A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards.
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square" do your stuff!" T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a square, circle and triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But, the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He then divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive. The three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a crap on the paper, had sex with the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They ALL agreed, that dog was bloody brilliant!!!
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says,
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second man says, "What are you a nut? There's no way that could happen."
The first man responds, "No it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second guy tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."
The first guy says, "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The second man thinks, "Well why not? It works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat!'
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real mean drunk."
A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair black and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes.
She drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, will you give me a sheep?" He said "Sure!" She counted and said "131." The farmer said, "That's Right! Go ahead and get a sheep." The blonde went and got her sheep.
Then, the farmer said, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?" and she said, "Yes."
"Blonde. Now give me back my dog."
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was still no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you mustn't anger him...!", but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a dick he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't screw with him!"
One night, a father overhears his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, Grandma and good-bye Grampa." The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it and the next day, the Grandfather dies.
About a month or so later, the father again overhears his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day, the Grandmother dies and the father begins to really worry about the situation.
The father hears his son praying two weeks later, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gives the father a heart attack. The next morning he gets up early and goes to work without saying anything. He stays in his office all day and finally after midnight, amazed that he's still alive, he goes home.
He crawls into bed with his wife and apologizes. "I'm sorry honey, I've had a really bad day."
"YOU'VE had a bad day!!!" his wife says. "The mailman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his crotch.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
And God created woman and she had 3 breasts.
He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have
changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast
in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
Two Brunettes and a blonde are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. She picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out. The genie looks at the three gals and says, "I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish." Well the first brunette is tired of being on the island, so she wishes to go back home. POOF!! She disappears. The second brunette said she too is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF!! She too disappears. The genie then turns to the blonde and asks her what her wish is. "Gee," she says, "I'm awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here..."
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so." Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York..."
Two guys and a gal are applying for the position of hitman with the mafia. The first guy is called into the back room for an interview with the godfather.
The godfather says "I am impressed with your resume, but I have my own little test of your abilities. In the next room we have your wife here is a gun. Go in the next room and kill her."
The guy takes the gun goes into the other room and in a short while comes back crying, "I'm so sorry Godfather I failed. I can not kill my wife!"
"That is alright my son," says the Godfather, "but I'm afraid you are not what we are looking for."
The next guy comes in and again the Godfather gives him a gun and tells him to go into the next room and kill his wife. The guy is gone a while and when he finally comes back his head is hanging and he says, "Godfather, I tried hard but I couldn't bring myself to kill my wife."
"My son," says the Godfather, "I can see you tried, perhaps we will call you"
Finally the gal comes in. The Godfather says "My dear we have never had a woman hitman before but this is a new age and we are willing to give you a chance. Here is a gun go into the next room and kill your husband."
She goes into the next room and immediately six shots ring out. Then there is a terrible commotion and a blood curdling scream. She comes back into the room and says to the Godfather. "I have done what you asked Godfather but some SOB put blanks in the gun. Damn I had to beat him to death with the chair he was sitting on!!!"
A husband and wife are out working on the deck when the husband begins to complain about the weight she's been putting on.
"Your ass is getting as big as the gas grill," says the husband.
"Oh, get on," she replies. "It isn't that big."
"Yes, it is and I'll prove it! So he takes out his tape measure. Measures the grill then measures her ass and sure enough they are the same size.
Later that night when they are in bed the husband starts to feel alittle frisky but his wife is still miffed about his remarks so she sits up in bed looks him straight in the eye and says "If you think I'm firing up this grill for that one LITTLE weiner you better think again!!!!"
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes,
wanting to get a little practice in before his final exams.
He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He pulls back the sheet covering the body, and to his surprise finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing: "Don't break my heart, my achy, breaky heart.." The amazed student replaces the cork and the music stops!
Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," says the student to the examiner, as he pulls the cork back out again.
Again the music plays, "Don't break my heart,my achy, breaky heart..." So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever heard?", asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, " ANY asshole can
sing country music."
A blonde is driving in the winter and the weather starts to get bad with blowing snow and drifts on the road but she remembers that her dad had told her that if the roads are bad in winter you should follow the snow plow. She sees a snow plow so that's what she does. She follows him and follows him and follows him. Finally the driver of the snow plow pulls over, walks back to the blonde and says, "M'am can I ask what you are doing?" "Well," she says, "My dad told me if the weather is bad I should just follow the snow plow." "Oh," says the driver. "That's fine and dandy but I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now but if you want you can follow me to Target."
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?", "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened, to which the man replies: "She choked."
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
A sweet little boy got a bright red shiny bicycle for Christmas and was out riding it when he saw a mounted policeman.
He rode up next to the policeman's horse and stopped.
The policeman looked down and said." That's a nice bike son did Santa bring that for you?"
"Yup, he sure did!", said the boy.
"Well," say's the cop. "Next time tell Santa to put some reflectors on that bike." "I'm gonna have to write you a $20 ticket."
The boy takes the ticket, looks up at the cop and says, "Hey, did Santa bring you that horse?"
The cop decides to play along and says, "Why, he sure did son!"
"Well, then next time," say's the boy, "You should tell Santa to put the dick under the horse and not on top!"
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag
of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into
the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank
president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The
president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so
he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win
that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take
my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a
witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,
again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that
there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win
the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer
to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's
balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to
drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little
old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess
you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer
was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked
the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today,
I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Ole was killed in a terrible fire and the local coroner needed Sven and Lars to come down to the morgue to identify the body. Sven first looked at the body and shook his head. "I yust don't know. Flip him over so I can have another look." The coroner thinks this is strange but he flips him over. "Nope," says Sven, "Dat ain't Ole."
The coroner flips him back over then asks Lars to come in and identify the body. "Oh," says Lars, "you'll have to flip him over." He takes a look and says "Nope dat ain't Ole."
The coroner says "Hey wait a minute guys what's with this flippin' the corpse over business?"
"Vell," says Lars, "Everytime we vent somewhere together people would point at us an say dere goes Ole and his two assholes!"
One night a very wealthy couple are at friends house party. The husband is having fun and isn't ready to go home yet so the wife decideds to leave early and let him stay there. When she gets home she finds the butler lying on the couch in the den.
It was a Friday night and Superman was ready for a night on the town. But he didn't want to go out alone so he flew over to the home of his good friend, Spiderman.
"Hey, Spiderman!", says Superman. "Its Friday night! Hows about you and me gettin' out on the town?!!"
"No can do Superman.", says Spiderman. "My webspinner is down and I've got to get it fixed. There could be alot of crime to fight this weekend. No I better just stay home."
"Darn!" says Superman. "Well I see your point. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do."
So Superman flies off and as he circles the city he remembers his good buddy Batman.
"Hey Batman, old buddy!", says Superman. Hows about hittin' the town with me tonight? After all it is Friday."
"Oh Superman, if only I could!", says Batman. "The Batmobile is on the fritz and I've got to stay in the Batcave and fix it.
"Darn", says Superman. "Well I guess I understand. Maybe some other time."
So Superman flies off and as he circles the city he looks down and sees Wonder Woman lying on the grass with no clothes on. He thinks to himself "You know I am faster than a speeding bullet. I could fly down there, have my way with Wonder Woman, be off and she'd never be the wiser."
So that's what he does. And as he flies away Wonder Woman sits up, smiles and sighs "What was that?"
"I don't know," says the Invisible Man, "but my asshole sure hurts!"
Lena was in bed with her lover, Sven, when she heard her husband, Ole, opening the front door. "Hurry!" Lena said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over Sven and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" Ole asked as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue." Lena replied, nonchalantly. "The Jensons bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the "statue".
Later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the Ole got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the "statue". "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Jensons' for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water!"
A woman was shopping in an antique store when she saw a very interesting old mirror.
The owner of the shop proceeds to tell her that it's a magic mirror. The woman thinks "Yeah, sure it is." But she decides to take the mirror anyway. When she gets home she hangs it on her bathroom door and for the hell of it laughs and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door make my breasts 44."
POOF! They're a size 44!
When her husband gets home he's amazed! "How did you get those massive mamaries?", he asked. "It was my new magic mirror," she replied. "Why don't you try it!"
"O.K.," he says. "Mirror, mirror on the door make my dick hit the floor.
Then his legs fell off.
A waiter brings a man his soup. The man notices that the waiter has his thumb in it but decides to say nothing. Then the waiter brings him his steak and notices that again the waiter has his thumb under it. "Excuse me", he says, "could you please be careful not to put your thumb in my food." "Certainly sir, my apologies," says the waiter. After the main course the waiter brings the man a piece of hot apple pie. The waiter has his thumb in it. This pisses the man off severly but he eats the pie and says nothing. After the man payed the check he asked to see the manager. He complains and the manager asks the waiter to come in and explain himself. "Well," says the waiter, "I hurt my thumb a few days ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm." The man is practically boiling by this point. "WHY DON'T YOU STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!!" screams the man. Well, I do when I'm in the kitchen."
Blonde goes in to get her hair cut. She is wearing headphones. She tells the barber give me a cut but don't remove my headphones. Hmmmm he thinks, this is going to be impossible. As he is starting to trim her hair, she falls asleep. The barber tries to take off her headphones. She wakes and yells at him "I told you don't take of my headphones, my life depends on it!!". Ok, so he starts to try and cut her hair again. She falls asleep again, this time into a deep sleep where she starts to snore. The barber takes off the headphones and wouldn't you know it, she stops breathing and dies! As the police are taking her away and the barber is explaining what happened, an officer listens to what was on the headphones..... "Breathe in and out, breathe in and out........."
A blonde is in front of a pop machine. She put in 50 cents and pushes the Coke button, out comes a Coke. She smiles. She puts in another 50 cents and pushes the Diet Coke button, out comes a Diet Coke. She smiles. She puts in another 50 cents, and as she is pushing the Sprite button a guy behind her says "Hey lady are you going to be all day?". You bet I am if I keep winning at this slot machine!
Three guys go to a strip joint. A doctor, a lawyer and a banker. The doctor, to show off, licks a twenty dollar bill and sticks it on the stripper's ass.
The lawyer, not to be out done, licks a 50 and sticks it on her ass.
The banker reaches into his wallet, takes out his ATM card, swipes it through her ass crack and takes both the 20 and the 50.
There was a blonde who was getting really tired of all the blonde jokes and she decided she was going to prove to people that she wasn't stupid. So she decided she would memorize all the state capitals. So she worked and practiced till she had them all down pat.
At the next party she went to, when the guys started giving her a bad time about being a dumb blonde she was ready for them.
"Now wait a minute," she said, "I'm not dumb and I can prove it!" "I know all the state capitols, just ask me!"
So one guy asks, "What's the capital of Wyoming?"
She closes her eyes, thinks really hard and says "Um, ahh, W!"
There was a gal who was feeling a little low about her 50th birthday. But when she went in for her yearly physical her doctor paid her a compliment. He said "Lady, I've got to tell you. You may be 50 but you have the breasts of a 25 year old."
Well this really tickled her and she rushed home to tell her husband. Now her husband was a bit of a schmuck. When she told him what the doctor said he just smirked and said, "Oh yeah?" "Well did he mention your 50 year old ass?" His wife smiled sweetly and said "No dear, your name never came up!"
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice to be blown.
There was a young girl called Lewinsky.
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
she confided, when trapped
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky". *
* Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehourse, not to be confused with the ballet dancer.
Because not one of them will stop to ask for directions!
Take your foot off his head!
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful....
"Wrong!", replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange gifts, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter."
The third blonde smiles confidently and says, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his diciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight!
The third blonde continues, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more seeks of winter!!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. he proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's
President Bush, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton were on the Titanic. When the ship hit the iceberg Bush, being the kind man he is, yelled, "quick get the women and children to the life boats!" Gingrich yelled, "screw the women and children!" Clinton looked at his watch and said, "gee, ya think we got enough time for that?"
Once there was a women who got married for the fourth time. On her wedding night she said to her husband, "count yourself lucky, dear, tonight your getting a virgin!" "What", he said. "How can that be? You were married three times before!" "Well", she sighed. "The first time I was married I was married to a psychologist and all he wanted to do was talk about it." "The second time I was married I married to a gynecolgist and all he wanted to do was look at it." "The third time I was married I married a stamp collector." "DAMN I MISS THAT MAN!!!"
Ole and Lena were at the breakfast table when Lena sighed to Ole, "Ole I miss da old days ven we vere first married and we vere so crazy for each other we'd come down to da breakfast table in da nude." Ole said," Vell, Lena, if ya miss dos days there's no reason we can't do dat, if dats what ya would like" So the next morning sure enough Ole and Lena meet at the breakfast table in the nude. Lena looks at Ole and sighs, "Oh Ole my nipples still get hot for ya!" "Vell Lena , dey should. One is hanging in the oatmeal and the other is in your coffee!"
On the center line of a highway a brunette is hopping back and forth over the center line. As she hops she's chanting "49, 49, 49". A blonde comes along sees the brunette and says "Hey that looks like fun can I try it?" The brunette steps off the highway and says "Sure have at it!" The blonde starts hopping over the center line and chants "49,49,49" Just then a semi-truck comes along and flattens the blonde! The brunette steps back on the center line raises her hands in the air and yells, "50,50,50!!!!!"
© 1997 mfetch2@bis.midco.net
DO NOT ADD MY ADDRESS TO ANY SPAM LISTS. I HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT EVER RESPOND. YOU WILL BE WASTING YOUR TIME AND MINE!
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