ADVICE FOR TOURISTS
This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. By all
accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people...
MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to
as"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for
what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents
American.
MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"- he
will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative
people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your
acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
CUSTOMS
Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union with
Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour
siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in
Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do
not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late
for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank -
everyone will understand and forgive you.
RELAXING
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging.."
Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the
colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the
hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing
some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are.
The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the
water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you
when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you
are an experienced cottager.
FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week
(rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon
wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of
meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear
Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When
you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and
won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom
dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling
your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a
person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the
restaurant's list of exquisite British wines.If he does not, you should
order one anyway.The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky
hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a
rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a
suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to
dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
TRANSPORTATION
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride
in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi
driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver
disciplined. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus
drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board
any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are
"pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please
take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.
Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know
you're not so ignorant!). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the
London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if
you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still
travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at
the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any
of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though,
beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that
roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early
19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to
exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you
should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people
have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a
minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.
AIRPORTS
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as
you make your way through customs. Safe travels and Bon Voyage!
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