristics.
When people criticize us, they are making judgments that most likely conflict with our self image or public image. Being called a cheater, for example, may cause us to become defensive because we have always considered ourselves honest and were raised to be honest. On the other hand, we will probably become even more defensive if there is some truth to the attacker's accusation and we do have a flaw. We may respond to the attack as an uncentered triangle, disputing the other person's comments or bringing the other person's character into question as we try to reinstate our favorable public and self images. Nobody's perfect. That's why we practice a martial art that deals with conflict. Staying centered, and not being isolated in the ego, is the key. We can respond to verbal criticism in four possible ways.
* Withdrawing - Sometimes, we may choose to accept the criticism silently, without a response. We may even get up and leave the room. The benefits of such responses, however, are limited. This response would represent the uncentered square, unassertive and unable to take action. The conflict may not escalate, but we end up losing our self respect as well as our self esteem because we did not stand our ground and defend ourselves. We end up losing on the issue. On the other hand, there is the possibility in some situations of withdrawing in a centered manner, leaving the issue open for another, more productive, encounter. This is one of the functions of the triangle.
* Rationalizing. This is an uncentered circle. The strategy behind this method is initially to admit the merit of the criticism, then quickly follow with an explanation of why we behaved in that way. Unfortunately, by the time we've presented our rationalization, the other person has usually had more than enough time to find flaws in our response.
* Counterattacking. This is the uncentered triangle. Trying to divert negative attention from ourselves toward the criticizer is another common technique. Counterattacking only escalates the conflict and avoids the real issues.
* Responding non defensively. This is the centered circle. In this method, you listen calmly and without passing judgment, recognizing the other person's need to communicate. The problem is determined and then you begin working with the other person to resolve it. This option is obviously the most productive and rewarding, but it also requires the most effort on your part, and the most practice.
The following steps, representing the centered circle, may be used to respond non defensively:
* Listen. Usually we tend to take criticism at face value. In any conflict, however, a lot of feeling may be buried beneath the spoken words. It is important to listen with an open mind and ask questions to find out the feelings below the surface. Once these feelings have been addressed, it will be easier to determine the issues and resolve the conflict.
* Acknowledge. Indicate to your opponent that you recognize the criticism. Acknowledging criticism does not mean you accept or agree with it. Rather, you are simply recognizing that the other party has opinions and feelings that deserve consideration. This will help your criticizer feel that he or she is being listened to and aids in reducing anger. Take care with your tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures when acknowledging criticism. Any hint of sarcasm or disbelief puts you back on the defensive and makes the criticizer angrier. But if the criticizer feels you are sincere and concerned about resolving the conflict, and not just with pacification, your words will signal that it is acceptable to discuss those feelings.
* Ask questions. You might have forgotten or overlooked something. Or you and the other person may need to exchange more information that would clarify the issue. Sincerity is the important thing. Stay connected.
* Paraphrase. This is blending and moving with the attacker. Use your own words to reflect what the other person is feeling or thinking. This gives the other person the opportunity to clarify the message and to interject a comment if there is disagreement. It enables you to learn more about the problem. Paraphrasing shows the other persons that you are really listening.
* Agree with the truth. If the criticism has merit, why not say so? To deny the facts would only increase the other person's anger. But you do not have to agree with the other person's interpretation of the facts. You do not have to accept the other person's interpretation or judgment.
Once the real issues have been addressed, we are able to discuss possible solutions. While this is under way, we would want to:
* Remain calm. A non defensive response means you must keep calm as you are being criticized.
* Don't take it personally. Your criticizer may call you names or accuse you of outrageous actions, but this may simply be evidence of irrational or over emotional thinking.
* Use non verbal listening skills. Smile, lean toward the speaker a little, nod, voice acknowledgment and maintain eye contact. This will show the speaker you are listening.
* Show respect for your opponent. Even if the person is screaming or shouting at you, acknowledge the anger and frustration and remain calm.
Back to the TopThe person who becomes a centered square plays from strength. The centered square is solid, grounded, stable, dependable and takes a stand.
The uncentered square, on the other hand, is stodgy, stuck, piggish, boring, afraid to move and numbskulled.
In order to use the square correctly, keep your center and know that you have the right to stand where you are standing, to think as you think. Hold your beliefs, but stand easily. Don't try to grit your teeth and claw the ground with your toes. Your center will hold you fast. When in conflict, you may choose to do nothing. You're not being indecisive or at a loss, but rather you are a square, and you've chosen to be one. You are standing pat, staying put, considering the alternatives, reserving judgment, being resolute, listening, acknowledging, letting the other person do himself in, waiting it out, being adamant, riding at anchor, weathering the storm, staying grounded, holding your own, being dependable, being firm, being staunch.
The square is centered and calm. The square is balanced, relaxed, clear, expressive and pleasant, even on a bad day.
The centered square never commits information or feelings unnecessarily. There are four basic levels to conversation:
* Small talk. This includes basic comments about the weather, our immediate surroundings and current events. On the face of it this type of talk may seem superficial, but it does have purpose. Once you've exchanged some dialogue with someone else for a minute or two, you've had a chance to size up the other person, to decide if you have something in common and whether you'd like to carry the conversation any further. Do not get into fact disclosure. Since you don't know the other person, you are not expected to say or reveal anything personal about yourself, nor are you expecting the other person to do so. Centered squares do not commit unecessarily.
* Fact disclosure. Should the initial small talk phase go well, you may want to know the other person better. If this is the case with the other person as well, the conversation will then proceed to the second level, as you both begin to disclose facts about yourselves that are not very personal. For example you may tell the other person your occupation and hobbies. At this level you usually find out of if you have something in common. For example you may discover that the other person practices Aikido, too, or is a fellow member of Toastmasters.
* If there is still a positive connection, you can proceed to the third level and share viewpoints and opinions. In this phase, you share more personal viewpoints about politics, music or sports.
* The fourth and final level involves the expression of personal feelings. For instance, you may discuss the real meaning of life or problems you may be encountering at school.
A successful conversation begins with the first level, proceeds at a comfortable pace through the first and second levels and ends at the fourth level, not necessarily at the first meeting, however. It may take a series of conversations over a long period of time to reach level four.
The important thing is that as a well-grounded, centered person, a centered square, you never commit yourself to an inappropriate level of conversation. What's more, you are able to de-escalate conversations from inappropriate higher levels to more appropriate lower levels. If a con artist or obnoxious sales person is trying to get information and commitments out of you and is appealing to your emotions, you do not commit yourself. This is the centered square.
The centered square is able to remain relaxed and stable because he or she has practiced extensively and is confident. The energy is centered in your hara and you are extending Ki. Your breathing is deep, relaxed and centered. That is Kokyu. This sense of presence enables you to engage in conversations at gatherings with people you don't know, to establish is musubi connection with them, because you know that both you and they are interesting persons.
The centered square is a good listener. He or she can pick up facts about the other person and move the conversation into those areas. Conversation flows naturally when such tactics are used. Ask open ended questions that allow the other person to provide a detailed response. Most open ended questions begin with the words what, how or why.
It is your stability as a centered square that allows the other person to be calm and at ease. It fact, a centered square may enable an entire group to remain relaxed and at ease. A centered square listens and does not commit unnecessarily.
Back to the TopThe triangle, circle and square work interchangeably, almost simultaneously.
When we negotiate, the three energy forms play an interchangeable role.Most negotiations end in one of three ways:
* Win-Win. Both parties come out satisfied, knowing that neither has taken advantage of the other and that both
have profited personally and professionally from the transaction.
* Win-Lose. One party wins at the other's expense. The successful negotiator may feel good about the negotiation, but the other won't.
* Lose-Lose. Both parties may either remain in conflict or reach an agreement that neither feels good about.
The first outcome is the most productive. In win-win situations one or both parties are aware of the other's needs and actually work to fulfill them. Each party gives up a certain amount in order to achieve the desired result. When the negotiating is finished, both parties feel good about it.
Negotiating a win-win result requires that you know your priorities, the other person's priorities and the areas in which you may be able to compromise.
When the other party presents options, listen and be open minded. Every situation has many possibilities. There's a lot of give and take. That's why the triangle, circle and square are equally active.
Once you have studied the situation, begin your negotiation and keep the discussion in a win-win mode. Begin by offering one of your options and describe how the other party will benefit. Avoid making the other party appear to concede or lose. Emphasize that you are trying to find a mutually agreeable solution. Make the other party feel that he or she is gaining something. Continue offering options if necessary.
The other party may also have options to present. Listen to them and remain open minded. Every situation has many possibilities. Don't discount any idea because it didn't originate with you or because it appears impractical on the surface. It may contain merit. If an unacceptable option is offered, say so and offer another option in its place. If the other person continues to push an option, repeat your refusal. While negotiating:
* Break the ice. Take the time to establish some rapport before you begin negotiation. Make small talk and establish positive feelings. This is the basic blend, tai no henko kokyu ho.
* Speaking from your center, use "I" statements. Say, for instance, "I would like you to consider this..." or "I need your help."
* Use the equivalent of a good shomen strike. Be honest and direct. Don't waste your energy being devious. That would be the uncentered circle. Chances are the other party will see through you, and you will lose your credibility, as well as the other person's respect.
* Show appreciation. Recognize what the other person has done or will be doing for you. Smile and express your thanks. Remain calm and centered, maintaining your musubi connection. Show respect with a good ma ai.
* Using the principle of the centered square, stick to the issue. Don't wander off the subject or allow the other party to direct the discussion to other issues. Use Zanshin, maintaining your concentration and focus.
* Timing is everything in Aikido, and it is equally important in communication. Time your discussion. Make your meeting as convenient as possible for everyone. Meet in a neutral place or at the place of the other party's choosing. Consider a morning meeting, since most people are more energetic and open to new ideas at that time. Avoid meeting after lunch or late in the day when energy levels tend to drop.
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