Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.
Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.
Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted southerner to fix your busted head with duct tape.
Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.
Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon ain't!
Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
If you decide to stay in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em
biscuits.
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
< Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
The winter wardrobe that you always brought out in September can wait until November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed there.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
In southern churches you will hear the hymn "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy, "Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Also, if you ask for directions and they tell you "Oh, it's only 'bout a mile or so up the road." then you better figure on adding on another four miles for each mile they say it is. Example: "It's 'bout 2 miles." Truth is it's more like 10!
When you stop in the store for a "Coca-Cola" make sure you ask for a "Co-Cola." Asking for a "Coke" or "Coca-Cola" makes it even MORE obvious you are a Yankee! Ain't no point in pushing your luck.
Git yourself a pair of old and faded bib coveralls. Hang out in front of a country store with an RC Cola in a bottle and a Moon Pie. As long as you don't say nutin' people will think you are from the South. Just nod a lot and mumble "Ugh huh."
You can substitute the Moon Pie for peanuts. But in this case you dump the peanuts in the bottle of RC.
If you don't like Moon Pie or RC Cola then just ask for "Pack a Nabs and a Co-Cola." Nabs are those those crackers with peanut butter, etc. and come in a pack of six.
Just remember... if you try some of the above rules, DON'T pull up in your BMW, Mercedes, etc. Buy an old beat up pick up truck!
If you are from the North and come down South then you are known as a "Yankee." But if you are from the North and you move down South to live then you are known as a
"Damn Yankee."
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