Broken Wings
Well here we are again , another chapter written on page as well as lived.
I call it my summer of madness , and madness it was.
This past summer of 1997 , was one of the most confusing times I have ever
encountered.
I had experienced a Nervous breakdown , not only me , but my life-mate
as well,
what are the chances of two people going through a breakdown at the same
time ,
some thing was certainly amiss.
It all stemmed from the leaving of our old church , little did we know
we had
been the victims of brainwashing , and indoctrination.
We thought when we left , we would be o.k. , and were for awhile , but
all we
had done , was prolonged the inevitable.
You see we had thrown ourselves into working with the homeless , and on
top of everything else , we had experienced burnout.
It hurt so bad
when we left...9 years of our lives were spent there...so there was quite
a history.
I never even realized
, that I was being brainwashed..so subtle was the change. I knew I was
changing , but I honestly felt it was for the good and I am sure some of
it was , as in my heart I truly wanted to do the right thing.
All I wanted was
to find God's face..and find healing from allthe pain I had inside...to
be a good person and to reclaim my life from all the garbage I had put
myself through,
so many things
that happened to me happened through bad choices on my part , and bad choices
on the part of others. I wanted to learn control of myself., I was
so chaotic.
And in my Naivete'
, I gave my power away to another , asking them to fix me ,that was my
first mistake.
Never , ever give
your power away , I found out the hard way..what I want to tell in this
chapter is the effects , you may not be aware that can happen to you when
you
give someone else
control over your life..which can be as simple as asking someone to tell
you what to do..or as diabolical as being manipulated by someone into
coming under their
control. You see we have the power to control our own destinies...to make
of ourselves whatever we want.
Well while I was
at the park..I was growing very tired..as we didn't have a lot of help,
not for lack of
trying to find some people . Then slowly but surely I was going through
changes..first just the fatigue , then wanting to pull away , I just wanted
to be left alone. Then not being able to stand to have anyone touch me..every
touch felt like rape..even finally to the point of not being able to even
have my husband touch me.
I have always
been a very physical person..I love to hug people and touch them..I am
very outwardly expressive...but this was a torment I have never known before.
Finally I had to
pull away completely..I just couldn't take it , I fell into a deep , deep
depression , one I didn't think I would ever come out of..it was if Hell
had reached up and sucked me into some deep and torturous pit.
At night I was
having hallucinations, horrid ones, of death figures and demons, I have
never felt so out of control of my life. I was living in a constant state
of terror.
And in the daytime,
I wasn't even safe in the light of day..I experienced this really strange
shift in consciousness,,it was as though I was dead..and was moving through
people without even being noticed..like I wasn't real..or they weren't..it
was terrifying..then..Oh God! this was insane...one moment I would be crying,
I mean deep soul cries...and the next laughing for absolutely no reason
at all..with tears streaming down my face..laughing til it hurt so bad..What
was happening to me?
I had no control
over myself at all..and the more I tried to control what was happening,
and please understand I am strong person..I had been through so much in
my life..but this I was completely unprepared for.
I fianlly got the
strength to cry out for help..I asked everyone..no one was really prepared
to understand..nor could I blame them...but I did find lots of love and
understanding and compassion from my cyber-family; at Farsight, and also
my sisters of LOTH.
I am so Thankful
and grateful to them all for all the acceptance...and love they gave...you
wouldn't believe the outpouring of care that came to me.
I went through
a time where I didn't even want to see a Christian , let alone talk to
one..I left the "Church" determined I would never go back..I began to search
for myself..who was I...not this person who had been so manipulated..I
found I had been told many lies and perversions of the truth. I just wasn't
sure who I was anymore.
I ended up going
to a psychiatrist..he wasn't a lot of help..yet he was in some ways..I
was put on some medication..Mellarill..and the visitations stopped..I had
begun to understand..the reason for the hallucinations was from guilt..guilt
that had been shoved down my throat..I was always in fear of going to hell
for any little infraction..
and when I left
that church..the guilt was overwhelming on a deeper part of my being.
An thus it came
out in symbols of the bad of that church..death figures, demons, things
of that Nature...my name being called...something in my psyche was trying
to tell me something..that I had something to deal with and I had better
just face it and deal with it. I couldn't pretend everything was fine anymore.
It wasn't ...I was in deep trouble.
What the doctor
told me..was when your whole belief system is knocked from under you ,
the brain scrambles to make soem sense. the odd feeling of being separate
from everything actually has a name..it is disassociation. It is a real
and treatable phenomena.
So little by little
I saw I wasn't crazy..I was a victim..I believe in people taking resposibility
for their actions, but there comes a time when others can manipulate you
in ways , you don't know you are being manipulated..thus the brainwashing.
One thing is never
set someone up as better than you..don't look to gurus, or earthly
saviors...they are human and will fail you. I had set this man(the pastor)
up on a pedastal..thinking because he was a "man of God" that he would
have all the answers that could help fix me..I put my soul in his hands..
You see when I
first went to this church..I was unstable..I had just come through a terrible
pregnancy..I was so sick, and was afficted with Post -Traumatic Delayed
Stress-Syndrome from all the garbage of my past I had stuffed down deep.
So the first job
at hand was to sit down and read...read...read...find out everything I
could about spirituality..sift it through my own heart..and soul..see what
fit..throw out what didn't. And the first to go was the "Church"...now
when I speak of this..what I am talking about is the man-made church..I
found out so many things.. if people would just research their religions
out would be shocked...it isn't what you always think..
I had come out
of Catholicism...and found it not to be for me..yet I love the people..it
is the polotics and the manipulations and the outright lies that are told
that I have battle with.
It is in every
Faith...so I am very cautious now..I love the Creator , with all my heart..and
still consider myself a Christian..which means a follower of Christ..meaning
I love what He taught and try to follow that code of ethics He taught...and
it really came down to only two commandmeants..Love God with your whole
mind and spirit, and your neighbor as yourself. That Love is the whole
of the law.
This means not
judging others..though we were taught it is our right to do this..that
if we don't judge others..that we are held accountable for their blood
on our hands. That if we don't "convert "them , we are responsible. What
a weight to carry in ones spirit.
And as I look at
it now..I think this is an abominable thing to do to someone.
I believe in Loving
each person that comes into my life and helping in any way I can..only
if they ask for my help..I will not force my help on anyone...we are each
responsible ultimately to make our own decisions..we can suggest, or tell
what our experience is..and then let that person weigh the pros and cons
, coming to their own conclusions.
I searched into
so many different belief systems..and finding that there is a spark of
TRUTH in each..that TRUTH is TRUTH. Not only found in one place and only
one place as the "Church" teaches.
I found lies and
misconceptions in all systems...wherever Man has had his hand there
is going to be corruption..it is all part of what happens here.
What we have to
do is really open our spirit eyes and filter these things through them..and
through our hearts where God lives in the spark He gave us.
Then I had to go
back to the very beginning , who am I..not this automaton, the "Church"
tries to create..a sheep. That has never been me..I have fought all my
life to remain who I am..a person who walks to the beat of a different
drum. I have gone through periods of my life where I thought , that because
I am different , I was wrong , then I would try to mold myself to the image
of what others told me was "right" ,
then I would almost
go crazy from trying to please everyone who had a different view of what
is "right".
Finally I realized
I had to be true to me and what my heart felt was right. It wasn't until
I was about 43 that finally..and I even told my husband this..I finally
feel comfortable in my own skin..it dosn't matter what others think of
me...I know who I am..but then that awful Summer came and I was shattered.
It took months
to build myself back up again..to see what they had injected into me and
what was really me.
You see...just
before we left..I went through a sort of Epiphany , everything became crystal
clear....I saw them for who they were....I had prayed to God to show me
the truth..I had feelings about it....then I got one confirmation after
the other..the truth was revealed. And once the truth had been shown me..I
had to act upon it..I couldn't live the lie anymore. My husband and I left.
Little were we to know what awaited us for doing this. I feel we were somehow
covered in a protective shield , somehow...if this makes any sense..to
give us the time to make the break , to get on our feet.
But we accomplished
so many of our dreams at this time .. And little by little I saw the truth
of where we had been.
I feel so blessed
to have gotten out of there and gotten my life back ,they were never comfortable
with me or Dennis..it was as if God kept His hand on us even though we
were there.
I find that everything
happens for a reason...everything in life has a lesson wrapped within it
, if we just open our eyes to it . And even this...I think we were meant
to be there..maybe not so much for us as maybe for them..we were a real
thorn in their side.
Like the fact of
my making Blankets for Aids patients...and showing love..even if they had
shown their disapproval..I said No, this is the right thing to do..and
they said..How can you make presents for people damned by God, and I said..some
of these blankets go to children and babies..are they damned..that is not
what you taught me..they never could answer..and I saw the shame on their
faces. And I continue even to this day to make my blankets..as it is my
passion.
And through this
"summer of madness".. I also learned something..something that brought
a deep healing and finally forgiveness to my real mother...because I went
to this psychiatrist...he opened up one door for me...one I hadn't been
able to open my whole life...I wrote about in another chapter about how
my mother had try to kill me and my brother....
Well I realized
now..she never really wanted to kill us..that she did love us..and was
crying out for help...you see this happened in the 50's...my mom had severe
andI am talking severe migraines...and back then noone took them seriously..you
were called a hysterical female...and mom's were so bad she would slam
her head into walls...and take overdoses of medicine...and it was during
these times she did these awful things ro me and brother...and then they
sent her to what was only known as the 10th floor..for electric shock
therapy....my God...my mother was being tortured for being sick...she wanted
help so bad..that she risked my brother and me...like she was saying..."Please
help , me if you don't help me , I will take the lives of my own children
,can't you see I am sick"
When I finally
saw the truth of this...I cried for days over this...but my first reaction
when I saw this truth..was I told my doctor..If my mother were here I would
hold her in my arms and comfort her....forgiveness flooded my soul....my
motther didn't hate me as the family stories went...she needed help and
was being tortured instead...how all alone and isolated she must have felt..to
be in so much pain..and people just think you are crazy and not hear you...
I too , inherited
those migraines..I got them when I was 12 years old and they lasted until
I was about 40..they were horrendous, sometimes I went crazy from them..and
even in that time there was no relief for them..it wasn't until my 30's
that they took them seriously, and gave me some medicine that made them
bearable..though I was often in bed for 3 days at a time..so sick..not
being able to tolerate light, or sound..or eat..ands constantly vomiting..and
my mother's were many times worse.
And just as they
came out with affordable medicine for them and understood them, they just
suddenly ceased. But I thank God for that..not to have them anymore..I
pray my daughter never gets them..as they are inherited..but at least now
they can be controlled
So in spite, of
the awful time we went through this summer..if it were even for just this
one truth I learned..it would have been all worth it for me. But
much more than this came from this breakdown...not just for me but for
my husband as well..but that is his story to tell...I also had a chance
to start from scratch and really know who I am...what exactly _I_ believe
and not what someone else has told me to believe , or guilted me into believing.
There is much more
I saw and learned but that will be in my Visions page..as they were visions..visoions
that revealed truth to me.
And I guess the
point of this page and the lesson learned is ..don't give your power away
by setting someone up above you , and I believe this applies in many settings,
work, friends,lovers, and even spouses..it means you will lose yourself.
And really know
why you believe what you believe, don't just accept it from one source,
check things out for yourself..read many sources..and what it come down
to
is filter these
things through your spirit...do they ring true..if you get a feeling like
a buzzer going off.. or a red light...stop...listen..your heart is trying
to tell you something....listen to that inner voice we all have...it is
soft and gentle...though if you are in danger , it can be almost a SCREAM....it
won't lead you wrong...you see many times over the years my spirit tried
to tell me soething..but I didn't listen because I had set these people
as above me...they are so spiritual..they know things I don't so they must
be right.
So , please learn
to listen to this voice...it could save your life.
This is why I say
"Learn to "see" with you spirit eyes, and " listen" with your spirit ears"
Home