There is a terrifying darkness out there that families fear. A darkness that has affected so many. It is a invader that causes is so much anguish and pain. It makes no distiction between race, gender, or status. An enemy to us all. Cancer, a destroyer of dreams and hopes.

I am going to travel back now, to a time when my family went through an ordeal that cut deep into our hearts. A time when cancer came knocking at our front door.

My sister Helen was 28 years old, when she first found a lump in her breast. She went straight to my mother who advised her to go to a doctor immediately. The nearest doctor was 14 miles away. After examination the doctor referred Helen to a specialist in Perth. There she had a biopsy and then the long two day wait for results. We prayed for the best while trying to prepare for the worst. Before I relate the results, let me pause to tell you about my sister.

My mother’s her first marriage took place in 1951. She knew it was a mistake from the start, in fact she tried to call off the wedding but the invitations had already gone out. The family would not hear of it. It was a very unhappy union from the start, and mum found herself pregnant soon after the marriage. She made the decision that when she went into hospital to have her baby, she would never return to her husband. Helen was born in Fremantle, Western Australia.

Mum was a qualified nurse and as her Aunty was the Matron of a private hospital she was able to give mum a nursing position there. She had quarters at the hospital where she and Helen lived. Aunty cared for Helen during mum shifts. Helen's father did come and see Helen, and for awhile did provide some financial support. His interest soon faded however. This arrangement worked for a short while but mum realised that she would soon have to move on. She applied for several jobs, gaining a nursing position at the hospital in a small country town.

While mum worked away, Helen stayed with mums parents. Mum found this hard, but Helen was much better off with her grandparents. Soon after arriving Mum met dad , who was doing an apprenticeship as a motor mechanic. At 27 years of age, mum was 7 years older than dad. She was also divorced with a daughter, so some family negativity was understandable. Nevertheless my parents were married in 1960. Helen was mums flowergirl at the wedding. After their marriage mum resigned her postion at the hospital, then was able to bring Helen to live with them. Helen was now 6 years old.

I was born November 1960, just nine months after my parents were married. I like to refer to myself as the “honeymoon baby”, and tease Mum & Dad saying that they got married just in time. They both just laugh. My brother Peter, was born 11 months later.

Dad did try and adopt Helen, so that she would have the same name as us all. Helen’s father would not allow this, so Helen often had to explain why she had a different surname to the rest of the family. Her father at this time, had not seen her for many years and never contributed to her financially. I have never thought of Helen as my half sister. She was with Mum and Dad long before I came along, and as far as I am concerned, she IS my sister. I know that my brother feels the same.

Dad always treated us the same, in fact I was around 9 years old before I fully understood why Helen’s name was different to mine. I did notice however that some other family members treated her as different. Not different in a bad way, in fact the opposite. I noticed that whenever we visited mums side of the family, that they were always more concerned with Helen that my brother & I. I remember thinking that there must be something very special about my sister that I did not know about. I also remember feeling a little hurt and left out by this. Looking back now, I can understand their concern.

Mum and Helen were always very close. Helen’s and my relationship is something that I ponder about often. I would love to be able to say that we were close, but we had so many factors against a close sister relationship. One of the obstacles was our age difference. I recall Helen saying to me, “Trace we won’t even be teenagers together”. She was right, as I turned 13 she turned 20. Helen went away to boarding school when I was only 8 years old. We never lived in the same house again, so how could we share the many things that sisters take for granted. It frustrates me so much, that I remember so little about the time when she lived with us. With only 11 months separating my brother and I, we used to play together so much. I have many fond memories of those times, and today we enjoy a wonderful close brother sister relationship.

In 1974 Helen married, I was 13 years old. I was thrilled to be her bridesmaid. She looked so beautiful in her long shining white gown. It had long sleeves, with cuffs nearly reaching knee level, trimmed with white fur. I wore a long deep purple skirt, with a matching light mauve blouse, high necked and long sleeved. I had my long blonde hair styled high upon my head. My brother was also in the bridal party, looking ever so smart in his suit and bow tie. It was a very happy day for us all.

After many years of waiting, Helen finally fell pregnant and had a lovely baby daughter, Vanessa Jane in 1978. I remember waiting in the corridor of the hospital eager to see my new niece, so excited about becoming an aunt. This was also a happy time for Helen, the birth of the child that she always wanted. She was now living close to mum, only two doors down. It was a great comfort to Helen, having mum so close. They both shared many special moments together watching Vanessa grow from and infant to a toddler.

While we waited for the result of Helen’s biopsy, we tried to be positive. Helen was a fit and healthy 27 year old, only smoked and drank socially. No way could she possibly have cancer. How wrong we were, the results came back positive and it was advised that she be admitted into hospital immediately to have a mastectomy. It was devastating for her, being so young and having to loose a breast. Everything happened so quickly. Mum stayed to look after Vanessa, her husband had to work, so I was the only family member in Perth that could be with her.

The night before the operation, I had a phone call at my work from a nurse at the hospital. She asked if I was Helen’s sister. She then went on to relate how distressed Helen was, and asked could I come in and be with her. I told her I would be in straight after I finished work. I was 20 years old at this time working as a receptionist. I went to the hospital on the back of my boyfriends motor bike. He waited outside while I visited Helen. My sister needed me and I wanted so much to be there for her. I did however feel very inadequate. Helen was always the strong one, my big sister. I am a very emotional person and knew that tears were the last thing that she needed. How could I possibly comfort her. I took a deep breath and swallowed hard as I walked into her room. She was sitting at the end of her bed, and when she saw me, gave me a huge smile. “Hi Trace”, she said. I went and gave her a hug and kiss. How proud I was of myself, I had kept tears at bay. I would have plenty of time for that later. We sat and talked and I tried to re-assure her that all would be okay.

After the operation we had more bad news. The cancer had spread to many of her lymph glands, and advised to go on a program of extensive chemotherapy. I did not understand exactly what this was, but I did know that she would have some awful side effects. It started fortnightly then down to monthly treatment.

Helen was 5’ 8”, with light brown hair, slim with fair complexion. Helen always dressed nicely and when she went out her makeup was perfect. She was a wonderful cook, desserts being her speciality. She was very artistic and was a perfectionist at everything she did. She decorated cakes which looked spectacular. As a housewife she was very particular, you could visit Helen any time of night or day never finding a mess of any sort. Even her spare room was spotless, and her linen cupboard stood to attention, nothing out of line. She was an avid Beatles fan, John Lennon being her favourite.

Through his work Helen's husband was transferred to Alice Springs in the Northern Territory. They were eager about the move, but the parting with mum was hard for her. I knew that mum would miss Helen and Vanessa terribly. Helen looked so well we all felt positive that she would fully recover.

Helen loved living in Alice Springs. She had a comfortable home, met some nice people and was generally settling into life there very easily. She was flying back to Perth each month to have her treatment. The chemotherapy made her very ill so she would stay a couple of days to give her time to recover. It was awful to see her at those times, my heart went out to her. I kept telling myself it was all for her own good, as it was going to make her better.

Christmas 1984 was coming up quickly. Mum and Dad decided that they would fly to Alice Springs, to be with Helen over the festive season. My brother was also living in “Alice” at this time, so they would all be able to spend this time together. I was now married, with a 3 year old son. I could not afford the cost of airfares so stayed in Perth. This was the first Christmas that I would not spent with my family, but if I had known that it was to be Helen’s last, I would have raised the money somehow. That was a very depressing Christmas for me, I wanted to be with them all so much. As with family tradition Dad faithfully video taped the Christmas dinner. I have only seen it once, and must admit I did not enyoy watching it at all. I was not there with my sister on her last Christmas. She waved to me on camera, and laughed happily, “Hi Trace”. No, I did not want to watch this and be reminded that I was not there.

When I informed mum that I was going to write this story she asked me if I would like to refer to her diary. I had not known that she kept a diary during Helen’s last year. I made sure that I read her entries when I was alone, as I knew that many painful memories would come flooding back to me. The follow entries have been taken from mums diary.

Tuesday May 21st, “Helen phoned last night - returning to Perth today from Adelaide - not too well - her leg this time. Tracy will pick her up & take her to Dr’s tomorrow”. I felt so bad when I read this, as I cannot remember this day at all. I also need to mention that Vanessa had been staying with mum for the past month as Helen was not well enough to have her.

Wednesday May 22nd, “ ....phoned Tracy - Helen admitted to Hospital B10 QE11. Condition much worse..........so tired and worried.” Mum came to Perth the following Saturday, bringing Vanessa so Helen could see her.

Sunday May 26th, “.....Took Vanessa to visit Helen in hospital - she looks so ill...

Wednesday May 29th, “...Rod phoned. Peter phoned hospital while I was visiting Helen - talked briefly - he is well. Helen not very well today. Her flowers are lovely .....”

Thursday May 30th, “.........got down to Aunty’s by 13.20 p.m. had lunch, then we went to visit Helen. Aunty shocked to see Helen and how ill she looked ...” The Aunty that mum refers to in her diary entries, is the same Aunt that was Matron at St. Helen’s, when Helen was born. All our family refer to her as Aunty. She never married so Mum was the daughter that she never had.

Mum returned home with Vanessa on Saturday 1st June.

Sunday 9th June, “...Phoned hospital & Helen not able to speak on phone - not good.”

Wednesday 12th June, “...Helen not too well - Tracy phoned to let me know her progress.

Thursday 13th June, “...We are thinking of going to Perth this weekend to see Helen - Dad hasn’t seen her since her return from Adelaide”

Sunday 15th June, “...Left CA for Perth 11.00 a.m....Brought a lovely orchid for Helen on way to Tracy’s. Arrived at Tracy’s about 1.30 p.m. Cooked mushrooms that Mary Reynolds sent Helen then went to hospital. Helen quite bright but looking no better. Stayed with Helen until 6.00 p.m.”

Sunday 16th June, “...Helen finding it harder all the time to walk - now walks with a walking stick”

Monday 17th June, “Phoned Robert & told him its about time he came down. So he will be arriving on Wednesday. Visiting Helen again for the day - started knitting to pass the time - coat hangers”

Thursday 20th June, “Spent day at hospital, from 9.30 a.m. until 6.00 p.m. Kept all Helens flowers fresh & nice - nobody seems to do them but it gives me something to do other than knit. Helen sleeps off & on all day. Doesn’t watch any TV now - can’t keep awake long enough to watch any. Poor girl knows she is dying. The waiting is dreadful.”

Sunday 23rd June, “At hospital by 10.00 a.m. Clarrie, Val, Samantha, Greg, Tracy, Lance, Vanessa, Rod & I we all took Helen out to dinner. She looked so ill but faced it bravely. Didn’t eat much and was very ill all the way back to Tracy’s. I know now that if we don’t get Helen out of hospital soon it will be too late. She never complains - only of the pain - its so hard to watch your daughter slowly wasting away.”

Helen at this stage was getting so many visitors it was getting too much for her. So many of her friends wanted to see her for the last time. We only let one visitor in at a time, and then for only about 10 mins, she just could not cope with any more.

I cannot remember the exact day, but it was at about a week before Helen died that she asked to see a priest. She was not very religious but she wanted so much to make her peace with God. The priest came one afternoon and she asked us to join hands while he prayed. As we joined hands, I felt like I was watching the scene from a movie, I just could not believe this was happening. I tried to pray with them all, but for the life of me, I just could not do it. The pain in my heart was just too much. I quickly left the room and went to a empty sitting room and cried my heart out. Just as I got to the door Helen noticed me leaving, and I heard her say to someone “Is Tracy alright”. She was the one dying and she wanted to know if I was alright.

Mum wanted so much to get Helen out of hospital and care for her herself. Her plan was to rent a house close to me. We did find a house that was perfect, even signed a lease and paid a months rent. But as you will see it was not to be.

Tuesday 25th June, “In to see Helen at 9.00 a.m. and will leave about 2.00 p.m. with girl from hospital to see the house we have rented for Helen. Nice 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom which will suit us just fine. All we have to wait for now is the Doctors O.K. and off we will go. I’ve got hospital bed and all the right things organised for tomorrow. Helen not so well - her liver is so enlarged that she is uncomfortable. When will it all end”.

Wednesday 26th June, “...arrived at hospital to find Helen in a dreadful state - had a bad night & I thought she wouldn’t be with us much longer. Tracy came & was upset too. I phoned Robert & couldn’t get him - Phoned Peter & told him to come straight down.” Robert and Peter had to come from Alice Springs, a four hour flight.

Thursday 27th June, “Helen wants to see Vanessa so I phoned Rod & he will bring her down right away. They arrived by 3.00 p.m. Helen glad to see Vanessa. I feel now that I won’t leave Helen alone anymore, someone will have to stay each night. Robert & Peter arrive at 1.00 a.m. tomorrow morning. “

Saturday 29th June, “...I stayed all night - I only dozed a couple of times & nursed Helen. She slept off & on & is in a dreadful state. I know now she won’t come home.”

Monday 1st July, “After a dreadful night for me, but peaceful for Helen she passed away at 5.00 a.m. 10 minutes before Robert & Tracy came. I’ve kept my promise to be with Helen at her death....we are all very stunned just can’t believe Helen has gone...”

So on the 1st July 1985, Helen left us. She was just 32 years old.

I wanted to be with Helen when she died but arrived to late. When I walked into the hospital Mum was sitting in the entry way. We hugged and the nurse asked if I would like to see Helen. I wanted to see my sister one last time. I entered her room slowly and quietly. At first I stood at the foot of her bed, just looking at her. Many thoughts going through my mind. Mostly I was glad that her pain had finally ended. Then I walked to her side and took her hand. She felt cold. I stroked her cheek, and told her I loved her. I bent down to kiss her, pausing just for a moment to linger on her cheek. The tears now flowed freely. I started to leave the room, just as I got to the door I turned and said, “goodbye sis”. They were my last moments with my sister..

As a final tribute to Helen, one of her favourite songs was played at her funeral. A recording of John Lennon singing ”Imagine”. I cannot listen to that song without recalling this day. It was a very sad day for us all, one that we were glad to get behind us. Helen’s biological father came to the funeral, along with his new family. I wonder how she would have felt about that. Happy I hope. It had been many years since they had seen each other.

I named my daughter Nicole Helen in memory of her. I know that she would have been thrilled about that. My family and I talk about her often, as we have so many wonderful memories of her. Her daughter, Vanessa is turning 19 years old this April. She was only 6 years old when her mother died, but does have some memories of her. Vanessa has recently moved in with my parents, who live only 5 minutes from me. She is turning into a lovely young woman, and we love her dearly. She is so much like her mother it makes me smile.

When I think of my sister, I like to remember the happy times we shared as a family. Of her laughing and making some joke. Eating one of her Black Forest Chocolate cakes, which would just melt in your mouth making you beg for more. Of her softly singing a song to herself, while busy at some chore. Of watching her face light up when she opened my Christmas present, the year I gave her a New Zealand T-shirt. I treasure these memories and hold them close to my heart.

We miss you sis.

by Tracy Willet.
Copyright March 1998.