Hunger..A Journey

It hurts mommy
Can't you hear me ?
There's a knot in the pit of my tummy.
I am weak , I cry.
Mommy...Mommy ?

I scream , I cry ; I go silent
There is an animal ripping at my insides ,
I am so scared.
Why don't you hear me mommy ?
Why do you want me to die?
Mommy...Mommy?

I have a new mommy now;
My tummy full , body warm ;
clean clothes , my skin all shiny and new.
This time will be different.

Mommy can you hear me ?
I hear you..I am bad.
Forgive me mommy...Love me mommy,
Touch me mommy , feed me mommy.

It hurts mommy.
A knot in the pit of my stomach.
I am weak..I cry.
Mommy....Mommy?

But all is black , surrounded by three walls
and a locked door.
I am afraid , so all alone
I am small, I am a worm.

I look in the mirror.
I see the monster mommy said I would become.
Distorted features..limbs all mishapen.
I am in Hell.
A demon has taken mommy's place
Mommy....Mommy?

The creature inside me grows larger,
with rapier claws and fangs.
He rips at me night and day.
I fight back with my secret..my dirty little secret.
The one that Teddy helps me hide..
in the rafter's and the eaves.

Mommy is gone now..
But her voice is still inside.
Those hateful words..so often said..
Doomed to repeat their awful chide.
Words were her weapon..a weapon she wielded with great pride.
Words that cut like a surgeons scalpel..that cuts oh so deep and wide.

You hurt me mommy..more than I can say.
You took away my self -esteem..and stole my security away.
But I am a survivor, mommy..and stronger than you ever knew.
I am learning to take me in my arms..and hold the little child..
to nurture her..and care for her..and show her lots of love...
She never got from you.

I'm all grown up now...mommy...with a daughter of my own.
I am healing mommy ...from the cruelty I was shown
I have torn myself wide open..exposed myself to light
Applied the balm of understanding..and love.
Learning to make things right.

I may have scars..that will never go away
But they are there..lest I forget..
What a mommy is supposed to be.
So my daughter..never has to cry..
and wonder what became of me.
Or feel that animal inside.
3/15/99 dch
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