Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas.
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair (unless they're total schnauzers).
If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. She'd be dow at the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of 'Clairol Brunette # whatever'. Plus, women don't smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. Not to mention, I don't think Mrs. Claus is a lesbian. I also find it hard to believe that a female Santa could whip a reindeer's ass to get it moving. It's a widely-known fact that coochie-coochie talk doesn't work with reindeer.
A female Santa would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Puke'n Crap', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little boys in the world because those items aren't as threatening as the really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'Creepy Crawlers'. And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor. As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it.
And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy, consider this verse from the poem: T'was The Night Before Christmas:
"He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..."
If Santa was female, that line would have read:
"She wouldn't shut up, so Christmas was postponed indefinately..."
Yep, Santa's a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday characters (with the exception of the Easter Bunny, thanks to Hugh Heffner).