What to say...when a friend miscarries ARR 10/96

Perhaps some of you don't believe a miscarriage is a big deal really. I have had this response from friends and family. The idea being that losing one of my born children would be more traumatic. This makes sense in a logical way, I suppose. Certainly I love my children deeply and know them in a way that I never knew my unborn child, but I still grieve for that baby. There are degrees of grief and loss, I won't argue that. My point is that I lost a baby not a microscopic organism, I lost a "baby" because of the love I felt and the hopes I held. My love was not based on size or ability.
This is not a debate on whether life starts at conception or at birth, all I wanted was for you to try to understand my way of seeing this. It is hard for people who have never dealt with a miscarriage to understand the fears and doubts, even the feeling of guilt. Perhaps it happened because of something I did or something I should have done. You worry if it will happen again, you wonder about what would have been.

The point I am trying to convey here is that parents that lose a child from miscarriage do not just bounce back as if nothing happened. It may seem so because I know I never shared how I felt about what happened. I think its even harder on the moms because there is a physical attachment from the beginning and we feel the pain of the loss in both ways- emotionally and physically. This is not said to undermine a father's loss but I know my husband took the "well maybe its for the best because..." route. I can't explain my husbands point of veiw because I'm still unclear really. We never talk about it. It was hard on both of us yet we never really talked about it. So for me it was almost a closet grief. I did not feel like I had anyone who understood. I know now that I am not weird and that my husband's reaction is common too because I have found a group of parents on the net that have encountered the same tragedy. Talking and sharing experiences with them has proved to me that this type of thing is very common and that we all saw the same lack of support where everyone acts as if a miscarriage is no big deal. Parents hear some pretty bizarre things after telling friends and family about a miscarriage. I would like to point out a few things that parents really don't need to hear at that time in their life. I hope you retain the information so that next time you hear of a miscarriage happening you do not make the parents feel worse. Maybe you can show the support and compassion that seems to be missing with this type of loss.

First of all don't go into the story you have about some relative that lost five babies. The idea of trying again and the fear of losing another baby looms at the front of a mother's mind. She doesn't need this negative reinforcement, the doctor has already warned her of these possibilities. Next don't tell her she is young and to keep trying or that she is lucky to lose "it" early instead of later in the pregnancy after she had got attached. Sluffing off the loss of a baby just because mom is young enough to try again is horrible! Would you say that if she lost a two year old? Of course not! As for the gestation that she lost the baby well let me just ask you is there ever a good time to lose a baby? Again- of course not! One other thing I heard was "well at least you have a beautiful daughter" Okay well yes I do. Good point. Let's see now... you cut off your arm and I'll say "well at least you still have your left arm." Sounds pretty stupid put like that doesn't it? Now remember that if a mom is grieving over a miscarriage she obviously was attached to the BABY so please try not to call the child an "it" the word just sends shivers down thier back:-( Now I have to admit I am guilty of saying a few of these things too, but after going through the experience it certainly made me realize how foolish and callous some of those good intentioned remarks were. I doubt that anyone meant any to be insensitive (I certainly did not) when they said such things to me or other moms, but sometimes being naive and saying stupid things can be painful to others.

I guess the main thing is to be supportive and try to be understanding. Letting someone cry on your shoulder is a much better way to show love than trying to pat them on the head with a "it will be okay, you will see". Letting them grieve and work through the loss is what is required not some fortune cookie fix up phrase. Try a simple "Oh thats terrible? Is there anything I can do? Let me make you a coffee and we can talk if you like." Then sit back and let them talk or better yet a big hug might be called for in this case. I know I could have used one.

One other thing to remember is that after the miscarriage there are sometimes complications. Medical procedures may be required or tests to determine the cause of the miscarriage. The moms are worried and scared and need support for this part of the ordeal. The physical part of losing the baby is not always over quickly or easily. They may need help around the house or a hand to squeeze at the doctors office. Husbands are not always able to understand a woman's position here or are unable to deal with the circumstances themselves. A caring female friend or family member may need to step up to help. Please keep this in mind when comforting a friend. She may really need you.

I hope you find this helpful and can understand my point of view. I guess it is just that it is not up to others to determine when we are allowed to be sad, how long we should grieve or when we should move on, our heart determines that. So even if you don't think it is a big deal just try to be compassionate because someone you care about just lost a baby.

If you suffered a loss through miscarriage and feel I missed a point or you would like me to add something please feel free to contact me.

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