Eleven Ways To Feel Like a Good Parent Again

If you are reading this, you probably have a teenager and may be feeling pretty much helpless and like a failure as a parent. If nothing else happens while you are reading, I hope it will be that you can begin to feel better about yourself as a person and as a parent. Teenagers can be pretty good about making us parents feel like we're horrible, and many good, sensitive parents can begin to feel guilty in a hurry. So if you feel helpless, a failure, and guilty, take that as a sign that you are sensitive and caring, and listen on. Beside coming away feeling better about yourself, though, I will give you 11 time-tested, effective ways of dealing with your teenager, and a general way of thinking about what is going on so that you can apply these principles to most things that will happen in the future. Notice, too, that I said FUTURE, because neither you nor anyone else can change the past, so let go of it, and lets get ready for the days, weeks, and months ahead.

Being the parent of a teenager is, at best, a tough job, and most parents want to do it well. We want our children to do those things that will result in them being responsible, productive, and reasonably happy adults who can make good decisions. Let me repeat that, because it is vitally important that you have a reasonable goal for anything you intend to do that effects your teenager. Our goal as a parent should be that OUR CHILDREN WILL BECOME RESPONSIBLE, PRODUCTIVE, AND REASONABLY HAPPY ADULTS WHO CAN MAKE GOOD DECISIONS.

Somewhere along the line, though, many of us get stuck in a pattern of doing things that make it less likely, not more likely, that our children will turn out the way we hope. Notice the words "more likely" and "less likely". We have to understand that we DO NOT CONTROL HOW OUR CHILDREN WILL TURN OUT. Our children are independent human beings who make their own decisions, no matter what we do. Our power and control is really limited to making something more likely or less likely. It is VITAL that you recognize this fact when dealing with your teenager.

When your teenager was much younger, you could pretty much control what they did -- they were much smaller and knew little of the world other than what you told them. As teenagers, though, they are physically larger, have seen (and think they understand) more of the world, and they have minds of their own. Some children are relatively compliant and let their parents guide and control them. Perhaps you have even had one teenager like this. Parents who have had a compliant teenager think all parents should be able to control their teenager. But remember, a compliant teenager simply lets the parent control them -- it is that teenager's style. But many teenagers do not choose to let their parents control them, and that is what can make us feel so helpless and like a failure, especially if we have had another teenager who was compliant.

You may be thinking, "Is he saying that I should just give up and let my teenager do whatever he or she pleases, no matter what?" The answer is, no, of course not, but what I am saying is that you have to choose your battles carefully, and always measure your actions against three yardsticks: (1) is what I want to do going to make my goals for this teenager more likely or less likely, and (2) can I actually physically accomplish what I am thinking of doing, and (3) am I willing to put forth whatever effort I need to make it happen consistently.

It is vitally important that you, as a parent of a teenager, pick your battles carefully, and then LET GO OF THE SMALL STUFF. Let your teenager have control of most of their own decisions AS LONG AS THEIR CONTROL DOES NOT EXTEND TO YOU AND YOUR LIFE.

This is so important, I'll say it again. Let your teenager make as many decisions as possible, but not any decisions where YOU are DIRECTLY effected. Your REAL POWER as a parent is that YOU CAN CONTROL WHAT YOU DO AND WHAT YOU DON'T DO. As long as you focus on trying to control your teenager, you'll probably feel pretty helpless, but when you finally realize that you only have to control your own behavior, you have found something very valuable. How do you help your teenager become a happy and responsible adult who makes good decisions? -- by being a model of one.

As long as you are talking about your own behavior, you are in full control (or should be -- if you have become out of control as a result of your anger or some other problem, you need to get yourself some help with that). If your child will comply with your guidance or rule, that is great. If your child won't comply, then there is no need to feel helpless, because you still have all of your own choices for your own actions.

Children need structure, rules, and limits. It is the job of parents to set these limits, and it is the job of the children to test them. But in addition to structure, children need positive experiences with their parents -- times set aside just for fun with human beings who are special to each other. And children need the age-appropriate freedom to exercise choice, and to receive the benefits or consequences of their choices. The challenge for parents is to find the balance between these needs of structure, positive interaction, and choice opportunities.

Here are eleven guidelines for managing life with your teenager and feeling good again:

(1) If there are two parents in the family, the most important thing is for mom and dad to agree on their expectations for the teenager's behavior, and on the consequences if the expectations aren't met. The agreement is more important than either the specific expectations or the specific consequences.

(2) Pick only the most important things on which to focus with your teenager, and let go of the rest. The older the child, the fewer "most important" things there should be. A good rule of thumb is to subtract your child's age from 21, and use that number as a maximum number of "most important" things.

(3) Write down these most important things expectations, and the consequences for infractions, so they can't change in the memory of you or your teenager.

(4) Talk about specific behaviors, and not about attitudes or vague wishes. Example, "Be home at 11pm" is good, while "Be home early" is not good.

(5) Once you say you are going to do something, do it. Follow through. When you don't follow through on what you say, you train your child to not believe what you say.

(6) Realize that there many things your teenager can do, over which you have absolutely no control. Only by recognizing your real powerlessness over some things, can you become most effective as a parent. You could spend all your time and energy trying to do something that can't be done, and end up frustrated and angry at the child or yourself. And if you do that, you keep yourself from accomplishing what IS possible. Your power as a parent comes with your recognition that you can only really control what YOU yourself do. Your behavior can influence, but not control, your teenager's behavior.

(7) Realize that it takes a very mature teenager to do what a parent orders him to do, even if the teenager wanted to do it himself anyway. Most teenagers are not that mature yet.

(8) When you give a consequence for a period of time, remember that a child's sense of time is very different from that of an adult. A week is a very long time in the mind of a teenager. Keep most consequences to DAYS, and use a week only for the very most important things.

(9) Use the "RESTART" method of consequences for repeated offenses. That means that if there is a one day loss of a privilege for a particular behavior, and that behavior is repeated before the one day consequence is completed, just restart the one day consequence from the time of the new infraction -- don't add a day onto the previous time. If you use the RESTART method, the most time you ever have is the actual consequence time, even though time served could be several days.

(10) Don't react to everything like it was the end of the world. If everything is important, nothing is important. Use small consequences for small infractions, and save the big consequences for the big stuff.

(11) Don't think that a display of your anger will encourage the behavior you want. Some parents virtually try to control their kids through anger. Not only does it not work, it often makes things worse. You, the parent, are THE adult, and it is assumed that you can control your emotions (if you really can't, then that is a problem that you need to work on in good faith). Most children's objectionable behaviors are the result of feelings that they are acting out. If you expect your children to handle their feelings better, you, the parent, must demonstrate that you can handle your own feelings.

Teenagers grow out of the family and into the world, and they prepare for that world through their own struggles, not by OUR struggles, however well intentioned. This means that as children get older, parents must eliminate some of the controls, relying more on the power of a good relationship. We need to avoid the tendency to be overprotective, yet it pains us when we see our children in pain. But it is often this pain, hopefully in reasonable doses, which is the grindstone which sharpens the tools of responsibility and decision-making. It is a gift of love and confidence when we allow our children the opportunity to sharpen these tools, and learn from their own pain.

And, you need to know and expect that few teenagers are able to thank you, now, for what you do for them. In fact, many teenagers will let you know in many ways that you are the worst parent in the universe. Realize that this is part of their struggle to define themselves and separate themselves from you. Sometimes, the closer you have been in the past, the greater is the explosive struggle to separate themselves from you during the teen years. Your control is limited by the free choices made by your teenager, who is, after all, still in the process of learning, even when they think they know it all.

Be kind to yourself.

Joe Just, Ph.D. Coastal Counseling Center; 757-436-0605