These are some of my favourite
What do smart blondes and aliens visiting earth have in common?
I haven't seen either of them but it is rumoured that they do exist.
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He told them:
"I need three important people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy the earth."
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them:
"I have two really bad new items for you:
1)God really exists and
2)Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them:
"I have good news and bad news:
1)The good news is that God really does exist
2)The bad news is that tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced:
"I have two fantastic announcements:
1)I am one of the three most important people on earth
2)The Year 2000 problem is solved."
PRISON vs. WORK
In prison you spend a majority of your time in an
8x10 foot cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 foot
cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you
have to pay for that
one
yourself.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more
work.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock and
open all the
doors
yourself.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors
for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing
games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can't even speak to your family and
friends on the phone
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no
work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work
and then they
deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through
bars from the
inside
wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your
time wanting to get
out
and go to bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can
leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out
of.
In prison there are sadistic wardens.
At work, we have bosses.
Some Tech Support Horror Stories
*A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. the tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows". The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point...the man in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his is working just fine."
*Tech:"How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer:"Well, my wife likes to get on the internet and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
*I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep a copy of it.
Three boys are in the school yard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow and start to run, and I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!". The second one says "Ha! You think that is fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He gets off of work at 4:30pm and makes it home by 3:45pm!".
Once there were two angel statues facing each other in the park, one of a woman and one of a man. One day God said , "You both have served me well and as a reward I will give you 30 minutes of life to do whatever you want." When the statues came to life they immediately ran to the bushes at the side of the park's walkway. After 15 minutes of rustling bushes they both immerged and one said to the other, "Now it's your turn to hold the bird down while I crap on it's head!" (this one compliments of Frank Hayden)
Things that bother me:
*When something says "new and improved"...which is it? If it is new , then there has never been anything before it. If it is an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before.
*People who are willing to get off their butt to search the room for the remote control because they refuse to walk to the TV to change the channel manually.
*People who ask, " Can I ask you a question?". Didn't give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
*The Norwich Life commercial where the old guy answers the phone, says hello, and immediately tells his wife, "It's Patrick. He bought life insurance." How did Patrick find the time to tell him this? He barely breathed hello and was right into "It's Patrick!". What about the big sheets of bristol board and marker by the phone? Ya think they play pictionary by the phone regularly?
*When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is! Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
Computer Viruses:
Tonya Harding Virus: turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.
Ollie North Virus: plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB then slowly expands to 300MB.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: terminates and stays resident. It'll be back...
O.J. Simpson Virus: it claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did.
Ronald Reagan Virus: saves your data but forgets where it is stored.
Ross Perot Virus: activates every component of your system just before the whole darn thing quits.
Politically Correct Virus: never calls itself a virus but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
Adam and Eve Virus: takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are all pigs!
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room but all 3 of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what had happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian , the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die and that for a donation of $50 we could return to earth. So , of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him $50 and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "but what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them, "replied the American, " the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: We recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Beer Study:
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
Five Reasons why a Computer is Female:
1.Nobody, except their creator, understands their inner workings.
2.Any mistake is instantly committed to memory.
3.Their basic language is totallly gibberish except to each other.
4.The message "incorrect filename" is about as helpful as "if you don't know what is wrong then I'm not going to tell you!".
5.As soon as you are committed to one you spend 1/2 your wages on accessories.
Five Reasons why a Computer is Male:
1.They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3.As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have got a better model.
4.In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5.Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
I like this one especially!
An Ontarian wanted to become a newfie. He went to a neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything that you could do to make me a newfie?". "Sure,"said the neurosurgeon."All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain and you will be a newfie!"The Ontarian was very pleased and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain he accidentally cut out 2/3 of his brain. He was terribly remorseful and waited impatiently by the patient's bed as he recovered from the anaesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him, "I'm terribly sorry but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied, "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?".
One day an Englishman, an American and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their drinks three flies landed, one in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink yelling, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!".
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Getting married is a lot like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want but when you see what the other guy got, you wish you had ordered that!
Americans:Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians:Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits:Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies:Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Aussies:Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans:Are flag-waving, anthem-singing and obsessively patriotic to the point o blindness.
Canadians:Can't agree on the words to their national anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits:Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Some people have no idea about computers! I used to be able to relate to this.
An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
"Computer Helpdesk. How can I help you?"
"Hi. I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was typing along and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"Yes, they disappeared."
"So what does the screen look like now?"
"There's nothing. It's blank and it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is on?"
"no."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it and not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"ok, here it is,"
"Follow it for me and tell me if it is plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Well , can you see if it is?"
"No, I can't see. It's too dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off and the only light I have is coming through the window."
"Well, turn the office light on then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there is a power outage."
"A power...power outage? Aha, we got it licked now! Do you still have the boxes, manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Ya, I do."
"Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you are too stupid to own a computer."
I love cats...the taste just like chicken.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. And then things get worse.
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There are 3 kinds of people...those who can count and those who can't.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
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