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Some rhetorical humor for your enjoyment. More will be added as they come in. Enjoy them....

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Some Rhetorical Humour

  • Are we having fun yet?

  • Are we there yet?

  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

  • If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  • What's another word for Thesaurus?

  • Who decided what order to put the alphabet in?

  • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

  • Why are there locks on the doors to the convenience store that is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year?

  • Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?

  • Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you cannot drink and drive? And why do bars have parking lots?

  • Why does TEFLON stick to the frying pan, since nothing ever sticks to TEFLON?

  • Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

  • Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats, instead of parachutes?

  • Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

  • Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

  • If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

  • Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

  • Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic ?

  • If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

  • Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

  • Does a fish get cramps after eating?

  • Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a near miss ? Shouldn't it be called a near hit ?

  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material?

  • Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

  • If you see a heat wave, should you wave back?

  • Why does sour cream have a 'best if used-by' date? Does it turn sweet?

  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

  • Why is it called TOOTHbrush when you brush all of your teeth?

  • Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

  • If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

  • Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

  • Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

    'Professional' Rhetorical Questions:

    Taking advantage of words with double meanings.....

  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't if follow that electricians can be delighted; musicians denoted; cowboys deranged; models deposed; tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? -- Virginia Ostman

  • Can a princess be disenchanted?

  • Can married people be decoupled?

  • Can fishermen be debated?

  • Can a trash collector be well disposed?

  • Can a doctor be patient?

  • Can teachers be detested?

  • Does a hair stylist ever get distressed?

  • Can a president be denominated?

  • Can a lawbreaker be defined?

  • Can songwriters be decomposed?

  • Have you ever heard of a symphony conductor getting disconcerted?

  • Can an HVAC technician be deducted?

  • Can an engineer be retrained?

  • Can a writer be described?

  • Have you ever seen a haberdasher who's mad as a hatter?

  • Can a guide be detoured?

  • Can a magician become disillusioned?

  • Could the Cowardly Lion discouraged, the Tin Man disheartened, and the Scarecrow reminded?

    The Best of Quotations

    • First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII -- and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure.
         --Douglas Adams

    • Why did the Mafia kill Einstein? He knew too much.

    • If riding in an airplane is flying, then riding in a boat is swimming. If you want to experience the element, get out of the vehicle.

    • Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?

    • Some people develop eye strain looking for trouble.

    • The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue.

    • If you sing country music backwards, you get your job and your wife back.

    • Someone who thinks of himself as a wit is usually half right.

    • A baby is the most complicated object made by unskilled labor.

    • Why not move the political conventions to one of the winter months so all that hot air won't go to waste?

    • Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.

    • Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.

    • Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.

    • Four out of five people hate being surveyed.

    • It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis.
         --Margaret Bonnano

    • Sometimes I need what only you can provide - Your absence.
         --Ashleigh Brilliant

    • Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
         -- Sam Brown

    • I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
         -- A. Whitney Brown

    • Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all of life's hazards, save one -- neglect.
         -- James D. Bryden

    • Anything worth having is worth working for.
         --Andrew Carnegie

    • The whole order of things is as outrageous as any miracle which could presume to violate it.
         --G. K. Chesterton

    • There are no words to express the abyss between isolation and having one ally. It may be conceded to the mathematicians that four is twice two. But two is not twice one; two is two thousand times one. That is why, in spite of a thousand disadvantages, the world will always turn return to monogamy.
         --G. K. Chesterton

    • It does not pay a prophet to be too specific.
         -- L.Sprague de Camp

    • Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.
         --Winston Churchill

    • Literature is the art of writing something that will be read twice; journalism what will be grasped at once.
         --Cyril Connolly

    • We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
         -- e. e. cummings

    • To be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
         -- e.e. cummings

    • I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.
         --Clarence Darrow

    • There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear.
         --Daniel Dennett

    • Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
         -- Philip K. Dick

    • People who don't vote have no line of credit with people who are elected.
         -- Marian Wright Edelman

    • The reason that the all American boy prefers beauty to brains is that he can see better than he can think.
         -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors

    • It was not so long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very, very small snack foods.
         --Geraldine Ferraro

    • My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
         -- Errol Flynn

    • Democracy is based upon the conviction that there are extraordinary possibilities in ordinary people.
         -- Harry Emerson Fosdick

    • For me the initial delight is in the surpise of remembering something I didn't know I knew. I have never started a poem yet whose end I knew. discovering.
         --Robert Frost

    • A poem begins with a lump in the throat.
         --Robert Frost

    • I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.
         --Robert Frost

    • Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines.
         --R. Buckminster Fuller

    • You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.
         --Galileo Galilei

    • I do not feel obliged to believe that same God who endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect had intended for us to forego their use.

    • If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
         --J.P. Getty

    • I'm proud of paying taxes. The only thing is --- I could be just as proud for half the money.
         --Arthur Godfrey

    • He who seeks for applause only from without has all his happiness in another's keeping.
         --Oliver Goldsmith

    • When one loves somebody, everything is clear - where to go, what to do - it all takes care of itself and one doesn't have to ask anybody about anything.
         --Maxim Gorky

    • The longer the excuse, the less likely it's the truth.
         -- Robert Half

    • Being right too soon is socially unacceptable.
         -- R.A.Heinlein

    • The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
         -- Abbie Hoffman

    • Beware how you take away hope from any human being.
         -- Oliver Wendel Holmes

    • I hope my achievements in life shall be these:
      That I will have fought for what was right and fair,
      that I will have risked for that which mattered, that
      I will have given help to those who were in need...
      That I will have left the earth a better place for what
      I've done and who I've been.
         --C. Hoppe

    • The great tragedy of Science -- the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly
         --Thomas Huxley

    • What we know of the past is mostly not worth knowing. What is worth knowing is mostly uncertain. Events in the past may roughly be divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.
         --W.R. Inge

    • Great minds have purposes, little minds have wishes.
         --Washington Irving

    • If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.
         -- Thomas Jefferson

    • The stakes are much too high for government to be a spectator sport.
         -- Barbara Jordan

    • A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free.
         -- Nikos Kazantzakis

    • No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
         --Henry Kissinger

    • If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room.
         --Anita Koddick

    • When we say "War is over if you want it," we mean that if everyone demanded peace instead of another TV set, we'd have peace.
         --John Lennon

    • The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
         --Jay Leno

    • Humanity does not pass through phases as a train passes through stations: being alive, it has the privilege of always moving yet never leaving anything behind.
         --C.S. Lewis, from The Allegory of Love

    • How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
         --Abraham Lincoln

    • Law begins when someone takes to doing something someone else doesn't like.
         -- Karl Llewellyn

    • The one man who should never attempt an explanation on poetry is its author. If the poem can be improved by its author's explanations it never should have been published.
         --Archibald MacLeish

    • From the earliest times the old have rubbed it into the young that they are wiser than they, and before the young had discovered what nonsense this was they were old too, and it profited them to carry on the imposture.
         --W. Somerset Maugham

    • The world always makes the assumption that the exposure of an error is identical with the discovery of truth--that the error and truth are simply opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the world turns to, when it is cured on one error, is usually simply another error, and maybe one worse than the first one.
         --H. L. Mencken

    • An age is called Dark, not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it.
         -- James Michener

    • He's a man way out there in the blue, riding on a smile and a shoeshine. And when they start not smiling back -- that's an earthquake...A salesman is got to dream, boy. It comes with the territory.
         --Arthur Miller, from Death of a Salesman

    • A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing.
         --Marilyn Monroe

    • Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads.
         --Marianne Moore

    • Meaning is not thought up and then written down. The act of writing is an act of thought. All writing is experimental in the beginning. It is an attempt to solve a problem, to find a meaning, to discover its own way towards a meaning.
         --Donald Murray

    • Literature and butterflies are the two sweetest passions known to man.
         --Vladimir Nabokov

    • A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.
         --Thomas Paine

    • It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.
         --Arnold Palmer

    • Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.
         -- Hesketh Pearson

    • I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
         --Beryl Pfizer

    • When you come right down to it all you have is yourself. The sun is a thousand rays in your belly. All the rest is nothing.
         --Pablo Picasso

    • I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends call it.
         -- Edgar Allen Poe

    • Great Literature is simply language charged with meaning to the utmost possible degree.
         -- Ezra Pound, from How to Read

    • If hard work were really a virtue, then mules would be saints.
         -- James D. Richardson

    • In later life, as in earlier, only a few persons influence the formation of our character; the multitude pass us by like a distant army. One friend, one teacher, one beloved, one club, one dining table, one work table are the means by which one's nation and the spirit of one's nation affect the individual.
         -- Jean Paul Richter

    • Two step formula for handling stress:
      1. Don't sweat the small stuff.
      2. Remember that it's all small stuff.
         --Anthony Robbins

    • It is far easier to be wise for others than to be so for oneself.
         --Francois de la Rochefoucauld

    • Never assume the obvious is true.
         --William Safire

    • I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.
         --J.D.Salinger, from The Catcher in the Rye

    • We have a Bill of Rights, which protects each of us from a bullying society, but no Bill of Responsibilities, which would oblige us to answer to the needs of others.
         --Scott Russel Sanders

    • A good idea will keep you awake during the morning, but a great idea will keep you awake during the night.
         --Marilyn Vos Savant

    • Yes, you can be a dreamer and a doer too, if you will remove one word from your vocabulary: impossible.
         -- H. Robert Schuller

    • Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius--and a lot of courage--to move in the opposite direction.
         -- Ernst F. Schumacher

    • A man's interest in the world is only an overflow from his interest in himself.
         -- George Bernard Shaw

    • To find in ourselves what makes life worth living is risky business, for it means that once we know we must seek it. It also means that without it, life will be valueless.
         --Marsha Sinetar

    • Whether by the strike of the enemy or your own thrust, whether by the man who strikes or the sword that strikes, whether by position or rhythm, if your mind is diverted in any way, your actions will falter, you will be cut down.
         --Takuan Soho

    • It takes a lot of time to be a genius, you have to sit around so much doing nothing, really doing nothing.
         -- Gertrude Stein

    • Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived.
      Patrick Stewart (Captain Jean-Luc Picard in the film Star Trek: Generations

    • We do not walk on our legs, but on our Will.
         -- Sufi proverb

    • Sutins Law: The most useless tasks are the most fun to do!

    • He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has alreadt earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.
         -- Mark Twain

    • Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
         -- Mark Twain

    • The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.

    • There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organization. If there are such things as angels, I hope they are organised along the lines of the Mafia.
         --Kurt Vonnegut, from The Sirens of Titan

    • The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
         -- H.G. Wells

    • Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break.
         -- Jane Wells

    • I have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.
         -- Rebecca West, in 1913

    • Advice to young writers who want to get ahead without any annoying delays: don't write about Man, write about 'a' man.
         -- E.B. White

    • Weinberg's first Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

    • Good artists exist simply in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are. A really great poet is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating. The worse their rhymes are, the more picturesque they look. The mere fact of having published a book of second-rate sonnets makes a man quite irresistible. He lives the poetry he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realize.
         --Oscar Wilde

    • Imagination is a quality given a man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.
         --Oscar Wilde

    • No amount of sophistication is going to allay the fact that all your knowledge is about the past and all your decisions are about the future.
         --Ian E. Wilson

    • Each had his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart; and his friends could only read the title.
         --Virginia Woolf, from Jacob's Room

    • Television is chewing gum for the eyes.
         -- F.L. Wright

    • When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
         --Henny Youngman

    • Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
         -- Frank Zappa

    I really can't believe that some people said what's listed below. Enjoy them....

    A treasury of ignorance, malapropism, misunderstanding and mistake

    So long as any amount shall remain unpaid under this note, the Borrower covenants and promises to that Bank that the borrower will not permit or suffer to exist any of the following conditions: death of the borrower.
    American Security Bank loan agreement

    We're not afraid of challenges. It's like we always say: if you want to go out in the rain, be prepared to get burned.
    Anonymous Brazillian Soccer Player

    How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.
    Anonymous Manufacturer

    Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.
    Anonymous Traffic Report

    This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time.
    Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

    We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
    Arab News report

    Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
    Batman Costume warning label

    Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It's what everybody likes. At least its not an awful body count--it's a fun body count.
    Bonnie Bedelia, actress, regarding the movie Die Harder

    Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.
    Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

    Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
    Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

    The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
    Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

    It was pretty good. Even the music was nice.
    Yogi Berra, after attending an opera

    Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.
    Yogi Berra, to Johnny Bench

    What good is the moon if you can't buy or sell it?
    Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader

    I think "immoral" is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word "unethical."
    Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader

    The Minutemen are not tall in terms of height.
    Dan Bonner, CBS sportscaster, during a UMass basketball game

    The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others.
    Gerry Brown, California governor

    Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths.
    Frank Broyles, college football coach

    All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it.
    George Bush, US President

    It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.
    George Bush, US President

    I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them.
    George Bush, US President

    Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
    Doug Collins, basketball commentator

    I wanted all my ducks in a row so if we did get into a posture we could pretty much slam-dunk this thing and put it to bed.
    Lee Cooke, mayor of Austin, TX, abusing cliches

    To forcibly remove a politician from office, one has to meet a much higher standard of dishonesty.
    Michael Cooney, Santa Barbara attorney

    We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement.
    Richard J. Daley, Chicago Mayor

    Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
    Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst`

    Ordinary rape and murder just doesn't make it anymore. It's much better to have ultra-violence, chainsaw massacres, X-rated Draculas, and continents sinking into the sea with the entire population lost, at the very least.
    Jon Davidson, advertising executive at New World Pictures, on what makes a good movie

    Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
    Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

    I find it interesting how we get carried away by the dogma a-la-mode.
    Lincoln Diaz-Ballart, US representative from Florida

    We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.
    Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

    Life is very important to Americans.
    Bob Dole, U.S. Senator from Kansas

    To move cabin, push button of the wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press the number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by natural order. Button retaining pressed position shows received command
    Elevator Instructions, Madrid, Spain

    We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
    Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

    If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.
    Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

    It was not my class of people. There was not a producer, a press agent, a director, an actor.
    Zsa Zsa Gabor, on the jury used in her assault trial

    The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
    David Garcia, baseball team manager

    Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it.
    Samuel Goldwyn

    Keep a stiff upper chin.
    Samuel Goldwyn

    This book has too much plot and not enough story.
    Samuel Goldwyn

    You've got to take the sour with the bitter.
    Samuel Goldwyn

    We're overpaying him but he's worth it..
    Samuel Goldwyn

    Don't pay any attention to the critics--don't even ignore them.
    Samuel Goldwyn

    I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.
    Samuel Goldwyn

    If you don't dissagree with me, how will I know I'm right?
    Samuel Goldwyn

    A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
    Samuel Goldwyn

    Why only twelve?
    Samuel Goldwyn, while filming The Last Supper, (attributed)

    Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.
    Gravestone Inscription

    Please deposit your valuables in the management.
    Guangdong Victory Hotel instruction Card, Guangdong, China

    Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.
    Pedro Guerrero, baseball player, on reporters

    Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
    Hong Kong dental advertisement

    We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
    Lee Iacocca

    Secretaries for openings in college administrative areas. Good typing, word processing helpful. Able to interfere with faculty, staff, and students.
    Irondequoit, NY want-ad

    Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity.
    IRS form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation

    You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what you are doing.
    IRS Training Manual for tax auditors

    Please provide the date of your death. from an
    IRS letter

    If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.
    Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

    Cheered by their words with an altogether more positive attitude to boxing...I found myself recalling the words of Marlin Brando in On the Waterfront, "I could have been a bartender."
    Look Japan
    magazine article

    Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries.
    Japan Times

    All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.
    Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster

    Most of my cliches aren't original.
    Chuck Knox, NFL football coach

    He was probably our greatest living painter -- until he died.
    LBC British Television News

    I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.
    Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

    And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?
    Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in wheelchairs on Disability Day

    This is unparalyzed in the state's history.
    Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

    Mattie's Restaurant and Yogurt Palace, "An alternative to Good Eating"
    Restaurant Business Card from Decatur, Texas

    The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?
    Jim McMahon, NFL football quarterback, on Europe

    People say I'm extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?
    Imelda Marcos , one-time Phillippine first lady, and owner of 3,000 pairs of shoes

    If ever there was a case of clearer evidence than this of persons acting in concert together, this case is that case!
    Sir R. Megarry

    Can't act. Can't sing. Balding. Can dance a little.
    MGM summary of a screen test by some guy named Fred Astaire

    No one wants to say the sky is falling, but in this instance I am afraid the emperor has no clothes. Despite Herculean efforts by the Council and Council staff, we are still only dealing with the tip of the iceberg.
    Charles Millard, NYC councilman, in a press release

    All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.
    David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. sign in a
    Moscow Hotel

    I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.
    Richard Nixon, US President

    I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version. Colonel
    Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

    Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar. sign in a
    Norwegian cocktail lounge

    We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble with the basics.
    Bob Ojeda, baseball pitcher

    It is beyond my apprehension.
    Danny Ozark, baseball team manager, regarding his team's losing streak

    We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.
    Parish Magazine

    I didn't know Onward Christian Soldiers was a Christian song.
    Aggie Pate, at a non-denominational mayor's breakfast, Fort Worth, Texas

    This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important.
    H. Ross Perot

    These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up.
    Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player

    Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.
    Bill Peterson, football coach

    The Lybian army is capable of destroying America and breaking its nose.
    Muammar Qaddafi

    Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.
    Dan Quayle, US VP, head of the Space Council

    Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
    Dan Quayle, US VP

    And now the sequence of events in no particular order.
    Dan Rather, television news anchor

    Seafood brought in by customers will not be entertained.
    Restaurant sign in Langkawi, Malaysia

    At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill.
    Sir Boyle Roche

    P.S. If you do not receive this, of course it must have been miscarried; therefore I beg you to write and let me know.
    Sir Boyle Roche

    Order you summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
    Sign in a tailor's shop

    I have nothing to say, and I'll only say it once.
    Floyd Smith, NHL Hockey coach

    Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.
    Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

    It's got lots of installation.
    Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, describing his new coat

    There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. article in
    Soviet Weekly

    You don't tell us how to stage the news, and we don't tell you how to report it.
    Larry Speakes, press secretary for President George Bush, addressing the media

    Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
    Reverand William Spooner, of Oxford, England (for whom the 'Spoonerism' is named)

    We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.
    Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

    The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
    Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

    Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.
    Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

    Q: What should I do if I find a rock in a bag of potatoes? A: Simply return the rock to your grocer, who will give you the rock's weight in potatoes. from a
    USDA booklet, titled How to Buy Potatoes

    I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents.
    George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

    We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
    Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

    Well, that was a cliff-dweller.
    Wes Westrum, baseball coach, about a close game

    I'm the consul for information, but I don't have any information.
    Ofra Ben Yaacoe, Israeli Consul, Chicago

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