A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the
house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just figured was her husband."
Now he guy is angry. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh... is this 832-4821?"
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bedside.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."
It's a regular class at a university. Forum
type, 300 to 400 students. The teacher is
notoriously nasty with people who are tardy and he
has a policy that when he says, 'STOP,' you stop
taking your exam. Well one day he yells STOP!
All the students stop and turn their tests in,
except for one student. So the teacher thinks,
'OK, I'll let him keep going to waste his time.'
So five minutes pass and the late student walks up
and tries to turn in his paper. But the professor
says: Sorry I can't take your paper
Student: Why not?
Professor: Because you're late.
Student: (angrily) Do you know who I am?
Professor: (looks at the student) No.
Student: (Raises his voice) Do you know who I AM?
Professor: (acting nonchalantly) No
So the student grabs the stacks of tests, shoves
his tests in the middle of the pile and walks off.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch
speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car
puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the
driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the
back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding,
but you should know that driving slower than the speed
limit can also be a danger to other
drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?
No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...
Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly. The State Police officer, trying to
contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the
route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is
everyone in this car ok? these women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just
got off Route 119."
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to
go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket
with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The
trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the
turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped. Joe takes the stuff
out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas
and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.''I
didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I
thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to
Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles
are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home
and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses,
knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he
gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the
turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing
on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and
steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe
and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is
a promise. Another day passes, and still no
Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three
more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve
starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says
with a hint of dementia in his voice.
'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho
probably skipped out to the Burger King down the
road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get
a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But
then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out
behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not
going.'
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