>
People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.
>
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
>
If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.
>
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely. The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
>
>I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
>
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
>
Always take time to stop and smell the roses and, sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
>
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.
>
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
>
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
>
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It make the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
>
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
>
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
>
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
>
Aaaaaaaaah, the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief...
>
Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
>
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
>
Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.
>
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
>
They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!
>
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
>
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
>
I've found a sure way to relieve office stress: Step 1: take a deep breath. Step 2: count to 10. Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.
>
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two. first. Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!
>**************************************************