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by Arlene Jacobs
First published in The Compassionate Friends Newsletter,
Montgomery, Alabama Chapter, Oct., 1997
Having had my son die the Monday before Thanksgiving, the winter holidays are always trying for me; there is the association of Kevin's death and memorial service (which was held on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving), and then the first Christmas without him immediately following. And though it has been a few years now, when October comes around, and the holidays loom ahead of me, I feel that dread starting to overcome me. While the first year was very difficult, I found the following year, marking the first anniversary of his death, was even more trying. Perhaps immediately after his death I was just too numb to comprehend.
However, all holidays since have been tinged with a degree of sadness, as is the case with many who have suffered the death of a child. Holidays are usually filled with certain expectations, as well as their focus on children, which can be difficult to deal with as a bereaved parent. One cannot escape the holidays, no matter how we try to ignore them. They are everywhere, in the ads, on TV, the movies, the radio. Pictures of happy children and happy families are everywhere, and they jangle our raw nerves and raw feelings. I cried every time I turned around, seeing vivid reminders of what I no longer had.
I chose to do something different those first few holidays. I decided to think of others instead of focusing on my grief. The first two Christmases after Kevin's death I arranged for a meal and caroling for the families of other patients in the ward at the hospital in which he'd been. I visited other mothers who were "stuck" in the hospital with a sick child.
I did not participate in the normal extended family gatherings that first year, primarily because I didn't think I could handle seeing all the happy nephews and nieces opening gifts, knowing my son would not be getting the presents I had purchased for him. Instead my husband and I went to a candle light service on Christmas Eve, and spent Christmas day alone at home, allowing ourselves the chance to grieve in peace.
But after the first year, and with the birth of subsequent children, we have returned to celebrating the holidays with the extended families again, and participating in the traditions surrounding the holidays. We still remember Kevin and hang his ornament on the tree each year with a touch of sadness, but the joy for the season has returned.
My recommendations for newly bereaved parents would be to not push yourselves to do things that you do not feel ready to do. Remember that you are grieving, and be gentle with yourselves. Allow the memories and tears to come, as they will help the healing. Think out ahead of time what you will do on those days, perhaps including something that was special to your child. Discuss your fears and your feelings with other family members. If you have other children, try to arrange alternate activities for them, such as spending time with a favorite Aunt, Uncle and cousins.
If the usual traditions seem too painful, change them. Do something different. Perhaps go away during that time if you normally stay at home, or stay home if you normally visit family. Remind others that you are still grieving and may not be able to handle the normal activities. Be patient with yourself. There are no set rules for dealing with the holidays; your family and your situation is unique, and only you can work out the solution that fits.
 Go to The Compassionate Friends Home Page
Go to My Parents Are Survivors - Grief Support
Go to My Parents Are Survivors - Florida Chapter
Go to Grief Resources Page
Go to Arlene's Page
Go to The Florida Jacobs Family Page
Content © 1998, Arlene Jacobs.
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