Sounds

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-intro.wav - "Of course I've seen her films and always thought she was, well, fabulous. But you know, a million, million miles from the world that I live in. Which is here, Notting Hill. My favourite bit of London."-William

-bluedoor.wav - (voice over)"And so this is where I spend my days and years, in this small village in the middle of the city. In a house with a blue door that my wife and I bought together... before she left me for a man who looked exactly like Harrison Ford. And where I now lead a strange half life, with a lodger called..."-William
"Spike!"-William

-trousers.wav - "Excuse me."-William
"Yes?"-Thief
"Bad news."-William
"What?"-Thief
"We've got a security camera in this bit of the shop."-William
"So?"-Thief
"So I saw you put that book down your trousers."-William
"What book?"-Thief
"The one down your trousers."-William
"I don't have a book down my trousers."-Thief
"Right. I'll tell you what. I'll call the police and what can I say? If I'm wrong about the whole book-down-the-trousers scenario I really apologize."-William
"Okay. What if I did have a book down my trousers?"-Thief
"Well, ideally, when I went back to the desk, you'd remove the Cadogan Guide to Bali from your trousers and either wipe it and put it back or buy it. I'll see you in a sec."-William

-autograph.wav - "Excuse me. Can I have your autograph?"-Thief
"Sure. What's your name?"-Anna
"Rufus."-Thief
Anna signs his piece of paper, gives it to him.
"What's it say?"-Thief
"That's my signature, and above it, it says: 'Dear Rufus, you belong in jail.'"-Anna
"Good one. Do you want my phone number?"-Thief
"Tempting... but, no."-Anna

-prostitute.wav - "I'm confident that in five minutes we can have you spick and span and back on the street again. In the non prostitute sense, obviously."-William

-orangejuice.wav - "Would you like a cup of tea before you go?"-William
"No."-Anna
"Coffee?"-William
"No."-Anna
"Orange juice? Probably not."-William

-surreal.wav - "It was nice to meet you. Surreal... but nice."-William

-lowpoint.wav - "Sorry about the 'surreal but nice' comment. Disaster."-William
"That's okay. I thought the apricot and honey thing was the real low point."-Anna

-raisins.wav - "My flatmate. I'm sorry. There's no excuse for him."-William
Spike enters, walks right past Anna, not even noticing her presence.
"Hi..."-Anna
"I'm just going to go into the kitchen to get some food. Then I'm going to tell you a story that'll make your balls shrink to the size of raisins."-Spike

-believeit.wav - "Probably best not to tell anyone about this."-Anna
"Right. Right. No one. I mean, I'll tell myself sometimes... but don't worry. I won't believe it."-William

-yogurt.wav - "There's something wrong with this yogurt."-Spike
"It's not yogurt. It's mayonnaise."-William
"Oh right."-Spike

-travelbooks.wav - "Do you have any books by Dickens?"-Mr. Smith
"No, I'm afraid we're a travel book shop. We only sell travel books."-William
"Oh, right. What about the new John Grisham thriller?"-Mr. Smith
"Well, no, because that's a novel too, isn't it?"-William
"Oh, right. (pause) Have you got Winnie the Pooh?"-Mr. Smith
"(pause) Martin! Your customer."-William

-spacey.wav - "Incidentally... why are you wearing that?"-William
"Combination of factors, really. No clean clothes..."-Spike
"There never will be, you know, until you actually clean your clothes."-William
"Right. Vicious circle. And I was rooting around in your things and I found this and thought...cool. Kinda spacey."-Spike

-stabtodeath.wav - "I promise you I've never played anything 'cool' in my entire life. My flatmate - who I'll stab to death later - never gave me the message."-William

-agree.wav - "What did you think of the film?"-Karen
"Yeah, I thought it was fantastic. I thought it was... 'Close Encounters' meets 'Jean De Florette'."-Tarquin
They both look at Will.
"(pause) I agree."-William

-horsehound.wav - "I'm sorry, I didn't get down what magazines you're from."-Karen
"'Time Out'."-Tarquin
"Great. And you're from...?"-Karen
"(pause) 'Horse & Hound'"-William

-peasized.wav - "Sorry about not ringing back. The whole two names concept was totally too much for my flatmate's pea sized intellect."-William

-setinspace.wav - "The film's great and I just was wondering whether you've ever thought of having more... horses in it?"-William
"Well, we would've liked to, but it was difficult, obviously... being set in space."-Anna
"Space, right... yeah. Obviously. Very difficult."-William

-submarine.wav - "Any horses in that one? Or hounds for that matter? Our readers are equally intrigued by both species."-William
"It takes place on a submarine."-Anna
"Oh. Well bad luck. But, umm... if there were horses in it, would you be riding them or would you be getting a stunt horse double man thing?"-William

-nearly.wav - "What happens next in the dream?"-Anna
"I suppose in the dream scenario I'd just change my personality because you can do that in dreams and walk over and... kiss... the girl. But, uh..."-William
They move closer. Jeremy enters.
"Time's up, I'm afraid. Did you get what you wanted?"-Jeremy
"Umm... nearly."-William

-blackbeauty.wav - "It was nice to meet you."-Anna
"Yes, and you."-William
"Surreal. But nice."-Anna
"Thank you. You are Horse & Hound's favourite actress. You and Black Beauty. Tied."-William

-bitch.wav - "Excellent. Wait a minute - she took your grandmother's flowers?"-Tarquin
"(pause) Ah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Bitch."-William

-robot.wav - "Did you identify with the character you were playing?"-William
"Te identificaste con ei personaje que interpretabas?"-Interpreter
"No."-Foreign actor
"No."-Interpreter
"Oh. Why not?"-William
"Por que no?"-Interpreter
"Porque es un robot carnivoro psicopata."-Foreign actor
"Because he is playing a psychopathic flesh-eating robot."-Interpreter
"Classic."-William

-leonardo.wav - "So... is this your first film?"-William
"No. It's my 22nd."-Girl
"Of course it is. Any favourites among the 22?"-William
"Working with Leonardo."-Girl
"Da Vinci?"-William
"DiCaprio."-Girl
"Of course. (laughs) And is he your favourite Italian director?"-William

-journalist.wav - "Um, yeah. So the thing I was doing tonight... I'm not doing anymore. I told them I had to spend the evening with Britain's premiere equestrian journalist."-Anna

-bestfriends.wav - "Hi guys... (sees Anna) Oh holy fuck!"-Honey
"Hun, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey. She's my baby sister."-William
"Hi."-Anna
"Oh god this is one of those key moments in life, when it's possible you can be really, genuinely cool… and I know I'm going to fail just a hundred percent! I absolutely, and totally and utterly adore you and I just think you're the most beautiful woman in the world and more importantly, I genuinely believe and have believed for some time now that we can be best friends! What do you think?"-Honey
"Uhhh... lucky me."-Anna

-marrywill.wav - "Marry Will, he's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters!"-Honey
"I'll think about it."-Anna

-hat.wav - "Honey! Happy birthday to you! Hi, Bella."-Bernie
"Hi..."-Bella
"(to Honey, gives his gift) It's a hat. You don't have to wear it or anything. Hi, Will."-Bernie

-masturbate.wav - "You haven't slept with her, have you?"- Max
"That is a cheap question, and the answer is of course, no comment."-William
"No comment means yes."-Max
"No, it doesn't."-William
"Do you ever masturbate?"-Max
"Definitely no comment."-William
"You see? It means yes."-Max

-fifteenmillion.wav - "What kind of acting do you do?"-Bernie
"Films, mainly."-Anna
"Oh, splendid! Well done! How's the pay in movies? I mean, last film you did… what did you get paid?"-Bernie
"Fifteen million dollars."-Anna
"Right. So that's... fairly good."-Bernie

-loo.wav - "I don't believe it, I don't believe it. I actually walked into the loo with her. I was still chatting when she started unbuttoning her jeans. She had to ask me to leave."-Honey

-brownie.wav - "...Firmly establishes what I've long suspected. That we really are the desperate lot of underachievers."-Max
"Shame!"-Bernie
"I'm not saying it's a bad thing. In fact, I think it's something we should take pride in. I'm going to give the last brownie as a prize... to the saddest act here."-Max

-needsme.wav - "On the other hand, her best friend is Anna Scott."-Bella
"Well, that's true. I can't deny it. She needs me, what can I say?"-Honey

-willbrownie.wav - "Well, I don't know. Look at William. Very unsuccessful professionally. Divorced. Used to be handsome, now kind of squidgy around the edges. And absolutely certain never to hear from Anna again once she's heard that his nickname in school was...."-Max
"No. No..."-William
"Floppy!"-Bernie
"You did. I can't believe you did that. Thanks very much. Thank you. Well at least I get the last brownie, right?"-William

-annabrownie.wav - "I've been on a diet every day since I was 19, which basically means I've been hungry for a decade. (everyone laughs) I've had a series of not nice boyfriends... one of who hit me. And every time I get my heart broken the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment. And it's taken 2... rather painful operations to get me looking like this."-Anna
"Really?"-Honey
"Uh huh. (points to her chin, then nose. Everyone laughs) ...And one day, not long from now, my looks will go. They will discover I can't act, and I will become some sad middle aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while."-Anna
Long pause.
"No. Nice try, gorgeous, but you're not fooling anyone."-Max
Everyone bursts out laughing.
"Pathetic effort to hog the brownie."-Will

-leave.wav - Everyone screams and yells as they shut the door.
"Sorry, they always do that when I leave the house."-William

-iwas.wav - "Busy tomorrow?"-Anna
"I thought you were leaving tomorrow."-William
"I was."-Anna

-whoops.wav - "Whoopsidaisies!"-William
"(laughing) What did you say?"-Anna
"Nothing."-William
"Yes, you did."-Anna
"No, I didn't."-William
"You said 'whoopsidaisies'."-Anna
"No one says whoopsidaisies, do they? Unless they're--"-William
"There is no 'unless'. Because no one has said 'whoopsidaisies' for what? Fifty years? And even then it was just little girls with blonde ringlets."-Anna
"Exactly. Right. Here we go again. (he climbs, but falls) Whoopsidaisies!"-William
Anna laughs.
"Yeah, well it's a disease. It's a clinical thing. I'm taking pills and having injections. I'm told it won't last long."-William

-nicegarden.wav - "Now what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile?"-William
She kisses him.
"Nice garden."-William

-forjune.wav - "'For June, who loved this garden. From Joseph, who always sat beside her.' Some people do spend their whole lives together."-Anna

-sodoff.wav - "I'm sorry to disturb you guys, but--"-William
"Can I help you?"-Guy
"Well I wish I hadn't heard your conversation, but I did... and um... I just think, you know... the person you're talking about is a real person and I think she probably deserves a little bit more consideration rather than having jerks like you drooling over her."-William
"Oh sod off mate! What are you, her dad?"-Guy

-tunasgood.wav - "Hi."-Anna
"Oh my God."-Guy
"I just wanted to apologize for my friend. He's very sensitive."-Anna
"Oh, I... look, I..."-Guy
"No, no, no, no, no. Leave it, it's you know... I'm sure you didn't mean any harm, I'm sure it was just friendly banter... I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner. The tuna's really good."-Anna

-comeup.wav - "Do you want to come up?"-Anna
"Well, there seems to be lots of reasons why I shouldn't."-William
"There are lots of reasons. Do you want to come up?"-Anna

-goodbye.wav - "This is a very strange reality to be faced with."-William
"I'm so sorry... I don't know what to say."-Anna
"I think 'goodbye' is tradition."-William

- pandora.wav - "There's this girl."-William
"A-ha. I've been getting the female vibe. Good, speak on, dear friend."-Spike
"She's someone who... can't be mine. And uh... it's as if I've taken love heroin and now I can't ever have it again. I've opened Pandora's Box, and there's trouble inside."-William
"Hmmm... Yeah. Tricky. Tricky. I knew a girl at school called Pandora. Never got to see her box though."-Spike
Spike laughs.
"Right."-William

-wheelchair.wav - "And this is my wife, Bella."-Max
"Hello!"-Tessa
"Hello."-Bella
"You're in a wheelchair!!"-Tessa
"Yes, that's right."-Bella

-disasters.wav - "See, I think you've forgotten what an unusual situation you two have. To find someone you actually love... who'll love you... I mean, the chances are always miniscule. Look at me, apart from the American, I've only loved two girls. Both total disasters."-William
"Oh, that's not fair."-Max
"No, really. One of them marries me and leaves me faster than you can say 'Indiana Jones', and the other... who seriously ought to know better, casually marries my best friend."-William
"Still loves you though."-Bella
"Yeah, in a depressingly asexual way."-William

-welshman.wav - "Do you want to stay?"-Bella
"Yeah, why not. All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman."-William

-pornfilm.wav - "They were taken years ago. I know it was... well, I was poor, and it happens a lot. It's not an excuse, but to make matters worse, it now appears as though someone was filming me as well, so what was a stupid photo shoot now looks like a porn film."-Anna

-thankugod.wav - "You must be Spike."-Anna
He turns and walks out, slowly. Then comes back in.
"Hi."-Anna
"Just checking."-Spike
He leaves.
"Thank you God!!"-Spike

-welldoneyou.wav - "So what is that? A film you're doing?"-William
"I start in L.A. on Tuesday."-Anna
"Would you like me to take you through your lines?"-William
"Would you? It's all talk, talk, talk."-Anna
"Hand it over. Right... basic plot?"-William
"I'm a difficult but brilliant junior officer who in about twenty minutes is going to save the world from a nuclear disaster."-Anna
"Oh. Well done you."-William

-henryjames.wav - "What do you think?"-Anna
"Gripping. You know, it's not Jane Austen, it's not Henry James... but it's gripping."-William
"You think I should do Henry James instead?"-Anna
"Well I think you would be brilliant in Henry James. But you know, this writer... (looks at cover) ...writers... they're pretty damn good too."-William
"Well you never get anyone in 'Wings of a Dove' having the nerve to say 'inform the Pentagon that we need black star cover'."-Anna
"And for me, I think the book is the poorer for it."-William

-chagall.wav - "I can't believe you have that picture."-Anna
"You like Chagall?"-William
"I do. It feels like how love should be. Floating through a dark blue sky."-Anna
"With a goat. Playing a violin."-William
"Well, yes. Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat."-Anna

-bigfeet.wav - "You have big feet."-Anna
"Yes. Always have had."-William
"You know what they say about men with big feet."-Anna
"No. No, what is that?"-William
"Big feet... large... shoes."-Anna
Will laughs.

- stuntbottom.wav - "What's so irritating is that now I'm so totally fierce when it comes to nudity clauses."-Anna
"You actually have clauses in your contract about nudity?"-William
"Definitely. 'You may show the dent of the top of the artist's buttocks, but neither cheek. Or, if there's a stunt bottom being used, artist's must have full constitution.'"-Anna
"You have a stunt bottom?"-William
"I could have a stunt bottom."-Anna
"And are people tempted to go to better bottoms than their own?"-William
"Yeah. I mean, I would. This is important stuff."-Anna
"Well, that's one hell of a job, isn't it? What do you put on your passport - 'Profession: Mel Gibson's bottom'".-William
"Actually, Mel does his own ass work."-Anna
"Right."-William
"Why wouldn't he? It's delicious."-Anna
"What, the ice cream or Mel Gibson's bottom?"-William
"Both. Equally."-Anna
"But you wouldn't necessarily lick both."-William
"Well, this is tart. And fuzz-free."-Anna

-slipherone.wav - "Hello."-Spike
"Spike."-William
"I wonder if I could have a little word."-Spike
"Right."-William
"I don't want to interfere or nothing... but she's just split up from her boyfriend, that's right isn't it?"-Spike
"Maybe."-William
"And she's in your house?"-Spike
"Yes."-William
"And you get on very well?"-Spike
"Yes."-William
"Well isn't this perhaps a nice opportunity to... slip her one?"-Spike
"Spike! For God sakes she's in trouble, get a grip!"-William
"You think it's the wrong moment... fair enough."-Spike

-thrilled.wav - "Ughhh... please. Sod off."-William
"Okay..."-Anna
"No, no, no, no! Wait! I thought you were someone else. I thought you were Spike. I'm thrilled that you're not."-William

-naked.wav - "It strikes me as surreal that I'm allowed to see you naked."-William
"You and every person in this country."-Anna
"God, yes, I'm sorry."-William

-lovelier.wav - "Rita Hayworth used to say, 'They go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me.'"-Anna
"Who was Gilda?"-William
"Her most famous part. Men went to bed with the dream and didn't like it when they woke up with the reality. Do you feel that way?"-Anna
"You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been."-William

-stayforever.wav - "Can I stay a bit longer?"-Anna
"Stay forever."-William

-firmbuttocks.wav - "So how did I look? Not bad... not at all bad. Well chosen briefs, I'd say. Chicks love gray. Nice, firm buttocks!"-Spike

-underwear.wav - "Really?! The entire British press got up this morning and thought, 'I know where Anna Scott is! She's in that house with the blue door... in Notting Hill!' And then you go out in your goddamn underwear!"-Anna
Spike enters.
"I went out in my goddamn underwear too."-Spike
"Get out!"-William

-boringbook.wav - "I know that, but let's stay calm."-William
"No, YOU CAN STAY CALM! Alright, this is the perfect situation for you, isn't it?! Minimum input... maximum publicity! Everywhere you go people will say, 'Oh, well done you! You slept with that actress! We saw the pictures!!'"-Anna
"That is spectacularly unfair."-William
"Who knows, maybe it'll even help business. Buy a boring book about Egypt from the guy that screwed Anna Scott."-Anna
"Now, stop! Stop!"-William

-regret.wav - "This story will be filed. Every time anyone writes anything about me, they'll dig up these photos. Newspapers last forever. I'll regret this forever."-Anna
"Fine. Right. I will feel the opposite, if that's okay by you and always be glad that you came to stay."-William

-agent.wav - "Have we got something for you. Something which will make you love me so much you'll want to hug me every day for the rest of my life!"-Honey
"Blimey. What is it?"-William
"The phone number of Anna Scott's agent in London, and her agent in New York. Listen, you think about her all the time - now you can ring her!"-Honey
"(pause) Yeah. Brilliant, thanks."-William

-groovy.wav - "Since it's an evening of announcements... I've also got one. I've decided to get engaged. I've found myself a nice, slightly odd looking bloke... who I know is going to make me happy for the rest of my life."-Honey
"Well, wait a sec. I mean... I'm your brother. I don't know anything about this! Is he... I don't know, financially viable?"-William
"Um, he's an artist, with brilliant prospects."-Honey
"(to Bella) This is the secret you've been keeping from me."-William
"No!"-Bella
"(whispers to Spike) By the way... it's you."-Honey
"Me?"-Spike
"What do you think?"-Honey
"Well yeah. Groovy."-Spike

-deadpeople.wav - "Actually, um, yes. I feel I should apologize to everyone for my behaviour over the last six months. I have, as you know, been somewhat down in the mouth."-William
"There's an understatement. There are dead people in better form."-Max
Everyone laughs.

-overher.wav - "So you've laid the ghost?"-Max
"I believe I have."-William
"Don't give a damn about the famous girl."-Max
"No. No, I don't think I do."-William
"Which means you won't be distracted by the fact that she's back in London, grasping her Oscar and currently can be found filming most days on Hampstead Heath."-Max
"Oh God no."-William
"So... not over her, in fact."-Max

-tea.wav - "If you could wait... there are things to say."-Anna
"Okay."-William
"Drink tea. There's lots of tea."-Anna

-fan.wav - "Are you a fan of Henry James?"-Karen
"This is a Henry James film??"-William
"Yeah!"-Karen

-arse.wav - "God, that's an enormous arse."-Actor
"I'm not listening."-Anna
"No, seriously, it's not fair. So many tragic young teenagers with anorexia, and that girl has an arse she could perfectly well share round with at least ten other women, and still be big-bottomed."-Actor
"I would think, looking at something nice like that, you and your bony little excuse for an 'arse' would be well advised to keep quiet."-Anna

-past.wav - "Who was that rather diffident chap I saw you talking to around back?"-Actor "No one. Just some guy from the past... ah, it's a bit of an awkward situation really. I don't know what he's doing here."-Anna

-behaved.wav - "(gestures to the package) I brought this for you from home. So I thought I'd give it to you."-Anna
"Thank you. Shall I...?"-William
"Oh, no. Don't open it now. I'll be embarrassed."-Anna
"Well, thank you. I don't know what it's for, but thanks anyway."-William
"Actually, I had it in my apartment and I thought... well, when it came to it, I didn't know how to call having behaved so... badly. Twice. So it's just been sitting in the hotel."-Anna

-headphones.wav - "I have to go away today, but I wondered if I didn't... whether you might let me see you a little... or a lot, maybe. See if you could like me again."-Anna
"But yesterday that actor asked you who I was, and you just dismissed me out of hand. I heard. You had a microphone... I had headphones."-William
"You expect me to tell the truth about my life to the most indiscreet man in England?"-Anna

-ass.wav - "Can I just say, I thought 'Ghost' was the most wonderful film."-Martin
"Is that right?"-Anna
"Oh yes... I've always wondered what Patrick Swayze is like in real life."-Martin
"I can't say that I know Patrick that well."-Anna
"He wasn't that friendly during the filming?"-Martin
"Well, I'm sure he was to Demi Moore who acted with him in 'Ghost'."-Anna
"Oh, right. Right. Sorry. Always been a bit of an ass!"-Martin

-beverlyhills.wav - "With you, I'm in real danger. It seems like a perfect situation - apart from that foul temper of yours - but, my relatively inexperienced heart, would I fear not recover, if I was once again cast aside - as I would expect to be. There are just too many pictures of you, too many films... You'd go and I'd be... well, buggered, basically."-William
"That really is a real 'no', isn't it?"-Anna
"I live in Notting Hill, you live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are. My mother has trouble remembering my name."-William

-fame.wav - "The fame thing isn't really real, you know? And don't forget... I'm also just a girl... standing in front of a boy... asking him to love her."-Anna

-daftprick.wav - "I was called and I came. What's up?"-Spike
"William's just turned down Anna Scott."-Honey
"You daft prick!"-Spike
-sodadog.wav - "It was sort of sweet, actually. I mean, I know she's an actress and all that so she can deliver a line but um... she said she might be as famous as she can be but that she's just a girl, standing in front of a boy... asking him to love her."-William
(long pause)
"Oh sod a dog I've made the wrong decision, haven't I?"-William

jamesbond.wav - "Stop it right there! I will decide the route, alright?"-Max
"Sorry, Max."-Bernie
"James Bond never had to put up with this sort of shit."-Max

-reconsider.wav - "Miss Scott, are there any circumstances in which... the two of you might be more than just... good friends?"-William
"I hoped there would be, but no... I'm assured there aren't."-Anna
"But what would you say if--"-William
"I'm sorry, just the one question."-Jeremy
"No, it's alright. You were saying?"-Anna
"I was just wondering if... uhhh... it turned out that this person--"-William
"Thacker. His name was Thacker."-Reporter
"Thanks. Thanks. Just wondered whether if Mr. Thacker realized he'd been a daft prick and got down on his knees and begged you to reconsider... whether you would in fact then... reconsider?"-William
"(pause) Yes, I believe I would."-Anna
"That's very good news. The readers of 'Horse & Hound' will be absolutely delighted."-William

-indefinitely.wav - "Anna, how long are you intending on staying here in Britain?"-Reporter
"(pause, looks at Will) ...Indefinitely."-Anna