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Sorry I'm working round the clock on translation of these jokes will be avaiable soon

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out. They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would. About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't take the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

Two Evil Brothers
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on like this, he finally concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

This old guy comes into a pub with a dog, and a cat which he placed on top of the piano. The dog climbed up on the piano seat and began to play the piano while the cat sang a number of popular songs. The drinkers in the pub were amazed and the publican rewarded the old man with a double scotch and said, "That's a great act. Have you thought of taking them professional?" "They are not as good as you think" confessed the old man. "The cat is tone deaf and can't sing a note. The dog is a ventriloquist"

The Bike Ride A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment. Then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"

Sucking his Thumb A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute,then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."

Answering Machine Messages
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machines:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is Why we're not here. So leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. Now you say something."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. If you'd like anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub. Their carpets are always clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need any pictures taken. They believe the stock market is a random crapshoot, and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso accountants. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This is not an answering machine: this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where you can be reached, and my owner will think about returning your call."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very, sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

Murder on the Job (Puns) -------------------------------------------------------------------- A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time. The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything, that he was framed. The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. The mason gets stoned regularly. The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The Shave -------------------------------------------------------------------- A new barber and his wife (Joe & Grace) moved into town. They ran a full service business and gave shaves also. Whenever a man wanted a shave, Joe always had his wife do it. When their first customer received a shave he was surprised to find that he was charged $20. He thought that was kind of expensive but since he hadn't asked the price beforehand, he paid for it and left. The next morning when he got up and prepared to shave he realized he didn't need to yet. "My", he thought, "that really was a close shave!" The next day it was the same way and week later he still didn't need to shave! He was impressed so he went back to the barber shop and stuck his head in the door and said, "That was quite a shave you gave me last week. I still don't need to shave!" "That's right," Joe replied, "When you're shaved by Grace, once shaved always shaved!!"

New Baby Boy -------------------------------------------------------------------- A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like heck. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and...guess what he found????? Scroll down

The birth control pill!

The Funeral -------------------------------------------------------------------- Mannie and Morris had been partners in the garment district for decades. Both prospered well, so when Mannie suddenly died, Morris felt it only right to give his old friend as fancy of a funeral as he could. As the funeral cortege moved slowly through the streets towards the Mount Zion Cemetery, a large coal truck accidentally pulled into the line of cars directly between the hearse and the limousine where Morris rode. "If I hadn't seen this with my own eyes, I'd have never believed it! " exclaimed Morris, his voice ringing in admiration. "Mannie not only knew where he was going, but he ordered his own fuel as well!"

Divorce Court -------------------------------------------------------------------- Mommy bear and Daddy bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

Fat Free? > -------------------------------------------------------------------- I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. . . . The fat is free!"

Funeral Service -------------------------------------------------------------------- A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

TV remote -------------------------------------------------------------------- The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase. As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked. "No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"

Tough Night At The Theater -------------------------------------------------------------------- A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

Redneck Hunters -------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected; said he, "The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before the had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other Redneck. "I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year."

If America Online Was A City -------------------------------------------------------------------- * You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name. * You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck. * Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99. * The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard. * 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.junkmail.com. * The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident. * The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move. * If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us". * Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE." * Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back. * Your so-called friends, ask to receive information, and then get info that 99% love, but that they don't; and they call the cops. (America Online's Terms of Service geeks) * You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation. * You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up. * The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money. * Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU! YOU WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say, "No." The voice then replies, "OK, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW."

The Blonde -------------------------------------------------------------------- This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. She replies that she was reading the directions the paint can and they said, for best results, put on two coats.

Counterfeit -------------------------------------------------------------------- A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

The Gift -------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Smith is a kindergarten teacher and today is her birthday. As she walked into her classroom one of her students, Sally, had brought a gift up to her desk. "Guess what it is!" said Sally. Knowing that Sally's father owned a bookstore she guessed, "A Book?" "How did you know?" asked Sally Next Dillon brought a gift up to Miss Smith. "Guess what it is!" said Dillon. Knowing that Dillon's parents owned a florist shop, she guessed, "Flowers?" "How did you know ?" asked Dillon Finally, Joey brought up a gift for Miss Smith. "Guess what it is!" said Joey. Knowing that Joey's father owned a liquor store, and seeing that the bag was wet, she placed her fingers on the liquid and then licked them. "Rum?" guessed Miss Smith. "No" said Joey. She tasted again..."Vodka?" she guessed. "No" said Joey. Once again she wet her fingers and tasted, "I know," said Miss Smith, "It's wine." "No!" said Joey...it's a puppy dog.

What does the ____ say? -------------------------------------------------------------------- A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter: Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

A Deep Voice -------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG! He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG ! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27! The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26. The deep voice says: OOOPS!

God's Wings -------------------------------------------------------------------- An article in National Geographic several years ago provided a penetrating picture of God's wings. After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage. One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings. The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring's to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. When the blaze had arrived and the heat had singed her small body, the mother had remained steadfast. Because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.

Ona: Hmmm, manzel by asi zuril a deti by se smaly...

A different stroller -------------------------------------------------------------------- A young woman ducked into an exclusive (no kids allowed) dress shop leaving her five-year-old son in charge of his year old sister. When she finally emerged, there was her son pushing a different stroller, her daughter nowhere in sight. "Daniel? What are you doing?" she said. "That's not your sister!" "Shhhhh, Mother." he replied. "This is a much better stroller."

The Helicopter Ride around Town! -------------------------------------------------------------------- There were 3 soldiers who just got out from the military service and they decided to celebrate by riding a helicopter around town . the other soldier though that if he drop a banana peel he'd see it fall. So the soldier dropped the peel and he did not see it drop . The soldier dropped a rock and again did not see it fall . Then he dropped a grenade and again did not see it fall . When they are walking in the street they saw a little girl crying and asked her what happened . She said that a banana peel appeared and she slipped . They told everything to the girl about the helicopter . After they told the girl everything they saw a boy crying and asked what happened . The boy said that a rock fell in his head when he is walking his dog . They told the boy about the helicopter and saw an old woman laughing . They asked the old woman what happened and the old woman said : " I was just walking to the mail box and I just farted and my house blew up ."

Seeking Help -------------------------------------------------------------------- Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

$64,000 Question ------------------------------------------------------------------- Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first." The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation...... "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

Why computers and toddlers are alike -------------------------------------------------------------------- 1) They have limited memory 2) You must tell them specifically what you want them to do 3) You must repeat instructions several times 4) There is no guarantee they will do as you want them to 5) They lose things 6) Adding items can be difficult 7) Networking is unpredictable and problematic 8) They throw temper tantrums

Co ma spolecneho 365 pouzitych prezervativu s pneumatikou ?
Good Year !

Then and Now -------------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe you watched the 60's special on TV. Here are some old and new concerns for people of the baby boom generation. Then: Long hair. Now: Longing for hair. Then: Keg Now: EKG. Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux. Then: Moving to California because it's cool. Now: Moving to California because it's hot. Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids. Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel. Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity. And the Winners are: Second Runner-up Then: Paar. Now: AARP. First Runner-up Then: The Grateful Dead. Now: Dr. Kevorkian. And the winner: Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. Now: Getting a new hip joint.

**Important Notice to All Employees** -------------------------------------------------------------------- Corporate has determined that in order for the year 2000 problem not to affect our company - and your stock warrants - that the company no longer has any need for any computers in the office. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan 1, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. For those of you who has deprived childhoods, Etch-A-Sketches are those fun square like toys where you get to draw things in a sand like environment using little knobs. Our CEO has determined that the following action is being taken for the following reasons. 1. No Y2K problems - And we get to laugh at everyone else who has problems. 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. 4. No more games with "Boss" Buttons. 5. No more need for network or software applications support. Since we no longer will be having internal technical support, we are supplying you with the following guidelines for using your new equipment. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it.

Why do you dress funny?" -------------------------------------------------------------------- A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Mlada pani se uci hrat tenis. Ad dela co dela, vsechny micky mizi za plotem. Ucitel je uz zoufaly a tak ji poradi:
" Pani, prosim Vas, zkuste tu raketu drzet stejnym zpusobem jako manzelovo prirozeni." A jako by zazrakem, pani zacne hrat uplne perfektne. Ucitel ji chvali:
"Vyborne, vyborne, ale ted tu raketu vyndejte z ust (huby, papule) a zkuste ji drzet v ruce."

-Myslíš si ,že se dá mluvit s manželkou hned po souloži ?
-No jistì od èeho jsou mobilní telefony.

Pøijde ženská do krámu a že chce mluvícího papoucha. Pán jí jednoho
ukáže, ale že prej byl pøedtím v bordelu a mluví sprostì. Paní,
že to nevadí, že to snad nìjak pøežije. Nese ho domù a po cestì
papouch øíká: "Nová madam." Doma øekne: "Nová madam, novej
barák." Když pøijdou její dcery ze školy, papouch na to: "Nová madam,
novej barák, nový kurvy." Z toho je paní dost mimo a když pøijde
domù manžel, øekne ten pták: "Nová madam, novej barák, nový kurvy a furt
ty samý ksichty, èau Jirko!!!"

V klubu: "Sire, znáte moji ženu?"
"Ještì ne, lorde, ale slyšel jsem v klubu, že má prý fantastický orgazmus."

Paní prezidentová chce dítì, pan prezident chce dítì, ale stát nechce.

Sedí jeden chlapík v baru a promluví ke druhému :

Prvý : " Práve jsem pøišel na to v èem je rozdíl mezi orálním sexem
a sushi "
Druhý: " V èem ? "
Prvý : " V rýži ... "

Tri kamaradky se dohodly, ze si rano cestou do prace povi, kolikrat
si v noci uzily sexu. Aby lidi nevedeli o cem je rec, dohodly se, ze
za kazde cislo reknou "ahoj". Rano se sesly v trolejbusu a prvni
smutne povida: "ahoj".
Druha uz trochu veseleji: "ahoj, ahoj".
A treti spokojene:
"Ahoj, ahoooj a do pusy ahoj a trikrat do prdele ahoj".

Predpoved pocasi pro Jugoslavii: Pres den F16 az F18, v noci B2

Prosim te, aby jsi mi prichystala pi-
vo, rum a dobre oblekla i nasi An-
cu, protoze zitra bude asi je-
denact pod nulou. Nahoru pojede zu-
backa. Muzes vykoupat i ce-
lou rodinu, Honzu, Pepu a jejich ke-
cky, aby byli ciste. Jesli mas kra-
lika, tak ho upec! Jestli se stavis u ma-
my, tak mi nechod na oci, nebo ti pi-
vem rozbiju hlavu a taky An-
cu roztrham na male kousky!

A pokud ti to moc nedava smysl tak si zkus precist jen liche radky...

V noci v parku soulozi dva teplousi, tma jak v prdeli: ( :o)))))) )
Ja te miluju
Ja tebe taky
Jsi uzasny
Ty taky
Budeme se tu schazet casteji?
Ano, kazdy den
Ja bydlim v Praze...
Ty jo, ja taky
Na Dejvicky
Ty blaho ja taky
Cislo 150
To neni mozne, ja taky!!
Karle?
Tati?

Cikan stopuje auta. Stopuje hodinu, dve hodiny, porad nic az za tri hodiny
mu zastavi skin. Cikan k nemu pribehne a rika:
"Svezete me do Brna?"
Skin: "Svezu, co bych nesvez, ale pod podminkou, ze budes mit celou
dobu v hube tenisak."
Cikan: "Jak tenisak? Hej to nejde, to je diskriminace! Jak to bude vypadat,
kdyz pojedu s tenisakem v hube."
Skin: "No tak mas dve moznosti, bud te hodim do Brna s tenisakem v hube
a nebo te tady necham."
Cikan: "No tak dobre, kde mate ten tenisak?"
Skin: "Vzadu na taznem zarizeni."

Kdyby restaurace fungovaly jako Microsoft

Zakaznik: Cisniku!
Cisnik: Dobry vecer, jmenuji se Bill a budu Vasim podpurnym cisnikem [org. support waiter]. Jaky mate problem?
Zakaznik: V me polevce je moucha!
Cisnik: Zkuste to znova, mozna uz tam ted nebude.
Zakaznik: Ne, je tam stale.
Cisnik: Mozna je to tim, jak polevku pouzivate; zkuste ji radeji jist vidlickou.
Zakaznik: I kdyz ji jim vidlickou, stale tam je moucha.
Cisnik: Mozna je polevka nekompatibilni s talirem; jaky typ talire pouzivate?
Zakaznik: POLEVKOVY talir!
Cisnik: Hmmm, to by melo chodit. Mozna to bude problem s konfiguraci; jak mate misku nastavenou?
Zakaznik: Sam jste mi ji prinesl na podnose. Co to ma co delat s mouchou v me polevce?
Cisnik: Muzete si vzpomenout, co vsechno jste delal, nez jste si vsimnul mouchy v polevce?
Zakaznik: Posadil jsem se a objednal jsem si polevku dne!
Cisnik: A zkusil jste uz upgradovat na nejnovejsi verzi polevky dne?
Zakaznik: Vy mate vice nez jednu polevku dne kazdy den?
Cisnik: Ano, polevka dne je obmenovana kazdou hodinu.
Zakaznik: Tak jakou polevku dne mate ted?
Cisnik: Momentalne je polevka dne rajcatova.
Zakaznik: Dobre. Prineste mi rajcatovou polevku a ucet. Uz specham.
(Cisnik odejde a vrati se s dalsim talirem polevky a uctem.)
Cisnik: Prosim, pane. Vase polevka dne a ucet.
Zakaznik: Toto je bramborova polevka.
Cisnik: Ano, rajcatova polevka nebyla jeste hotova.
Zakaznik: No, ted uz jsem tak hladovy, ze snim cokoliv.
(Cisnik odejde)
Zakaznik: Cisniku! V te polevce je masarka!

Ucet:
Polevka dne . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$ 5.00
Upgrade na novejsi polevku dne . . . .$ 2.50
Pristup k podpore [support] . . . . . . .$10.00
Chyba v polevce. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . zahrnuta gratis (bude opravena s zitrejsi polevkou dne)

Pøijde manžel domù a starostlivì se ptá manželky: "Prosim tì, mùže být tamagoèi tìhotné?"
Manželka dotaz nechápe, tak jí to pøedvede: "Tady mi to píše - jsem tìhotná."
"Ty syèáku, to je Operator!"

Devadesatilety deda si vzal mladou slecnu a po par mesicich povida svemu doktorovi, ze budou mit detatko. Doktor povida: "Vite co? Povim vam pribeh. Jeden zapomnetlivy roztrzity clovek sel takhle jednou na lov, ale misto pusky si omylem vzal destnik. Najednou se proti nemu na mytine vyritil medved. No, a chlapek namiril destnik a PRASK - medveda zastrelil!" Deda ihned vykrikl: "Ale to je blbost! Toho medveda musel zastrelit nekdo jiny!" "Jo, presne tak!"

Víte proè se ženské malujou a voní? ... Protože jsou hnusný a smrdí.

Koná se pohøeb. Vdova a pozùstalí na spuštìnou rakev se slzami hází kvìtiny. Jen tchýnì do hrobu hodí nìco, co s ránou narazí na víko. Ostatní se na ní divnì podívají a ptají se, co to tam hodila. „No kytky už nemìli..." „... tak jsem koupila bonboniéru!"

Prijde starej dedousek do bordelu a povida stareckym roztresenym hlasem: "Ja bych chtel nejakou zenskou, peknou zenskou, pekne prosim." A bordelmama na to: "Ale dedo, vzdyt to uz mate davno za sebou." "A kolik jsem dluznej?"

Pepa utrpi na stavbe tezkou nehodu, pri ktere prijde o obe usi. Kdyz se ma vratit z nemocnice, mistr vsechny svola a upozornuje zejmena Honzu, byvaleho to policajta, ale i ostatni, aby byli na Pepu hodni, ze to tezce nese, aby mu to nepripominali. Pepa je prvni den zas v praci, delaji s Honzou a ten nevi, na co by zavedl rec, aby kolegovi zvednul naladu. Tak povida: "Koukam, ze se ti zlepsil zrak, co?" "Jo? Proc myslis?" "No, ze uz nenosis brejle."

Potkají se tøi mladé sleèinky ve výtahu (7, 10 a 15 let). Patnáctiletá se rozhlíží a povídá: „Jé, tady na stìnì je jogurt ..." Na to jí desetiletá odpovídá: „To není jogurt, ale mužské sperma...". Sedmiletá se taky pøidá do rozhovoru, natáhne prst, nabere, ochutná a povídá: „Ale nikoho z baráku!!!!!!!"

Víte jaký je rozdíl mezi èerným a brutálním humorem? Dosti radikální. Èerný humor je deset cikánù v jedné popelnici, zatímco brutální humor je jeden cigán v deseti popelnicích.

Pepicek prijde na zachod zrovna kdyz tam sedi maminka a vidi ze nema mezi nohama bimbaska a tak rika: "Maminko co to mas mezi nohama?" "To je pepicku takova kocicka." "A co dela ta kocicka?" "No, spinka...." Pepicek natahne vzduch nosem, zacicha a pouda: "No, spis chcipla..."

Víte, jak se rozhánìjí v Somálsku demonstrace? Ventilátorem.

Q:Jak se Tarzan kryje v džungli?
A:Namaluje si koule naèerveno a pak si vyleze na tøešeò
Q:Jaký je nejhlasitìjší zvuk v džungli?
A:Sloni žerou tøešnì.

V kanceláøi po pracovní dobì, ona leží na psacím stole, on stojí pøed ní. Tak k ní pøistoupil, nasadil a nevšimnuje si, že jeho varlata volnì visí do pootevøeného šuplíku, prudce pøirazil. Èest jeho øvoucí památce.

Øve jeden ožralý chlap v hospodì: „Já chci ještì kafééééé!". Èíšník: „Opilejm nenaléváme!".

Mama hovoøí ráno svému synovi: „Vezmi si èisté spodní prádlo - co kdyby tì srazilo auto?

Jarní podveèer na Petøínì, na lavièce se objímá mladá dvojice študákù... Dìvèe se ptá chlapce: „Myslíš na to na co já?". „To víš že ano, miláèku." „A kolik ti to vyšlo?"

Co budou delat Spice Girls az budou stary? Reklamu na Old Spice.

Mala holcicka jde parkem a vyskoci na ni uchylak "Tak a ted ti ho soupnu tam, kde si ho jeste nemela!" "Ne, ne, do ocicka ne ...."

Kohn jde smutnej mestem a potka Silbersteina s ten se ho pta: "Copak se jim stalo, ze sou tak smutnej?" "Ale, syn se mi zeni." odveti Kohn. "Z toho nejsou smutnej, to se stalo i jinejm. A jak se jmenuje nevesta?" "Stefan." "No, to neni obvykle zidovske jmeno."

Víte jaký je rozdíl mezi Karlem IV. a Marií Terezií? Karel IV. mìl velkou moc a Marie Terezie moc velkou.

Víte, jaké byly tøi nejvìtší katastrofy v dìjinách lidstva? Hirošima 45, Èernobyl 86 v Windows 95.

Víte kolik policajtù se utopí, když jsou v èlunu tøi? No pøece 6. Tøi hned a tøi pøi rekonstrukci...

Jede paní s koèárkem po parku a z koèárku vytéká krev. V tom se z nìj ozve: „Mami, podívej, sluníèko svíti." Matka se rozhlédne a prudce strèí dva ukazováèky do koèárku se slovy: „Ty svine! Tak ty ještì vidíš?"

Panu Hrachovi se narodí syn Tonda. Pan Hrach se na nìj jde podívat do porodnice. V pøizemí je nápis „Geniální dìti". Pan Hrach se zaraduje a ptá se sestøièky, kde leží jeho syn. „ To musíte do ètvrtého patra." Pan Hrach si øíká, že s géniem by beztak jen problémy a jde výš. V prvním patøe je nápis „Normální dìti". Jde zase výš a ve druhém patøe je napsáno „Debilní dìti". Pan Hrach si jen povzdychne a stoupá zase výš. V posledním patøe je malá místnùstka a na dveøích je napsáno TONDA HRACH. Pan Hrach s napìtím vejde dovnitø, a jediné, co vidí, je veliké ucho na posteli. Ptá se sestøièky: „Mùžu mu aspoò nìco øíct?" „Ne. On je úplnì hluchej."

Jednoho dne se narodí manželùm jenom hlava a jak tak èas bìží, nastanou už nìkolikáté vánoce a hlava se pøikutálí ke stromeèku, rozbalí dáreèek a se smutkem v hlase povídá: „Ach jo, zase èepice!"

Žán øíká sirovi: "Sire, budu se ženit." "Výbornì Žán a koho si budete brát?" "Zahradníka, sire." "Ale Žán, toho komunistu?"

Vis, co znamenna jmeno Clinton?
Call
Lewinsky
I
Need
The
Oral
Now

Seznámí se na dovolené dva manželské páry a proto že si spolu dobøe rozumí, zajdou do baru. Po dobré veèeri a nìkolika sklenièkách nìkdo navrhne, že by si mohli na noc vymìnit partnery.A tak se i stane. Po dvou hodinach intenzivního sexu se ten chlápek otoèí na bok, slastnì vydechne a povidá : ,,To byla parada, takhle uz jsem si dlouho neužil. Doufám, že holky se mají taky tak dobøe.,,

Je království, v nìm jeden král, který má pohlednou dceru na vdávání. Hrnou se princové, nápadníci a princezna, aby si vybrala, se jde s každým projít zámeckým parkem. Ale je tu problém, ona se vždy vrátí sama, o princích ani vidu ani slechu. To nápadníky odradí a už se nehrnou, král je zoufaly a tak vyhlásí: „Dám princeznu za ženu a pùl království tomu, kdo se z parku vrátí." Pøihlásí se Honza, že to zkusí. Tak tedy jo: Procházejí se s princeznou v parku, když pøijdou k jezírku s krokodýlama. Princezna si sundá z prstu prsten a hodí ho tam (do jezírka). A na Honzu: „Vyndej ho!" Honza ho vyndá, princezna potìšenì: „No vidíš, a ti blbci tam skákali..."

Troseèník je už asi 30let na pustým ostrovì a jednou ráno mu moøe vyplaví ženskou. Když ji probere a vysvìtlí situaci, ona povídá „...to si asi rád, že už máš to, co ti tak dlouho chybìlo co???" Troseèník se rozzáøí: „COOOOOŽŽŽÉÉÉÉÉ ty máš sebou pivo....???"

To takhle byla jedna adeptka na zkoušce z anatomie, ale protože byla trošièku dutá, tak jí hrozila ètyøka, jenže onen zkoušející mìl pochopení pro studenty a tak jí dal zachraòující otázku: „Z jakého svalstva jsou stydké pysky?" Ona dívèina se zamyslela a nesmìle pípla: „Z pøíènì pruhovaného?" A zkoušejícímu nezbylo než jí øíci: „Tak si s nimi zatleskejte a pøijïte pøíštì!"

Je krasny letni vecer, on a ona se miluji na travniku u cesty v parku. Najednou on vydechne: "Uf, uf - uf, uf!" Ona na to prekvapene: "Milacku, ty uz ses udelal?" "Ne, nekdo na kole mi prejel nohy."

"Pane ridici, vy jste pil!" "To neni pravda, pane policajt. Buh je mi svedkem!" "To se uvidi.Vystupte si oba'

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am? She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

Potkají se dva èernoši, oba s dítìtem. Jeden má dítì nìjaké šedé a tak se ptá toho druhého: "Hele, jaktože ty máš dítì tak krásnì èerné a já jej mám šedé?" Druhý èernoch se zamyslí a ptá se: "Máš jej tøicet centimetrù dlouhého?" "No nemám" "A máš jej deset centimetrù v prùmìru?" "Hmm. Nemám," na to ten druhý. "No vidíš, to ti tam vniklo trochu svìtla."

„Lady, v knihovnì je zlodìj!" zdìšenì hlásí služka. „A co ète?"

Rozdíl mezi budíkem a opilcem je v tom, že když se natáhne budík, tak jde, ale když opilec, tak zùstane ležet.

„Nechcete si sednout, dìdeèku?" „Ne, dìkuji chlapèe, já jedu jen jednu stanici." „Jen si sednìte, dìdeèku, nejste totiž v autobuse, ale v parku."

Jede blondyna autem a zastavi ji policajt. "Ridicsky prukaz, slecno." Blondyna hleda v kabelce, ale nechape co po ni policajt vlastne chce. "To je takovy to, kde mate foktu," dodava policajt a blondyna z kabelky s ulevou vytahuje zrcatko. Podava ho policajtovi a ten zasalutuje. "Prominte, ja nevedel, ze jste taky prislusnik."

Prijde blondynka k doktorovi a rika, ze ma nejakou zahadnou nemoc, protoze ji straslive boli uplne vsechno. Zlehka se prstem dotkne se ucha a vykrikne bolesti, dotkne se nosu a vykrikne bolesti, dotkne se bricha a zase vykrikne bolesti. "To je jasne, mate zlomeny prst."

Víte proc chodi chlapi v zime v oteplovakach a na hlave nenosi nic? Potrebuji mit mozek v teple.

Potkají se tøi sekretáøky. Ta jedna povídá : „Já jsem našla v šéfovì zásuvce kondom." Ta druhá na to: „A já mu ho propíchla." A ta tøetí omdlela.

Víte, kdy je muž naivní? Když je na i v ní!

„Tvoje žena se hodnì ráda smìje, že?" povídá jeden muž druhému. „Jak to víš?" „Když jsem jí poslednì vyprávìl vtip, smála se tak, že málem vypadla z postele!"

Jak rozzáøíme ženì oèi? Zasvítíme jí baterkou do ucha....

Jdou dva policajti po Václaváku a když tak pøijdou ke koni, tak si všimnou hovna na podstavci. „Panebože, to tak pøece nemùžeme nechat, s tím se musí nìco udìlat.." A tak ten jeden sundá brigadýrku a milé lejno pøikryje. O pár minut pozdìji se kolem potácí dva pøiupravení houmlesáci.. „Hele vole, policajtská èepice.." Ten druhej ji zvedne... „I s mozkem!"

Chlapík na veøejných záchodkách, kouká na souseda a ptá se: „Proè máš na ptáku vytetováno WY?" „Víš, moje holka se jmenuje WENDY, no a když mi stoupne, tak je tam vytetováno její jméno." Po èase stejnì zvìdavej chlapík na veøejnejch záchodkách vedle èernocha. Kouká a ten èernoch tam má taky WY. Zeptá se: - „Hele, tvoje holka se jmenuje WENDY, viï?" - „Proè myslíš?", na to èernoch. - „Protože tam máš vytetováno WY, a když ti stoupne tak tam budeš mít WENDY, ne?" - „Ne", nato èernoch „mnì když stoupne tak tam mám WELCOME TO THE YAMAICA AND HAPPY HOLIDAY"

Pepícek luští krížovku. Najednou se zarazí a ptá se otce: "Tati, nevíš ženský pohlavní orgán na ctyri?" Tatík se zarazí a odpoví: "Svisle nebo vodorovne?" Synácek odpoví: "Vodorovne." "Hmmmm, tak to je pusa."

Potkají se dva kamarádi a ten jeden ríká: "Clovece, já už nemužu. Ta moje stará to chce ráno, v poledne, vecer, v noci me trikrát vzbudí, já už jsem se silama na dne." Ten druhej na to :" Vidíš ty vole, já ti to ríkal: Neber si ošklivou, budeš na to sám."

Víte jak se jmenuje nejdelší chlup na damském prirození? Odkapávaè.

Chlap v cerne kukle a se samopalem v ruce vbehne do spermabanky. Vystreli davku do stropu a zarve: 'Vsichni k zemi!'. Vyplasena urednice jenom vykokta:'Ale to jste se spletl, banka je vedle, tady je spermabanka.' Chlap hromovym hlasem: 'Ja vim! Otevri trezor!' Urednice cela rozklepana otevre trezor. 'Ted vem tamhletu, tamhletu, tamhletu a tamhletu zkumavku a slej je dohromady'. Urednice je sleje dohromady. 'A ted to vypij!' Urednice to vypije. Chlap se zacne hrozne smat, strhne si masku a povida: 'Vidis to Marie, a doma tvrdis, ze to nejde!!!'

Rozhovor opilce s pøíslušníkem VB: „Orgáne,jak dlouho tady stojíš?"
„Ètyøi hodiny."
„Orgáne, jak dlouho tady ještì budeš stát?"
„Ještì ètyøi hodiny."
„Doprèic, takového orgána bych chtìl mít!!!"

Jde opilý chlap po mìstì a potká jeptišku. Tak ji chytne, zmlátí jako konì a øekne: „Tak tentokrát ti to nevyšlo, Batmane."

Víte, jak zemøel Hitler? Trefil ho šlak, když mu pøišel úèet za plyn.

Jak bude vedle tebe padat granát, neutíkej, vždy støepy pøinášejí štìstí.

„Pane, vy jste debil." „Nó, já jsem byl v obchodì."

Otec se pokousi zavesit na zed obraz. Obraz spadne, sklo se rozbije, vse je v troskach. Ozve se syn: "Mami, prosim te, vysvetli mi, proc rikaji tatinkovi prakticky lekar?"

Uprostred ledna vola McIrish: "Deti, vsichni svleknout do pul tela a mazat ven! Tady zbylo pul lahvicky leku proti kasli, a tak at se nezkazi."

V Americe ma kazat papez a tak se Jack Nicholson (JN) a Michael Jackson (MJ) vypravi do kostela a ze si nechaj pozehnat. Prijdou do kostela, ten narvanej, kazani v plnem proudu a tak se MJ rozhodne, ze na sebe upouta pozornost. Jde pred oltar a tam zacne tancovat (vsak to znate. Ty jeho obvykle pohyby ala trefena koza). JN se mezitim pohodlne rozvali v lavici, nasadi si slunecni bryle, zapali si doutnik a chroupe popcorn. Nahle MJ vidi, ze see papez zvedl, pristoupil k JN a pokrizoval ho. Ten se zvedl, pokynul MJ a odchazi. Venku ho zastavi a pta se ho: "Jak je to mozny? Ja se tam snazim a on pozehna akorat tobe..." "On mi nepozehnal. Prisel ke me a rekl Tipni ten doutnik (ukazal na doutnik), popadni tu kukurici (pohyb ruky dolu), seber toho negra (ukazal na MJ) a vypadni (pohyb ruky smerem ke dverim)

"Nas vyzkumny ustav se v soucasnosti zabyva zkoumanim policejniho mozku. Nyni predpokladame, ze se nas vyzkum konecne pohne smerem kupredu. Dlouho jsme se totiz domnivali, ze kazdy policista ma pouze jedinou mozkovou bunku. Nedavno tuto hypotezu vyvratil kolega Pospisil. Dokazal totiz, ze se jedna pouze o otlaceni od cepice."

Vola policista na infoline aerolinek: "Jak dlouho vam trva cesta do Londyna?" "Okamzik..." odpovida operator Nacez policista podekuje a zavesi.

Manželský pár je v posteli a když jsou v nejlepším, povídá ona: „Hafni!" On: „HAF!" A ona zase: „Hafni!" On: „HAF!" Po tøetí si ho už vyndá z pusy a vykøikne: „Sakra zhasni, dìti se dívaj!"

Jaký je rozdíl mezi prací a ženskou? Práce se neudìlá sama.

Sedí dva chlapeèci na pískovišti a s mladickým elánem plácají bábovièky.
A jen tak mezi øeèí jeden praví:
„Ty, kolik ty je? Èi nebo èiži?"
„Èiži. A tobì?"
„Hmm, èi nebo èiži."
„Ty to nevíš? Tak èi nebo èiži?"
„Nevím ... Èi nebo èiži."
„Hmm . . . A koužíš?"
„Koužím!"
„Splostì nadáváš?"
„Kujva že jo!"
„Chlaštáš?"
„Jo!"
„Hm, a souložíš?"
„Co to je?"
„Tak èi!!!"

"A muzete mi popsat, jak utocnik vypadal?" pta se policista obeti. "Ale samozrejme, zrovna jsem mu to totiz rikal, kdyz me zacal mlatit!"

Vleti policajt do tramvaje: "Sledujte ten taxik!"

"Vite, jaky je rozdil mezi policajtem a kurvou?" ??? "Zadny. Oba slapo chodnik a za oba se rodina stydi."

Rika znechuceny ridic prislusnikovi: "Meli byste se lip organizovat. Jeden mi vcera sebere papiry a druhej je po mne dneska chce..."

Leti policajt a prase do vesmiru. Prase otevre obalku s instrukcemi: "zmen kurs na 5 3 7, zapni pomocne rakety a odhod prazdne nadrze." Prase vse provede na jednicku. Ted je rada na policistovi. Ten otevre svou obalku a cte: "Nakrm prase a na nic nesahej!"

Sedi policiste v restauraci. Prijde cisnik a pta se, co si objednaji. "Dve kavy, prosim," povida jeden. "Tak me dejte taky dve!"

Bavi se dva prislusnici na letisti. "Ja nechapu jak muzou ty teroristi tak velky letadlo vubec unest." "Ty si ale vul! Vzdyt voni ho neunasej na zemi, ale ve vzduchu, kdyz je taaakhle malinky!"

Hroch se jen tak vali ve vode a najednou se ozve rana a z jungle vybehne slon a strasne se chechta. Hroch se pta: "Slone, co blbnes?" A slon na to: "Ale nic..." a odbehne do pralesa. Chvili se nic nedeje a po nekolika minutach se ozve zase rana a opet vybehne chechtajici se slon. Hroch se opet pta: "Slone, co blaznis?" A slon zase odpovi: "Ale nic..." a opet odbehne do jungle. A zase se chvili nic nedeje. A zase se ozve rana a opet vybehne tlemici se slon. "Slone, co blbnes?" pta se zvedave hroch. A slon na to odpovida:"Ale, vis hrochu, ja tam sukam opice, a kdyz se do ni udelam, tak ona se nafoukne a praskne."

Žena pøijde na policejní stanici: „Prosím vás pomozte mi, mùj manžel se ztratil". Policista založí papír do stroje a povídá: „Mùžete nám ho popsat?" „No mìøí asi 150 cm", zaène žena, „váží 95 kg, má pleš, velké bøicho, falešné zuby... Víte co? Zapomeòte na to."

Na hrbitov prijde pani se dvema detmi. Pristoupi k jedne hrobce, odsune viko a deti ulozi dovnitr. "Proboha pani, co to delate?", zdesi se prihlizejici pan. "No co, dnes je ctvrtek, a to hlidaj' nasi".

Chlapeèek se ptá muže v uniformì: „Strejdo, vy jste policajt?" „Ne, chlapeèku, já jsem železnièáø, to jsem se jen tak blbì zakoukal..."

Tøi Japonci se rozhodli pøestìhovat se do Ameriky. Jeden se jmenoval Bu, druhý Chu a ten tøetí Fu. Po èase získali americké obèanství a aby se opravdu zamerikazovali, rozhodli se, že se pøejmenují. Pan Bu byl pan Buck. Pan Chu byl pan Chuck. Pan Fu se vrátil do Japonska.

Jak dlouho se vydrží muž dívat jedním okem na svoji tchýni? Dokud nestiskne spouš.

Paní uèitelka s dìtmi ve škole probírá pohlavní orgány muže a ptá se jich, jak by to ještì mohlo být pojmenováno. Dìti: "Úd, penis, pyj..." Pak se ozve Pepíèek a øekne: "Lemrouch!" Paní uèitelka se ho ptá, kde na to slovo pøišel. Pepíèek povídá: "To jsem si nevymyslel, paní uèitelko, to píšou v knihách. Èetl jsem Staré povìsti èeské a tam v povìsti o Oldøichovi a Boženì stojí: „Oldøich se vrací z projížïky, sesedá z konì a tu k nìmu pøijde Božena, políbí mu lem roucha…."

Lord Charles hraje se svými pøáteli golf na høišti vedle høbitova. Zvedne hùl k úderu, když zazní smuteèní pochod, a ke høbitovu kráèí pohøební prùvod. Lord setrvá v úhozové pozici, a teprve až prùvod zajde za bránu høbitova, odpálí míèek. Jeden ze spoluhráèù praví: „Jaká to úcta k neznámému mrtvému." Lord Charles na to: „Proè neznámému? Byla mi ètyøicet let dobrou ženou."

Víte jak se pozná veselý cyklista? Má na zubech mušky.

Dva turisti chodí po horách a najednou uvidí takou jámu, že nedohlédnou na dno. Poblíž leží kolejnice, tak ji spoleènì chytnou a hodí do jámy, aby zjistili, jak je hluboká. Èekají, èekají, poøád nic a najednou kolem nich probìhne koza a skoèí do té strašlivé jámy. Kroutí nad tím hlavama, když pøijde baèa a ptá se: „Nevidìli jste tu kozu?" „No nìjaká tu pøed chvílí bìžela a skoèila do té jámy." „Tak to nebyla moje, já ji mìl pøivázanou ke kolejnici..."

Pán pøijde do restaurace a objedná si hrachovou polévku a knedlíky se špenátem. Èíšník mu pøinese polévku a pán si vylije na hlavu. Èíšník se osmìlí a zeptá se: „Promiòte pane, mohl byste mi prozradit, proè jste si vylil tu hrachovou polévku na hlavu?" Pán se zhrozí: „To byla hrachová polévka? Já myslel, že to byl špenát!"

Povídá jeden policajt druhému: „Ten rogalo, to je ale strašnej pták. Musel jsem do nìj vystøílet celej zásobník, než toho chlapa pustil..."

„Kukaèko, kukaèko, zakukej mi, kolik mi ještì zbývá let." „Ku..." „Proè tak má..."

„Slyšel jsem, že vèera pochovali Brožka. Co mu bylo?" „Byl mrtvý."

Víte proè mají ženy o jeden mozkový závit víc než konì? ??? Aby nechlemtaly vodu z kýblu, když vytíraj podlahu.

Pøijde kovboj do salónu a vidí, jak u jednoho stolu sedí pìkná ženská. Pøemejšlí, jak by se s ní seznámil. Potom vytáhne bouchaèku a všechny ostatní postøílí. Pak si pøisedne k tý ženský a povídá: „A co vy tady sleèno, tak sama ..."


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