The following poems and funnys were found in the net through email and other areas. Hope you like them as much as I did.
The government recently calculated the cost of raising child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock. That doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the things we could have bought, all the places we could have traveled, all the money we could have banked if not for (insert child's name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day. Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be rich. It's just the opposite.
There's no way to put a price tag on:
* Feeling a new life move for the first time and seeing the bump of a knee rippling across your skin.
* Having someone cry, "It's a boy!" or shout, "It's a girl!" then hearing the baby wail and knowing all that matters is it's healthy.
* Counting all 10 fingers and toes for the first time.
* Feeling the warmth of fat cheeks against your breast.
* Cupping an entire head in the palm of your hand.
* Making out da da or ma ma from all the cooing and gurgling.
What do you get for your $160,140?
* Naming rights. First, middle and last.
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, You never have to grow up. You get to fingerprint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep reading the adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there's no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof. Taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a sliver, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, first time behind the wheel. You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications and human sexuality no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. Author Unknown
Author Unknown
I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal and eggs and toast. When other kids had cokes and french fries for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. But at least I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My 5 sisters and one brother had the same mother I did.
My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd have thought we were on a chain gang! She had to know who our friends were and what we were doing. If we said we'd be gone for an hour, she insisted that it not be an hour and five minutes. I am really ashamed to admit it, but she even slapped us, not once, but each time we did as we pleased. Can you imagine -- striking a child just because we disobeyed?
The worst is yet to come ... We had to be in bed by nine each night and up early the next morning. We couldn't sleep until noon like our friends -- in fact, our mother broke the child labor law by making us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, learn to cook, and all sorts of exhausting jobs. I believe she laid awake nights thinking up mean things to do to us seven kids. Also, she always insisted upon our telling the truth, even if it killed us -- and sometimes it nearly did.
By the time we were teen-agers, our lives became more unbearable. There was none of this tooting the horn of the car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and our friends come to the door to get us. I forgot to mention that while our friends were dating at twelve and thirteen, my old-fashioned mother refused to let us date until we were sixteen ... that is, if we dated only to go to school functions and to church services.
As you can see, my mother wa a complete failure. None of us has ever been arrested, or beaten by our mates. My brother served his time in the service of his country. Look at all the things we missed! We never go to march in a protest parade, nor take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million and one other things that our friends did. And whom have we to blame? That's right == our mean mother. She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults.
It is with this background that I have now become a mother. When my children call me mean, I stand a little taller and I'm filled with pride. You see, I can thank God for the Meanest Mother in the whole world, and I want to be just like her.
If you've left the crayons to melt in the car,
And forgotten just where the car keys are,
There's a perfectly good way to explain:
You see, you've come down with "Mommy Brain."
When you're not sure where the past 8 hours went,
Or whether the phone bill check's been sent,
If you've left the laundry drying in the rain,
It's just---you guessed it---Mommy Brain.
If you find yourself chatting for hours on end
About diaper prices with your cyberfriends,
You've just caught a particularly virulent strain
Of that affliction known as Mommy Brain.
If you left your bags at the grocery store
Or completely forgot what you went there for,
If you called the cat by your baby's name,
You can bet that Mommy Brain's to blame.
And if you know the words to "Goodnight Moon" by heart,
Or you study your sleeping babe like a work of art,
If you're always surprised by how time is flying,
And the thought of that first birthday starts you crying.....
It's unavoidable girls, and I feel your pain,
For I, too, suffer from Mommy Brain.
But I'll admit one thing---of this I'm sure:
I hope they never find a cure.
Although you're not their mother, You care for them each day. You cuddle, sing, and read to them, And watch them as they play. You see each new accomplishment,You help them grow and learn, You understand their language,And you listen with concern. They come to you for comfort,And you kiss away their tears. They proudly show their work yo you You give the loudest cheers! No, you are not their mothers,But your role is just as strong. You nurture them and keep them safe, Though maybe not for long- You know someday the time may come, When you will have to part, But you know each child you cared for Is forever in your heart!!!!!!!!!! Author Unknown
*When you thought I wasn't looking you hung my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another.
*When you thought I wasn't looking you fed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.
*When you thought I wasn't looking you baked a birthday cake just for me, and I knew that little things were special things.
*When you thought I wasn't looking you said a prayer, and I believed there was a God that I could always talk to.
*When you thought I wasn't looking you kissed me good-night, and I felt loved.
*When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt--but that it's all right to cry.
*When you thought I wasn't looking you smiled, and it made me want to look that pretty, too.
*When you thought I wasn't looking you cared, and I wanted to be everything I could be.
*When you thought I wasn't looking--I looked . . . and wanted to say thanks for all those things you did when you thought I wasn't looking.
By Mary Rita Schilke Korzan From the book... "Stories for the Heart" Compiled by Alice Gray Multnomah Books
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare of paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and criticize them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lb. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3 am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with = crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball and an empty box of Cocoa Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back of seats. Splash an 8oz cup of apple juice across the back seat, let dry. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing, "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
Author Unknown
1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they 're equal.
2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.
3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
5. You child throws up and you catch it.
6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.
7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.
8. You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.
9. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor’s office, and you do it.
10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.
11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
12. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
13. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
14. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.
15. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.
16. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.
17. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.
18. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."
19. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
20. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."
21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
Author Unknown
Barb's Little Dumplin's
