A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Adam Jamieson,could I please speak to John Brown?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down John's correct number and called him.
He had given me the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with John, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a complete dickhead!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "complete dickhead," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a complete dickhead!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year, BT introduced 1471 - last number ID. This was a real disappointment for me, as I would have to stop calling the complete dickhead.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice,"Hello."
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of British Telecom and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our 1471 ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a complete dickhead!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can always do something about it.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
In Tesco's car park, this lady geriatric really took her time pulling out of her parking place. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the parking slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black XR3i came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "Hey ! you can't just do that, mate. I was here first!"
The wanker climbed out of his XR3i completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shop as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a complete dickhead - there sure a lot of complete dickheads in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling my other number and yelling, "You're a complete dickhead!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black XR3i lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black XR3i for sale?">
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 18 West Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is James Thomson."
"When's a good time to catch you, James?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen James, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"James, you're a complete dickhead!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added James Thomson's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two complete dickheads to call. Then, after several months of calling the complete dickheads and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial complete dickhead #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a complete dickhead!", but I didn't hang up.
The complete dickhead said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "James Thomson."
He said "Where do you live?"
"18 West Street. It's a yellow house and my black XR3i's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, James. You'd better start saying your prayers as i'm going to beat the shit out of you."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, you COMPLETE DICKHEAD !!" and I hung up.
Then I called complete dickhead #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, complete dickhead!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your teeth so far down your throat, you'll have scratchmarks on your arsehole."
"Well, here's your chance dickhead, I'm coming over right now !" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 18 West Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 4 news about the gang war going on down West Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two complete dickheads kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 Police cars, a Police helicopter and the late evening news cameras was one of the greatest experiences of my life!