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> >1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
> > 2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
> > 3) You know stuff about tanks.
> > 4) A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
> > 5) Monday Night Football.
> > 6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
> > 7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
> > 8) You can open all your own jars.
> > 9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
> > 10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
> > 11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
> > 12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
> > 13) All your orgasms are real.
> > 14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
> > 15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
> > 16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
> > 17) You understand why Stripes is funny.
> > 18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
> > 19) Your last name stays put.
> > 20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
> > 21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
> > 22) You can kill your own food.
> > 23) The garage is all yours.
> > 24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
> > 25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
> > 26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
> > 27) You never have to clean a toilet.
> > 28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
> > 29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
> > 30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
> > 31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
> > 32) Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
> > 33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.
> > 34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
> > 35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
> > 36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
> > 37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
> > 38) You can write your name in the snow.
> > 39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
> > 40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
> > 41) Chocolate is just another snack.
> > 42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
> > 43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
> > 44) Flowers fix everything.
> > 45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
> > 46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
> > 47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
> > 48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
> > 49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
> > 50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
> > 51) Foreplay is optional.
> > 52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
> > 53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
> > 54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
> > 55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
> > 56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
> > 57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
> > 58) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
> > 59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
> > 60) The world is your urinal.
> > 61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
> > 62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
> > 63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
> > 64) One mood, all the time
> > 65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
> > 66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
> > 67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
> > 68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
> > 69) Same work...more pay!
> > 70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
> > 71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
> > 72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
> > 73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
> > 74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
> > 75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
> > 76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
> > 77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
> > 78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
> > 79) ESPN's SportsCenter.
> > 80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
> > 81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
> > 82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
> > 83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
> > 84) You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
> > 85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
> > 86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
> > 87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
> > 88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
> > 89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
> > 90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
> > 91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
> > 92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
> > 93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
> > 94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
> > 95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
> > 96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
> > 97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
> > 98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
> > 99) Baywatch
> > 100) There's always a game on somewhere.
> >
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