All those years growing up, I guess I did listen to my parents more than I thought. Someone once told me they were glad no one ever gave them a "parent's instruction book". Now, I know why...it would have to be the size of the National Archives!!
It's been 3 years, since I became an "absent" father. It's like most things in life. You can not imagine what it's like, until you do it. Of course, putting children through the emotional roller coaster of a divorce is the last thing I ever dreamed of. My ex-wife and I made ever possible concession, always putting our children at the top of the list. Now, 3 years later, we still remain friends, and the children remain at the top of our priority list, our personal wants staying in perspective. The children have, and will always, come first...because that is the way it should be.
My life now is something I could never have imagined in any form. I not only have my 3 children, who live with my ex-wife, but now 2 more. I have now become not only a divorced dad, but also a new step-dad. And, a few months ago, an adoptive father as well. Never trying to replace their biological fathers, but quickly becoming their "dad".
What does all this mean??? Total confusion!! Trying to provide an emotional balance to all the kids is a tough job. Being the absent father, the natural reaction is to "shower" them with gifts the few times a year I get to see them, yet I know the support payments I make give them so many things. Still, there is a big void in my heart, not being the one to "pay" when they get a new pair of shoes, or dress.
Even though I am here full time with my step-son, and new daughter, there is always guilt when I do buy those gifts for my other 3 children. Do they feel I am doing more for my 3 than for them? Spending more time with one than the other?
And of course, there is the ever present feeling of not being able to do enough for any of them. Now, in my mind, I know this is not the case. I talk to all of them about it, and both give, and get assurances that these feelings are not real, merely perceived. But, my heart is heavy...sad that I can not be there to watch my 11 YO son's soccer game, or see the look on my daughter's face as she gets her drivers license, or open the door to greet the "prom date".
Worse yet, I am not there when there is a problem, car accident, sickness, or something as simple as a bad grade on a test.
Then there is the constant wonder if I am doing the right thing with my "new" family. Am I too hard? too easy? Do I favor anyone, or do I really show them I care and love each of them. How do you be their "dad" and yet, not be their "father". You just do...love them, care for them, support them, and be there...whether you are in the same house, city, state, or country. Be there, let them know you care, and love them.
These are all things I face daily. Not a minute of the day goes by, that I am not wondering if I am doing the right thing..being fair...caring enough, showing enough...loving enough.
Not a single day goes by that I do not miss being there for the three not with me. But, as with most things in life, we go on, day by day, trying our best to do the right thing, hoping we show the right path to take.
Being a dad is just being a person. Someone who makes mistakes, who doesn't have all the answers, who is willing to give everything for nothing in return, and...who loves and supports his family in the best way he knows how.
As Forest Gump's mom said...
"Life's like a box of chocolates....you never know what you gonna get, till you bite into it..."
I wouldn't trade a single second for anything in the world.
To my children, Rick, Jeremy, Tammy, Sarah, and Tommy....
I Love You all, and am so proud to be called......
Dad
This small jpg was made just for me by my wife.
If you click on it, you can see just how I feel about her.
