This is
an article printed in WOMAN'S DAY MAGAZINE 6/4/96
I
clipped it out and ran across it a while back.
Thought
I would share it with you all if you want to read it
Living for the
Moment
Life doesn't
come with guarantees,
and sometimes
you have to go out and grab it.
by Jo Coudert
I
have a story to tell you about a woman who takes for life seriously, worries
about the future, regrets the past and suffers guilt trips
over to many calories. She almost never does
anything on the spur of the moment, loses sleep over money and keeps putting
off enjoying life until she "has more time."
You don't want to hear my story? You suspect that the heroine doesn't
have a very interesting life? You're right. Why, then, are
so many of us living this kind of life? We are, after all, the heroines
of our own life story. Do we want it to be a tale of all work and
no play, all responsibility and no variety, all pits and no cherries?
It shouldn't
take a catastrophe. Last night I read an essay by a young man
who went blind following an operation. After I turned out the light,
I thought of all the similar articles I had read --by women with breast
cancer, by men who'd had heart attacks. All said essentially the
same thing: I wish I'd spent more time with my family. I wish
I'd traveled more, played more, spent more time savoring life rather than
just trying to get through it.
Perhaps it takes a catastrophe to make us aware of what matters in life.
If that's true, why not imagine that the catastrophe has already happened?
Ask yourself:
If I experienced a devastating accident or medical crisis, what would I
wish I'd done differently. Say no to duties that keep you on the
run. Say no to people who waste your time. Say no to sacrificing
the present for the sake of the future. Make time now for family,
for friends, for play, for pursuits that passionately interest you.
You might follow the example of an Australian family who traveled here
on a small legacy. "Everyone told us to put the money in a retirement
fund," the wife told me, "but I'm so glad we didn't. It's been
the greatest adventure. The children will remember the exciting times
we've had together all their lives."
Seize the moment.
One of the first things to say no to is conscientiousness that robs
the spontaneity
and spice. A reporter I know gets passes to movie previews.
You'd think she'd have no trouble finding someone to go with her.
Yet only yesterday the first friend she called had some work she
felt obliged to finish, the second had a prior date with three loads of
laundry. A month from now, will either of these women congratulate herself
or having been so conscientious? Or will she regret having missed
a great movie and a lovely time talking about it over coffee afterward?
When I realized how dutiful my life had become, I decided to use that as
my touchstone: A month from now, will I be glad I did my laundry
or saw the movie? If the answer is the movie, I drop everything and
go.
Try it. when your husband calls and says, "Meet me for a bite," forget
the reasons you shouldn't and answer. "Sure!" When your kids suggest
skipping supper in favor of hot dogs at the roller rink, say "You're on!"
A psychiatrist has written about "the tyranny of should" ---all the
things we tell ourselves we should or should jot do. We can break
that tyranny by reminding ourselves that duties don't vanish but opportunities
do --and it 's important to seize the moment.
"Live all you
can: it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you
do in particular, so long as you have had your life." When I came
across that comment in a novel, I thought of my Aunt Birdie. When
she was widowed, she went from a sizable house to a tiny apartment, but
that didn't stop her from living life to the hilt. When I went to
visit her, she'd meet me at the train with a picnic or tickets to a free
concert. As poor as we were, we even traveled to Florida one December,
staying in cheap motels and heating cans of food on a little portable stove.
And we laughed.
Birdie taught me that it doesn't take money to enjoy life. It takes
gusto. It takes acceptance of your circumstances. Birdie kept
playing the cards she was dealt. When she died there was no unlived
life left in her
Find charm in the present. Marie Curie once wrote this on
a Christmas card: "I send you my best wishes for a year in which
you will have pleasure in living every day without ...putting all hope
of pleasure in days to come."
I'd like to send that message to my friend Phyllis, who lives for her two-week
vacation every year, scarcely noticing the present as it flies by.
I'd send send another to Ruth, who says: "When we get a larger house.......when
the children are grown ......when John retires......." Ruthie lives
in the future, never realizing that the future doesn't exist until it becomes
the present. If life is ever going to be wonderful, it has to be
right now because now is the only time we're sure of. Then there's
Helen, who lives for the weekends, as though weekdays have no charms of
their own. Not only does she make no plans for Monday through Friday,
but she makes so many plans for the weekends that she often doesn't enjoy
them at all.
Life is a treasure, not a treasure hunt. An ex-boss of mine
thought about her hard-driving life working up the ladder of success and
decided it was uncomfortably close to affluent slavery. And
to the horror of family and friends, she quit her prestigious job.
She went to England to study china-mending and came back home to
open a small repair shop. "Best decision I ever made." she says firmly.
"Now I have time to spend where before I had only money to spend."
"You can't put off being young until you retire." I repeated
this observation of poet Phillip Larkin to Kim, a
young woman who told me she longed to be a photographer,
but had bowed to her mother's pressure to keep her steady bank job.
The next I heard, Kim was working on a Mississippi River steamboat and
was up before dawn every morning photographing the river and wildlife.
"And loving it." her mother admitted.
Sometimes I wonder if we've all become so preoccupied with security that
we've forgotten that the time to be young is when we are. But if
being young means taking a chance on something new, you can
be young at any age. Connie, for example, is studying to be a hospital
chaplain at age 67. "but how old will you be when you finish the
course?" people ask her. "The same age I'd be if I didn't take it."
she answers. But in truth, Connie will be younger --in spirit and
vigor and interests because she'll be with and useful to other people.
Life is what happens while you're making other plans. This
saying is quoted so often that it must me striking a chord. When
Nancy heard it ,it pulled her up short.
She was working
16-hour hays building her business. Deciding there must be something
better than that, Nancy signed up for riding lessons and a course in writing
poetry. As so often happens, those small changes set in motion a
series of large changes, including marriage, a move and a new career.
"Thank heavens" she says, "I stopped making plans and started making
a life."
You only live once....but don't forget to do that. My friend
Bertie bought a tumbledown farmhouse in the country. It cost $12,000
so you can imagine how much work it needed, most of which she planned to
do herself. Although she was soon knee-deep in demolished plaster,
Bertie went right on accepting weekend invitations to parties and concerts.
When I asked about her priorities. she said she had promised herself not
to put her life on hold until the house was finished.
Maybe that is a promise we all need to make: not to put our lives
on hold until we get everything perfect. It doesn't matter whether
getting it perfect with diet and exercise or your career perfect with promotions.
It doesn't matter whether it means getting your children grown or building
a retirement fund. Whatever it is, keep on living while you're getting
there.
Architect Frank Lloyd Wright once wrote to his daughter that "everyday
life is the important thing, not tomorrow or yesterday but today.
You won't reach anything better than the right now, if you take it as you
ought." Everyday life. Take it as you ought. With awareness.
With pleasure. With pleasure. With gusto. With attention
to this moment. You won't reach anything better.
6/4/96 WOMAN'S DAY
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