Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to
nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by
not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat
bastards.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each
new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it
in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth
will put you off smoking any of them.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each
new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it
in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth
will put you off smoking any of them.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by
phoning her up and telling her.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly.
This way at least you have a chance of spelling them
correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an
upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to
their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a
couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat
and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you
chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops,
remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car.
Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road
every time you have a minor accident.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by
smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of
whisky. The following morning you can create the effects
of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to
the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and
a dog turd into the bath.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching
all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool
in your own home by filling the bath with cold water,
adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before
jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply
get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every
bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it
before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by
aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably
wake up in a strange place the following morning, having
had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering
any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number
plates by simply changing your name to match your
existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.
Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus
arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind
your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping
occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's
house.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an
amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only
looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers,
Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH
directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is
reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel
Hempstead General Infirmary
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a
spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your
legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded,
makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you
book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small
bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson,
Canada
Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply
pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two
black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to
have sex with the missus.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new
kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your
forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in
your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm
too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat
by simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold
Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford
workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting
your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice
bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about
how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like
the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since
you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary
requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice
steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take
your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs,
call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay
mounted` for.
Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time
dips the buggers.
HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the
lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.