43 WAYS TO SIMULATE BEING IN THE NAVY
Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home
Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from a year ago to keep you abreast of current events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
10. Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor.
12. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
13. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watch standers and nightcrew bump around and wake you up.
14. Place your bed on a rocking table to simulate being on a ship at sea.
15. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
16. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can find, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
17. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
18. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a "black water system" boo-boo.
19. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
20. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, light blue or pea green.
21. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
22. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
23. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
24. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 38 deg F and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
26. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
27. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up JP-5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
28. Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats a meal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared several hours earlier.
29. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.
30. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
31. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
32. Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
33. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
34. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie, then show a different one.
35. (Optional for ex-engineering types) Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
36. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
37. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
38. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
39. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup).
40. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
41. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
42. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.
43. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
| Genealogy Links
| Bos'n Mates - You Need a Smile Page
| Genealogy Magazines Online |
| Military/Civilian Reunions & People Searches |
| Graphics Page
| My Favorite Links
| Awards I Have Received |
