Paradise In the Upper Penninsula of Michigan
Dear Diary:
AUG 12 Moved to our new home in the U.P. The scenery here so beautiful here I can hardly wait to see the snow covering the landscape.
OCT 14 The U.P. is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful country side and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This is paradise. I love it here.
NOV 11 Deer hunting season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon.
DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed
DEC 8 Everything is in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight. I won. And when the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I LOVE snow. I LOVE it here.
DEC 14 More snow last night. I LOVE it. The snow plow did his little trick again to the driveway. I LOVE IT HERE. I LOVE THE U.P.>>>
DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Darn snowplow.
DEC 22 More of that white stuff fell last night. I got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the bend and waits until I am done shoveling the driveway. It is a pain in the you know what.
DEC 25 Merry BAH HUM BUG Christmas. More snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-gun who runs that snowplow I swear I will kill the creep. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt all that darn ice.
DEC 27 More of that white crap last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after the snow plow comes by each time. Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in the mountain of white crap. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of snow again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full 10 inches is?
DEC 28 The dang weatherman was wrong. We got 28 inches of the white stuff this time. At this rate it wont melt till summer. The snowplow got stuck up on the road and that son-of-a-gun came to MY door asking to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the crap he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last one over his blankety blank head.
JAN 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way a danged deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $6000.00 damage to the car. Those beasts should all be killed. I wish the hunters would have killed them all last November.
MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting from all that lousy salt they put all over the roads.
MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken U.P.
Tips
for Northerners moving South
1. Save all manner
of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you dorun your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a
four wheel drive with
a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
7. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
8. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
9. People walk slower here.
10. Don't be
worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
11. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".
Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression.
One hundred percent are in denial about it.
12. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
13. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way.
These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
In fact, if you see
a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed
to do.
18. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is
to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the
dish cost considerabley more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
19. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor".
You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy,
Laudy".
20. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in
the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position
for the vehicle.
21. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, or where Aunt Loany wreaked the tractor you're better off trying to find it yourself.
22. No use buying
the newspaper. Just go to the local hardware store where a bunch
of men sitting in rocking chairs will be able to give you any news you
might need to know.
  
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