HELLRAISER: BLOODLINE (1996)

Starring: Bruce Ramsey, Valentina Vargas, Doug Bradley, Charlotte Chatton, Adam Scott, Kim Myers. Written by Peter Atkins. Directed by Kevin Yagher (credited as Alan Smithee) & Joe Chappelle (uncredited). USA. 89 minutes.

Perhaps the less I say about this cinematic bowel movement the better. Let me put it this way - I paid $1.25 for the video rental and STILL felt ripped off. Cheated worse than when I bought a "Shrunken Head" kit as a kid and found out all the box contained was a paring knife, a light bulb and an instruction manual on apple carving. More ripped off than when my "Sea Monkeys" arrived in the mail. Yeah, THAT bad.

Special make-up effects artist Kevin Yagher wisely chose to remove his name from this mess after-the-fact (hiding behind the eponymous "Allan Smithee" psuedonym that's been in use for decades when directors know that they have a potentially career ending turkey on their hands). Behind the scenes disasters (such as a reported union workers strike, actor's allergic reactions to make-up, and a rapidly dwindling budget) contributed to the decline of a production that seemed jinxed from the start. Despite a thrilling and ambitious plot, this ill-fated installment in the series crashes and burns before it can even leave the runway.

Bruce Ramsey plays three roles - the Colonial French inventor who created the dreaded Lament Configuration (the box which unleashes the dark powers of the Cenobites) and his modern and futuristic descendants, men determined on destroying the evil manufactured by their unwitting ancestor by creating a "cure" for it - the Elizium Configuration. After a promising start in 21st century outer space and a flashback to 18th century France, the film rapidly deteriorates into a combination rip-off of Friday the 13th and Aliens, with futuristic soldiers wandering about a gloomy spaceship to inevitably be eviscerated by Pinhead and his new roster of nasties. barker's old college buddy Atkins is normally a much better writer than this, but it's clear from Pinhead's uninspired dialog that his heart simply wasn't up to the task this time. Even (especially?) hardcore fans of the series will find their attention rapidly waning.

About the only thing to recommend about Bloodline are the performances Ramsey (who puts forth quite a valiant effort juggling three roles) and the deliciously demonic Valentina Vargas (as the female Cenobite Angelique).  The Disney owned Miramax/Dimension appears to be shaping itself into a kind of 90's version of the Hammer Studios of the 50's and 60's, what with their Hellraiser, Candyman, The Prophecy, and The Crow franchises, but they'll be eating their seed corn if they keep turning out tripe like this. Inevitably, Barker and Dimension will be making a fifth trip to the well that was dug back in 1987, but it's becoming painfully obvious that this teat has run dry.

* 1/2 One and a half Skulls Full of Maggots

* Dead meat, ripe n' reeking.
** Moribund, but showing a slight flicker of life.
*** Good and healthy.
**** Brimming with vitality.