SCENE XXIV - CHER'S HOUSE

CHER V.O.

Suddenly, Daddy had a case that had to be solved right away, so some clerks and Josh came to help him go through a gazillion depositions.

(The doorbell rings)

CHER (from upstairs)

Daddy!

MEL

What?

CHER

I can't just open it, I have to make him wait a while.

MEL

Then he can wait outside.

CHER

Josh, pleeeaaase!

(Who could resist that?!)

C'mon, Josh? C'mon.

(Josh opens the door. Christian walks right in)

CHRISTIAN

What do ya hear?

JOSH

She's not ready.

(The two of them walk over to where Mel is working)

CHRISTIAN

Hey, man.

(Christian extends his hand, but Mel ignores it)

Nice pile of bricks you got here.

MEL

You drink?

CHRISTIAN

No, thanks. I'm cool.

MEL

I'm not offering, I'm asking you if you drink? You think I'd give alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?

CHRISTIAN

Hey, man. The protective vibe, I dig.

MEL

What's with you kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?

(Cher appears walking down the stairs. Josh and every male in the audience is stunned)

CHER

Christian.

CHRISTIAN

Doll face.

CHER

Handsome.

CHRISTIAN

Stunning.

JOSH (to Mel)

You're not letting her go out like that, are ya?

MEL

Cher, get in here.

CHER

What's up, Daddy?

MEL

What the hell is that?

CHER

A dress.

MEL

Says who?

CHER

Calvin Klein.

MEL

It looks like underwear. Go upstairs and put something over it.

CHER

Duh, I was just going to.

(Cher runs off)

MEL

Hey, you?!

(Christian turns around)

Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.

(Cher reappears)

CHER

Bye, Daddy. C'mon!

(They walk out)

CHER

It's so killer!

CHRISTIAN

Thank you. Your dad is pretty scary.

CHER

Isn't he?

CHRISTIAN

You like Billie Holiday?

CHER

I love him.

CHRISTIAN

Right.

"Miss Brown To You" Billie Holiday

(They drive off)

JOSH

I didn't like him.

MEL

What's to like?

JOSH

I think I should go to the party.

MEL

If you feel like you should go...

JOSH

You don't need me, do ya?

MEL

No, no, no.

JOSH

I mean, unless you want? I mean, unless you want?

MEL

Josh! Go to the party. Go, go, go, go.

JOSH

OK. I'll watch her for you.

(Josh walks off)

MEL

You do that.

SCENE XXV - THE FRAT PARTY

"Someday I Suppose" Mighty Mighty Bosstones

(Everyone is just dancing. Tai enters)

CHER

Tai!

(Tai falls down the stairs on her butt! Classic!)

Oh, my God. Tai, are you OK?

TAI

God, shit! That is so embarassing!

CHER

No, no one saw.

TAI

Now, all night long, I'm gonna be known as that girl who fell on her butt.

CHER

Tai, no one noticed.

"Where'd You Go?" Mighty Mighty Bosstones

COLLEGE GUY

Wow! Are you OK? That looked really bad.

TAI

Yeah, thanks.

(Tai spots Elton dancing with Amber.)

Oh, my God, Cher, look. He's going with Amber?!

CHER

No, he's probably just dancing with her.

TAI

Do you think she's pretty?

CHER

No, she's a full on Monet.

TAI

What's a monet?

CHER

It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?

CHRISTIAN

Hagsville.

CHER

See?

CHRISTIAN

Dig this. They're charging for brewskies. Cash me a five, I'll pay you back.

CHER

Sure.

(Christian kisses Cher on the cheek)

CHRISTIAN

Thanks.

(Christian walks away)

TAI

He is so cute!

CHER

Oh, my God. Do you see how he is falling in love with me?

(The girls watch Christian shrug off an interested girl)

I mean, look how he ignores every other girl.

TAI

Oh, God, look. There's Josh.

CHER V.O.

I didn't even see him come in, but it's like he finds the only adult in here, like he's deliberately trying to not have fun.

(Watch the look on Cher's face as she's waving. Truly legend.)

TAI

Cher, I have a question. What do you think I should do with this thing? Should I, uh, like tie it around, or put it over my shoulder?

CHER

Tie it around your waist.

CHRISTIAN

Ready to slide?

TAI

Thanks.

CHRISTIAN

Let's go.

(Christian and Cher return to the dance floor)

CHER V.O.

The band was kickin', and Christian was the hottest guy there, but my enjoyment was put on pause when I saw how unhappy Tai was.

(Josh walks over to Tai, engages in small talk, then asks her to dance)

CHER

Oh, look, look! Josh is dancing with Tai, he never dances.

CHRISTIAN

I can see why.

CHER

No, he's doing her a prop so she won't feel left out.

CHRISTIAN

Oh, I dig it.

(Time passes. Cher, Tai, Josh, and Christian are left. Christian is still dancing by himself)

"Here (Squirmel Mix)" Luscious Jackson

JOSH

How are you guys holding up?

CHER

We're so ready to leave.

TAI

I'm tired.

CHER

Let's get Christian and go. Christian! You wanna go?

CHRISTIAN

Now? These guys here have got the skinny on the happenin' after hours.

CHER

My trainer's coming really, really early this morning.

CHRISTIAN

Oh.

JOSH

Look, I could take the girls home.

CHRISTIAN

No, it's OK.

CHER

No, I'm fine, stay.

CHRISTIAN

You sure?

CHER

Yeah, sure.

CHRISTIAN (to Josh)

Thanks, man. You got my marker.

(to Cher) You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow.

SCENE XXVI - JOSH'S CAR

CHER

That was really decent of you to dance with Tai tonight.

JOSH

My pleasure.

CHER

You notice any positive changes in her?

JOSH

Yeah, it's under your tutilage she's exploring the challenging world of bare midriffs. So you didn't want to make a night of it with the ring-a-ding kid?

CHER

Yeah, Daddy wouldn't go too ballistic, it's not like he's going to sleep or anything.

JOSH

No, not if they're going to finish those depo's.

CHER

Hey, you what would be so dope? If we got some really delicious take-out. I bet they haven't eaten all night.

JOSH

That would be pretty dope of us. Let's do it.

SCENE XXVII - CHER'S HOUSE

CHER V.O.

The midnight snack totally revived the lawyers and Daddy was way grateful.

MEL

Mmm, Meat!

CHER

Meaty oranges and you get a lot of vitamin C.

(Mel picks up a large sandwich)

Daddy, no! Daddy, no. You know you can't have that...

MEL

Cher, c'mon!

CHER

Don't be silly.

CHER V.O.

I know it sounds mental, but sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying. Maybe because my party clothes are so binding.

JOSH

Look, I'm just curious. How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?

CHER

Some people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.

JOSH

Stop it, you're making me blush.

(Phone rings. Cher answers)

CHER

Hello?

GAIL

Hi Cher, how are you?

CHER

Hi, Gail.

GAIL

Is my son there, cleaning out your refridgerator?

(Josh motions a "No" to Cher)

CHER

No, no, he's not here. You should try the dorms.

GAIL

Alright, bye, hon.

CHER

Bye-bye.

(Cher hangs up the phone)

What was that all about?

JOSH

She wants me to come home for spring break.

CHER

So, what's the big deal? Nobody will be in school.

JOSH

Yeah, but husband number four's at home and his whole idea of acting like a family is to criticize me.

CHER

So, what? You're just going to roam around campus for two weeks all by yourself?

JOSH

I don't mind.

CHER

That is stupid. Why don't you just come here, you can have your old room, and there are going to be some great parties.

JOSH

I don't know.

CHER

Why not?

JOSH

You got your whole social world going on, I don't want to get in the way.

CHER

you won't be in the way.

JOSH

How much fun would it be having a brother-type tagging along?

CHER

Josh, you are not my brother.

JOSH

You know what I mean.

CHER

C'mon, you need some excitement in your life. It'll replenish you for your finals.

JOSH

OK.

CHER

Good.

JOSH

I can't believe I'm taking advice from someone who watches cartoons.

CHER

That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.

JOSH

Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

CHER

No, why? Do I sound like I do?

SCENE XXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE

(Theme from "2001:A Space Odyssey" is playing while camera is focused on phone. The phone rings)

CHER V.O.

Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time, that meant Thursday. So, you can imagine my astonishment to hear from him while I was packing Daddy up.

CHER

Hello?

"I Believe I'm You" Gail Orange

CHER V.O.

He said he'd come over with some video tapes and we'd watch them. A night alone with Christian! I sent for reinforcements. Then, Dee and I had to design a lighting concept, and costume decisions. I don't rely on mirrors, so I always take polaroids. Whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking.

CHER

Oh, I'm still all red.

DIONNE

Well, I'm trying to make you as white as I can, Cher. Look, you're all flushed. You have to calm down. OK? Calm.

CHER

You know, I am so glad I never did it with someone I had lukewarm feelings for. Christian is brutally hot, and I am going to remember tonight forever.

DIONNE

Blot.

(Later)

(The door bell rings. Cher opens the door)

CHRISTIAN

Hi.

CHER

Hi.

CHRISTIAN

Is something burning?

CHER

Oh, my God!

(Cher runs to the kitchen. The bake was fried)

CHRISTIAN

Oh, honey, you baked.

CHER

I tried.

CHRISTIAN

C'mon, show me the rest of your pad.

(Cher and Christian are outside among Mel's art collection)

CHRISTIAN

Your father has a well-rounded collection.

CHER

Daddy says it's a good investment.

CHRISTIAN

He's absolutely right. Klaus Oldenberg.

CHER

Oh, he's way famous!

(Christian approaches a different sculpture)

CHRISTIAN

This is older, see? Transitional. A very important piece.

CHER

Um, do you want to go swimming?

CHRISTIAN

Hmmm, let's watch the movies.

CHER

Oh, OK.

(Scene moves to Christian and Cher lying on bed watching "Spartacus")

CHER V.O.

Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis, so he brought over "Some Like It Hot" and "Sparaticus".

(Cher starts rubbing her feet up against Christian's legs. Christian doesn't enjoy it)

CHER

My feet are cold.

(Christian puts a pillow over Cher's feet)

Thanks.

CHRISTIAN

Oh, watch this part, this is good.

(Cher falls off the bed while trying to look sexy. Too funny.)

Are you OK?

CHER

I'm fine. Do you want some, something to drink? You know, I could get you some wine.

CHRISTIAN

No. You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy.

CHER

That's OK.

CHRISTIAN

I'm actually getting tired.

CHER

But, um, I could make you some coffee if you'd like?

CHRISTIAN

Oh, no thanks. Got the ulcer.

CHER

But you had all those cappucinos before?

CHRISTIAN

Oh. Well, you know, that was, like... foam.

(They move to the front door)

You're great. We're friends, right?

(Cher nods)

Knock me a little kiss.

(Cher kisses him on the cheek)

I'll see ya.

(Christian leaves)

CHER V.O.

I don't get it. Did my hair get flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? What's wrong with me?

(NOTHING!)

SCENE XXIX - MURRAY'S CAR

DIONNE

Nothing! Maybe he really was tired!

CHER

I suppose it wasn't meant to be, I mean, he does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?

MURRAY

Get back into the right lane. What's the first thing you do?

DIONNE

First thing I do is, I put on my blinker.

(Dionne accidently turns the wipers on)

Oh, wait, shit.

MURRAY

Watch the road, watch the road!

DIONNE

Alright! Stop. Then, I look in my mirror. OK, then I glance at my blind spot.

MURRAY

Glance with your head, not the whole car. I swear to God, I swear to God, Woman, you can't drive for shit!

DIONNE

I'm not trying to hear that.

MURRAY

Hear me...

CHER

Actually, going all the way is like a really big decision. I can't believe I was so caprecious about it. Dee, I almost had sex with him.

MURRAY

You almost had sex with who?

CHER

Christian.

(Murray cracks up)

DIONNE

What?

MURRAY

Yo, look. Are you bitches blind or something? Your man, Christian is a cake-boy!

CHER & DIONNE

A what?!

MURRAY

He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streissand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?

CHER

Uh-uh. no way.

MURRAY

He's gay.

CHER

Not even.

MURRAY

Yes, even.

DIONNE

He does like to shop, Cher, and the boy can dress.

CHER

Oh, my God. I am totally buggin'. I feel like such a bonehead.

MURRAY

What the hell? Yo, you're getting on the freeway!

DIONNE

What?!

MURRAY

Yo, turn right! Get out of the lane! Don't go. Forget procedure, just get out of the lane!

(Both Cher and Dionne scream)

MURRAY

Truck, truck, truck, truck! Ahhh!

CHER (screaming)

You're on the freeway!

DIONNE

What do I do, Murray?

MURRAY

Go straight, go straight, go straight! Just relax and drive, baby! Just relax and drive.

(An old lady gives them the finger)

CHER (screaming)

Shut up! Shut up!

(Lots of screams from everybody)

MURRAY

Whatever you do, keep your hands on the wheel, at all times!

(A huge truck closes in on them. Murray sees it)

Aaahhhhh!!!

(A lot more screaming from the three)

Turn to the right! Oh, there it is. Alright, we're off. Damn, you did wonderful. Sorry, baby.

CHER

You did it, Dee!

MURRAY

Relax, relax, relax, relax, honey, relax. Baby, relax, relax. Breathe, breathe, breath in, breathe. Let it out. Breathe, breathe, breathe, honey, breathe, breath. Relax, relax.

CHER V.O.

Boy, getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is. After that, Dionne's virginity went from technical to non-exisistant. I realized how much I wanted a boyfriend of my own.

SCENE XXX - THE MALL

CHER V.O.

Not that Christian wasn't a blast to hang out with. He was becoming one of my favourite shopping partners.

CHRISTIAN

???????? Um, where's Tai?

CHER

Oh, she met some random guys at the Foot Locker and escorted them right over there.

TAI (in distance)

Oh, my God! Did you see...

CHER

I don't know where she meets these Barnies.

CHRISTIAN

I have a question, alright?

CHER

What?

CHRISTIAN

The jacket? Is it James Dean or Jason Priestly?

CHER

Carpe' diem. OK, you looked hot in it.

CHRISTIAN

Really?

TAI (with the barnies)

If I fall, would you guys catch me?

CHER

Could we please be more... generic?

(Tai screams)

TAI

Stop it! Please! Bring me back up, please! Bring me back up.

(Tai screams a little more, then Christian rescues her)

TAI

Thank you.

CHRISTIAN

You asshole!

BARNEY #1

Hey, man. We're just joking.

CHRISTIAN

Oh, really?! Someone could get killed.

(Tai runs over and hugs Cher)

TAI

Cher, you don't understand. I was just sitting there and I was just talking to those guys, and then, all of a sudden, we were laughing, and...

CHRISTIAN

Hey, are you OK?

TAI

Yeah.

CHRISTIAN

Are you sure?

TAI

I'm fine. Yeah, uh-huh.

CHRISTIAN

Let's get you home for some R&R, huh?

TAI

What's that?

(Christian laughs)

CHER V.O.

Boy, considering how clueless she was, Tai certainly had that "damsel in distress" act down.

SCENE XXXI - SCHOOL

CHER V.O.

Meanwhile, back at school, everyone was talking about Tai's "brush with death" at the mall.

STUDENT

Was it, like a montage of all the scenes in your life?

TAI

Not exactly a montage...

SUMMER

Hey, Cher! Is it true some gang members, like tried to shoot Tai in the mall?

CHER

No.

SUMMER

That is what everyone is saying.

CHER

Whatever.

STUDENT

When I was nine, I fell off the jungle gym, that's when I saw this light, you know?

TAI

Wait, wait. Move down for Cher.

DIONNE

Hi!

AMBER

Tell me more, tell me more.

TAI

Where was I?

AMBER

You were thinking about was really important.

TAI

Oh, right, right. Right before you die, your mind just sort of gets very clear. It's a very intense, spiritual thing...

CHER

Well, I know when I was held at gun-point...

STUDENT

Excuse me. (to Tai) You were saying.

TAI

It's spiritual. I don't know, I can't, I can't pinpoint the spirituality out for you, you know, if you've never experienced anything...

CHER

Tai! I was planning on going to the Tower and getting something for Christian. You know, like some kind of present or something. You wanna come?

TAI

Sure. I mean, I owe him my life.

CHER

So, I'll get you after school.

TAI

Yeah... no, not today, I'm going over to Melrose with Amber.

AMBER

We're going to Melrose.

CHER

Oh, well, how about tomorrow?

TAI

Do you think we could do it next Monday? My week's filling up pretty fast here.

DIONNE

So, when we got back from the eye hop it was late.

TAI

Oh, what? Swoon? Here comes your boyfriend.

(Travis approaches)

TRAVIS

Tai, check it out.

(Travis spits up in the air, then catches it. What a legend!)

(Sounds of disgust from around the table)

TRAVIS

Could you shove down a bit?

DIONNE

No.

TAI

Hello? Don't the slackers prefer that grassy knoll over there?

(Some at the table laugh. Travis is surprised and hurt. Cher looks worried and a little disappointed)

DIONNE

Tai, so anyway.

TAI

What?

DIONNE

Have you ever done it in water?

TAI

Oh, yeah.

DIONNE

Really?

TAI

Uh-huh.

CHER V.O.

What was happening? Dionne asking tai for sex advice? Tai being the most popular girl in school? It was like some sort of alternate universe!

SCENE XXXII - THE DRIVING TEST

CHER V.O.

On top of everyhting else, I was going to take the driving test. So, I had to find my most resposible-looking ensemble.

CHER

Lucy! Lucy! Where's my white collarless shirt from Fred Segal?

(Cher moves to the kitchen)

Lucy, where's my shirt?

LUCY

Probably at the cleaners.

CHER

But today's the driving test. It's my most capable looking outfit.

LUCY

OK, I call them.

CHER

It's too late now. Oh, and we got another notice from the fire department saying to clear out the bush. You said you were going to get Jose to do it.

LUCY

He your gardener. I don't know why you don't tell him.

CHER

Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.

LUCY

I not a Mexican!

CHER

Great, what was that all about?

JOSH

Lucy's from El Salvador.

CHER

So?

JOSH

It's an entirely different country.

CHER

Oh, what does that matter?

JOSH

You get upset if someone thinks you live below Sunset.

CHER

Oh, OK, so everything is all my fault? I'm always wrong, right?

JOSH

You're such a brat.

(Scene changes to inside Cher's car)

CHER V.O.

I had an overwhelming sense of ickyness. Even though I apologized to Lucy, something was still plaguing me. Like Josh thinking I was mean was making me postal.

DMV TESTER

Move into the right lane.

CHER V.O.

I mean, why should I care what Josh thinks? Why was I letting it throw me into such turmoil?

(Cher moves right without looking and almost wipes out a cyclist)

DMV TESTER

Watch out for the bike rider!

CYCLIST

Hey!

CHER

Oops! My bad.

DMV TESTER

What are you doing? You can't take up both lanes. Get in the right lane.

(Cher moves right and scrapes against a parked car)

DMV TESTER

Not so close!

CHER

Ooh! Should I write them a note?

DMV TESTER

Pull over up here and turn off the engine. Yeah, right there.

(Cher pulls up at least three feet from the cerb)

CHER

Ooh. Are you gonna take me somewhere to make left-hand turns?

DMV TESTER

We're going back to the D.M.V.

CHER

It's over?

DMV TESTER

It's over.

CHER

Well, how'd I do?

DMV TESTER

How'd you do? Well, let's see shall we? You can't park, you can't switch lanes, you can't make right-hand turns, you damaged private property, and you almost killed someone. Off hand, I'd say you failed.

CHER

Failed?! Can't we just start over, I mean, I'm kind of having a personal problem, my mind was somewhere else, I mean, you saw how that biker came out of nowhere, right? I swear I'll concentrate, I drive really good, usually. Isn't there somebody else I can talk to, a supervisor or something, I mean, you can't be the absolute and final word in driver's licences?

DMV TESTER

Girly, as far as your concerned, I am the Messiah of the D.M.V. Now, get out of the car.

SCENE XXXIII - CHER'S HOUSE

CHER V.O.

I can't believe I failed. I failed something I couldn't talk my way out of?

(Cher approaches Josh and Tai who are playing with a hacky-sack)

TAI

Hey! You're home.

JOSH

Hey, how does it feel to have a licence?

CHER

I wouldn't know, I failed.

TAI

Oh, bummer.

CHER

And Josh, spare me the lectures on how driving is such a big responsibility, and you can't B.S. your way through it, OK?

JOSH

I didn't say anything.

CHER

I know what you're thinking.

TAI

I got to tell you something, I'm really sorry about your test and all, but I am so glad you're here. There's something I gotta do and I really need you here when I really do it. Does this thing work?

CHER

Oh, yeah, sure.

(Cher picks up the remote and switches the fire on)

What is this stuff?

TAI

This is a bunch of stuff that reminded me of Elton, but I want to burn it, because I am so over him.

CHER

What stuff?

TAI

Alright, do you remember when we were at the Val party and the clog knocked me out, and Elton ran and got a towel of ice to cure me.

CHER

Well, yeah.

TAI

Well, I didn't tell you at the time, but I took the towel home as a souvenir.

CHER

You're kidding?

TAI

No.

(Tai throws the towel into the fire)

And then, do you remember that song that was playing while we danced? Remember that? You know, the rollin' with the homies?

CHER

Oh.

TAI

Anyways, so I got the tape right? I listened to it, like every single night.

CHER

Don't burn that.

TAI

OK.

CHER

Tai, I'm really happy for you, but what brought on this surge of empowerment?

TAI

It's like, I met this guy who's so totally amazing that he makes Elton look like a loser.

CHER

That is so great.

TAI

Look, you have got to help me get Josh.

CHER

Get Josh what?

TAI

You know what I mean. I like him.

CHER

Do you think that he like you?

TAI

Yeah.

CHER

How do you know?

TAI

Like, little things, you know? Like, he always, he finds some sort of way to touch me or tickle me. And you remember the time at the frat when I was totally depressed and he asked me to dance with him, he was really flirty. You OK?

CHER

Yeah. Oh, actually, I was really bad today, I had two moccacinos, I feel like ralphing.

TAI

I know exactly how that feels. Like the other day, I was talking to Josh, and we were discussing the difference between high school girls and colege girls. The college girls wear less make-up on their face and that's why guys like them more.

CHER

But, Tai, do you really think you could go with Josh? I mean, he's like a school nerd.

TAI

What, am I some sort of mentally challenged airhead?

CHER

No. Not even, I didn't say that.

TAI

But I'm not good enough for Josh, or something?

CHER

I just don't think you mesh well together.

TAI

You don't think that we mesh well? It is like, why am I even listening to you to begin with? You're a virgin who can't drive.

(Cher is brought to the point of tears. You bitch, Tai!!!)

CHER

That was way harsh, Tai.

TAI

Look, I'm really sorry. Let's just talked when we've mellowed, alright? I'm audi.

CHER V.O.

What did I do? I've created sort sort of a monster. I could feel the chunks start to rise up in my throath. I had to get out.

SCENE XXXIV - CHER WALKING THE STREETS

"All By Myself" Jewel

CHER V.O.

Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about Christian, and now Josh hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion, I was just totally clueless. Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing was wigging me more than anything. I mean, what was my problem? Tai is my pal, I don't begrudge her a boyfriend, I really.. Ooh, I wonder if they have that in my size.

What does she want with Josh, anyway? He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock, he's not even cute... in a conventional way. I mean, he's just like this slug who hangs around the house all the time. And he's a hideous dancer, I couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about? This is like, Josh! OK, OK, so he's kind of a baldwin, but what would he want with Tai? She couldn't make him happy. Josh needed someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes... in case he ever makes any. Then suddenly...

CHER

Oh, my God. I love Josh.

CHER V.O.

I am majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with Josh.