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Unconventional Christmas

Merry Christmas to all!!!!

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere.

Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress. And then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the
ground and scattered all the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey. But he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and
there was nothing there to drink. In his frustration he dropped the
coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
the straw from which it was made.

Just then the doorbell rang. Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said: "Santa, where would you like to put this
Christmas tree?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: Barbie's Dear Santa Letter

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY
PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this
Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me,
you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like
to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted
with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society,
I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you
can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

~~~~~~~~~~~~

----------------------------------------------------

The Twelve Bugs of Christmas

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

MEMO from SANTA

TO: All Employees

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole
no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home
shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's
market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of
the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of
service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received
unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak
that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance
abuse.

Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his
share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's
helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to
be
under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a
plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is
simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working
hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated
voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway
to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long
they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board
of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese a laying constitutes a luxury which can no
longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of
one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure
by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets
will be a good one;

The seven swans a swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids a milking concept has been
under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is
being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead end job with
no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to
try a mending, a mentoring, or a mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no
longer do the steps;

Ten Lords a leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords,
plus
the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out of work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
simple
case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet,
a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will
drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals,
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day,
service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers a suing"),
action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is the right number.

Questions should be directed to me.

(Signed) S. Claus