She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part;
but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her there; and when I
look into a mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she's
hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and
body. It's very disconcerting.

I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams back,
grimacing horribly. She's really rather frightening. If she's going to
hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no.>
Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on the kitchen
counter, or some loose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that
certainly isn't enough.

In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals
money from me regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars,
and a few days later, it's gone. I certainly don't go through it that
fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady pilfers it.

You'd think she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. God knows, she
needs it. And, the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems
to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff--ice cream,
cookies, candy--I just can't keep them in the house. She really has a
sweet tooth. She should watch it; she's really putting on the pounds. I
think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is
tampering with my scale so I'll think that I'm gaining weight, too.

For an old lady, she's really quite childish. She also gets into my
closets when I'm not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting
tighter every day.

Another thing: I wish she'd stop messing with my files and the papers on
my desk. I can't find a thing any more. This is particularly hard to
deal with because I'm extremely neat and organized ; but she manages to
jumble everything up so nothing is where it's supposed to be.

Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she
fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel
or shuts off completely. She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to
irritate me. She gets to my newspapers, magazines and mail before
me---and blurs all the print; and she's done something sinister with the
volume controls on my TV, radio, and phone. Now all I hear are mumbles
and whispers.

She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, all my
knobs and faucets hard to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to
climb into and out of. Furthermore, she gets to my groceries as soon as
I shelve them and applies super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle
so they're just about impossible to open. Is this any way to repay my
hospitality?

I don't even get any respite at night. More than once her snoring has
awakened me. I don't know why she can't do something about that. It's
very unattractive. As if all this isn't bad enough, she is no longer
confining her malevolence to the house. She's now found a way to sneak
into my car with me and follow me wherever I go. I see her
reflection in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out
of clothes shopping because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has
extended to dressing rooms. When I try something on, she dons an
identical outfit--which looks ridiculous on her and then stands directly
in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she
proved me wrong. She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have
some passport pictures taken, and she actually stepped in front of the
camera just as the shutter clicked. Disaster! I have never seen such a
terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No  customs official is ever
going to believe that crone scowling from my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put
her in a home. On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I
think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.

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