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Submitted by Lowell Paul McLaughlin Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her.
So....the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most viscious thug in town to "pursuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so....thereby proving that........
(Brace yourself........are you ready for this?)
HUGH, AND ONLY HUGH CAN PREVENT FLORIST FRIARS!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Martin Murphy There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
George Carlin's Warped Thoughts What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored catfood?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Submitted by LaRena Schwartz A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the content of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came back to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Submitted by Lowell Paul McLaughlin A very religious man wanted to prove his faith in God. So, he tied himself to a pylon in the ocean, with the water up to his chest.
As the tide started to come in, a boat came by. The man in the boat said, "Hey, what are you doing? Get in my boat and I will save you." At which time the man said that he had total faith in God and that he would not let him drown. As the water neared his head, another boat came by. The man stopped and said the same thing. To which the near drowning man stated, "I have total faith in my God, He will not let me drown."
So, the boat went away. A third boat came by. This boater was frantic...being that the water was lapping at the man's nose. But the response was the same. As the last boat left, the water rose above his head and he drowned.
Walking around Heaven...the man was clearly confused....when he then saw God. "Lord, I had total faith in You...why would You let me down like that...You made no effort to stop the tide!"
At which time God stated, "Heaven's Sake!....what more did you want from me...I sent you three boats!!!!"
Doesn't that make you smile?!