You've been telling everyone you have the perfect care giver for your child, and you honestly believed that until yesterday when your little one started dancing around doing an imitation of a MTV video (which you never have on while she is in the room). "Where did you see that?" you ask him. "Mrs. Funhouse lets us watch MTV while we exercise every day! It's fun." It sometimes if very frustrating when you have certain rules and your house and the caregiver has different rules at her house.

Parents and caregivers often have different ideas about what's appropriate for children. After all, parents have lots of different child rearing styles, so why shouldn't we expect caregivers to have them too? So when your standards differ, whether the problem is television, food, discipline or social attitudes, unless they are really drastically different and cause a real problem, you can probably work things out.

Lets talk about a plan to help you choose your battles, keep small conflicts from turning into big ones and build an effective partnership with your caregiver.

*Expect to have differences, and try to deal with them. In our multicultural society, we need to assume that the people we deal with daily are going to have all sorts of ideas and opinions that vary from our own. Children can adapt easily to these differences. They understand that they can do things one way with mom and dad and another way at the caregivers house or at the daycare center. This is good for the children to learn to deal with change. It teaches them new coping skills, and helps them to develop flexibility and social skills.
If you already have a conflict, ask yourself, "What's bothering me about this?" Our child-rearing values and beliefs are about what is good for children. When you're upset, try to understand your reactions to a particular issue, then take some time for a private exercise in values clarification and ask yourself, "What's important to me? What are the characteristics I think about when I picture my child all grown up?" By focusing on your hopes and dreams for your child, rather than on your feelings toward the caregiver, you can communicate your wishes effectively. If your child is watching adult television, you need to discuss the issue with your caregiver.
You could explain that those programs seem to be on your child's mind too much, and that at her age she should not be watching shows that expose her to images she is not ready to handle. You are happy that the caregiver has a time for exercise and dancing with the children, but perhaps a children music video would be better and you would be happy to share your videos from home that are simply wonderful. Pull one out of your bag and ask her to try it and see if the children like it. Perhaps the caregiver wasn't really paying attention to the images on the screen and was just concerned about the rhythm and sound of the music. If you present the issue without "accusing" or challenging her values, she might see your point.

*Be willing to listen. When you have several problems you want to discuss with your caregiver, don't present her with a list of complaints and make her feel that she is totally inept and that she has to defend herself right from the beginning. Instead, open the discussion in a spirit of information-gathering and focus on sharing your concerns about your child. Accusations and complaints only bring resentment and hurt feelings. They solve nothing and drive a wedge between you and your caregiver that may be hard to remove later. Even when you are upset about something, ask her about it and then listen carefully to her explanation. Don't let your disapproval get in the way of hearing her. Because your caregiver sees your child in a different setting than you do at home, she is going to see things you don't see at home. She is also going to have some helpful insights about his needs and behavior.

*Try not to discuss issues about your child in their presence. Call the caregiver later in the day when both of you have had time to relax and can discuss an issue clearly and without pressure. Perhaps you can find time to set a meeting with her at a time when both of you aren't tired, so that you can discuss things. The end of the workday is not always the best time to discuss a problem. You are both tired and the children are keyed up and ready to go home. She actually wants them to go home. Don't hang around afterwards for along time. She is anxious for her day to end, just as you are when you leave your job.

*You might also consider inviting your caregiver out to lunch. Can you imagine what her life must be like, always eating with children or eating in a rush, cleaning up inevitable spills. She will be able to appreciate you more when she sees that you appreciate her and her needs. This builds a bond of trust between you and gives you both time to discuss the little one in a friendly atmosphere.

Of course, sometimes even with the best efforts you realize that a particular caregiver doesn't meet your needs, and then it's wise to know when to quit and seek another. A family day care provider or teacher can't please everybody. It is impossible. So trust your instincts. If you think your child is miserable in daycare, or if the provider appears harsh, inconsistent or out of sync with values you consider basic, it is time to find a more appropriate setting.

Just because your values conflict with your present caregiver, don't make her feel that she must be wrong, while your way is right. Instead, tell her that, while you understand that she does things differently than you, you feel that another setting would be better for you since you don't wish to tell her what to do and don't want any conflict.

Don't create a hostile atmosphere as you leave. Differences are normal. Tell her you appreciate her efforts to try to accommodate your values, but you think rather than try to change her way of doing things, you would rather go somewhere that is similar in values. Wish her well. Give her two weeks notice while you look for a new caregiver. Don't turn it into a situation where you might find yourself ducking when you see her coming, so you won't have to face her because you left on a sour note. Try and leave with some dignity, and leave her some dignity.

Finally, remember that even in the most successful partnerships, conflicts are bound to arise. By learning to deal with your differences, you and your caregiver will become more aware of your values and grow more accepting of each other's point of view. It's an educational process, we learn from each other. In our diverse culture, what could be more important?