Return to Green Sweater main page Brad Peyton - writer & director
Elise Cormode - producer
"full" is a new project currently in development by Green Sweater Film.
If you would like more information, please contact Brad Peyton -- docterd@rocketmail.com or Elise Cormode -- eliseact@oocities.com
Return to Green Sweater main page
Brad Peyton - writer & director
Elise Cormode - producer
INTRODUCTION
Full is a short film project that confronts the psychological illnesses that I suffered from as an adolescent: anorexia nurvousa and bulimia nervosa.Let me begin by taking you one trip to the washroom while you suffer from anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa.
You step in, lock the door, and hope that the washroom has a fan so that you won’t have to run the taps to mask the gagging noises you know you will make. If you’re desperate you immediately drop to your knees in front of the toilet, never forgetting to reach out and locate your nearest roll of toilet paper; you’ll need it for cleaning up. You quickly take your favored hand and jam your index finger way back into your mouth until it finds the moist knot of muscle which is usually sore because of your taking part in this rite at least two or three times a day. But the soreness is secondary to your cause. You find that as your force open your throat you do one of two things; either you agonizingly wrench your eyes shut, or stare down into the toilet trying to visual anything that will make you vomit.
You massage your sore throat sphincter until you vomit. But even this portion of the rite has its tricks. Sometimes you feel it coming and you have time to react and arch yourself away from the toilet. Other times your suddenly gag as it discharges and you squint your eyes shut and shudder, feeling the toilet water speckle your face. The tremors hit.
You cringe. Your arms begin to shake. Your body feels like it might buckle under. The whole time you’re either smiling widely or repeating, “God, God, God,” in your head while you try to force your eyes open. Then, strangely enough, you look at what you have just accomplished and you’re proud. You try to figure out what it is you just vomited, unless you know because you’ve only eaten once that day are expecting it. You never question why you do it.
Then you quickly clean your soiled finger and wipe up the existing evidence that might be on the toilet or surrounding floor. Then as soon as your legs are underneath you again, you get out of there as quickly as possible – back to the social engagement that you’ve slipped out of – before your friends or family question your lengthy absence. And as you leave you always remember to wipe the tears from your eyes and smile, no matter what the taste in your mouth is.
This is what I went through consecutively for two years of my life. It is my aim to educate. This project is a testament to those who have overcome an eating disorder, a warning to those who dare begin, and a lifeboat for those engaged. The film is “full.”
MY PERSONAL STRUGGLE
What you read above is precisely what I did twice a day, if I had eaten at all, for two years of my life. It took me only three months to lose an astounding one hundred pounds. My weight dropped from 220lbs to 120lbs during the summer of 1996. Though I would never admit it, I was very ill. I never admit it because I never thought of it as an illness at all. To me what I was doing was not a question of health, but a question of will power. But I never had the will power to admit I couldn’t stop, or I had any reason to stop.
I suffered from a sever case of anorexia and bulimia between the summers of 1995 and 1997. I was seventeen years old when it began. Twice at age eighteen I was close to hospitalization.
My illness began as a form of expression when I could find no other way of expressing my feelings of shame, doubt and inadequacy. It was also a response of rage grief towards my father’s serious illness. My psychological and physical condition didn’t help my family contend with my father’s illness and at first I thought no one noticed my weight loss. Soon I believed that no one cared, which just pushed me to lose more. When my family did begin to take notice, I simply made light of it, shrugging it off as if they shouldn’t be concerned. If they did push the topic, I would ignore them or manage to laugh it off. Both my family and close friends tried to open me to the reality of my situation, but all I was concerned with was understanding how anyone could see the worst in me – my weight – and still care about me.
This is a question that anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa suffers try to understand: How can anyone see their worst flaw (which they see as their weight), and still love them? It is a question that a sufferer can’t answer on their own, but recognizing and understanding the illness can be the first step towards the answer.
THE ILLNESS
Anorexia nervosa is a disorder that causes a person to be preoccupied with dieting and thinness. This leads to excessive weight loss. The individual may not acknowledge that weight loss as a problem, but in fact 10 percent of suffers die of serious weight loss. A few anorexia nervosa danger signals to watch for include:
Losing significant amount of weight
Continuing to diet, although thin
Feeling fat, even after losing weight
Fearing weight gain
Preoccupation with food, calories, nutrition and/or cooking
Preferring to diet in isolation
Exercising compulsively
Binging and purging
Bulimia nervosa is a completely different illness. It involves episodes of binge eating, almost always followed by purging and feelings of guilt and shame. Almost all individuals who suffer from bulimia feel out of control and recognize that their behaviour is not normal. Some bulimia nervosa danger signals to watch for include:
Binging or eating is uncontrollable
Purging by strict dieting, fasting, vigorous exercising, vomiting or abusing laxatives or diuretics in an attempt to lose weight
Using the bathroom frequently after meals
Preoccupation with body weight
Depression or mood swings
Experiencing personal or family problems
It should be clarified that an eating disorder is not just a problem, but also an attempted solution to a problem. People suffering from this illness rationalize their behaviour by saying that it serves a purpose. An eating disorder, for all the problems it creates, is truly an effort to communicate and to cope. Maybe the sufferer has a problem in his or her life that seems too large to deal with, so by causing themselves to suffer they express their own feelings. Or maybe their illness is an attempt to establish a sense of self to experience one’s own power, worth, and specialness. Though it seems a painful and strenuous act, binging and purging may seem to the sufferer as the only reliable means of relief from pain, anxiety or numbness.
There is no simple solution to eating disorders and change is often slow and typically includes lapses and setbacks. But revealing the illness and understanding it is the first major step.
Both anorexia and bulimia are eating disorders and psychological illnesses, which have had serious social impacts in the twentieth century. Many young people looking for acceptance look towards role models, such as professional athletes, film actors, and models. They begin to view the world as a place tailored for these glamorous, elegant and extremely physically fit people. When we begin to compare ourselves to these role models we don’t realize that what might have started as an interest in better health may become an obsession with weight.
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Brad Peyton - writer & director
Elise Cormode - producer
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