Types of boyfriends & girlfriends
Men
Joe Sensitive
"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus
"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy
"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot
"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones
"Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfil your dreams
The Sneak
"Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, God Damn Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts
"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer
"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right
"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
Women
Ms. Nice Guy
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller
"You God Damn spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair colour?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humourless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars
"I believe this interpretative dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
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