Memorable M*A*S*H Quotes


UPDATED July 18th 2002


If you have any quotes you want posted here or any suggestions, email them to Colleen at: crh_violin@yahoo.com.


If you have any ideas as to what episodes go to what quotes that aren't marked, please email me so that I can get them posted. Thanks so much!


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"They said what...?"


*********************


"Hawkeye said...?"


"I don't care. I really don't. They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home and they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out." - 'The Late Captain Pierce'

"Nine times out of ten a hero is someone who is tired enough, cold enough, and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn!" - 'The Sniper'

"Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then --- then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naiveté, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you. Why don't you grow up for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder -- if possible, without going crazy. Period." - 'Fallen Idol'

"I'm reminded of a story, you've probably heard it. The king and queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs. Their son Jack remarked how strange it was that they only had two hearts between them. And just then his sister Little Deucy and her dog Tre started singing "Four Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," whereupon the whole family beat her to death and buried her with two spades." - 'Rally Round the Flagg, Boys'

"I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment." - 'O.R.'

"A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums." - 'The Interview'

"Look Colonel, I'll treat their wounds, heal their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds." - 'Hawkeye Get Your Gun'

"Look Beej, I know it's tough for you to say goodbye so I'll say it. Maybe we'll see each other again and maybe not. In any case, I want you to know how much you've meant to me." - 'Goodbye, Farewell and Amen'

"I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Quoc, a very dry martini. A very dry, arrid, barren, desiccated, veritable dustbowl of a martini. I want a martini that could be declared a disaster area. Mix me just such a martini." - 'There Is Nothing Like a Nurse'

"I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish!  I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!" - 'Adam's Ribs'

"I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-Train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five." - 'Goodbye, Farewell and Amen'

"Morning, ladies and germs. The ambulance stopped with a jerk and I got off." - 'They Call the Wind Korea'

"I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war, I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!" - 'Officer of the Day'

"I'm very fond of Radar, Frank. He's both the child and pet I never had. - 'The Gun'

"I don't care what you guys did to me, but those lice you just drowned were women and children!"- 'The Smell of Music'

"How do they expect us to fight the war without shuttlecocks?" - Crisis'

"I'm donating my shoulder to the wheel, my nose to the grindstone, and my ear to the ground, but I only have eyes for you."- 'The Late Captain Pierce'

"Henry Blake is a good doctor and a pretty good Joe. As a commanding officer, well, it's a bit like being on a sinking liner, running to the bridge, and finding out that the captain is Daffy Duck."- 'Dear Dad'

"There's supposed to be a medical insignia there, a caduceus. I probably dropped it in a patient." - 'The General's Practitioner'

"What am I supposed to do...eat it or smoke it?" - 'None Like It Hot'

"I am forced to operate alongside a surgeon who can't trim his toenails without committing malpractice." - 'Divided We Stand'

"The fighting goes on---the hatred, the violence, the senseless brutality, men behaving like animals---then, of course, there's the war." - 'Dear Dad Again'

"I've done my best to keep up the nurses' morale, but I've only got two hands." - 'Dear Dad'

"You've heard of a military post? Ours is a compost." - 'Welcome to Korea'

"Hey, give that man a lady in the balcony!" - 'Welcome to Korea'

"Klinger, you should know better. The Mess Tent is no place to bring a sick person." - 'Point of View'

"Some college. They don't even have a football team." - On the American College of Surgeons - 'Stars and Stripes'

"This floor is a lot like you, Charles. Full of culture and breeding no one can tolerate."- 'Cementing Relationships'

"I am the essence of overconfidence, I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for it's winsome yet annonymous mate, the perfume and color of flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of bees, I am sex itself gentlemen, I am life, I am appetite."- 'Inga'

"I'm a life-long Anglophile. England is still the only place I know where any young man can grow up to be the Queen."

"Henry, your fly is closed."

"Frank, can I borrow your doctor's diploma? They're running low in the latrine."

"Remember Beej, it's your turn to milk Charles in the morning."

*********************


"Trapper said...?"


"It isn't a president's face, but it's political looking... it's a cow chip." - 'Life with Father'

"What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married. But figure 'A' is already married to figure 'C' and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D' but figure 'A' can't keep his hands of figure 'B' because she's got such a great figure."- 'Dear Dad'

"Frank, how would you like your lip to donate a pint of blood?"

"If you were a patient, would you trust you?"

"Hey, if I don't like a movie, I get up and leave."

*********************


"B.J. said...?"


"The Army has all my credentials: the Acme School of Medicine, residency at Joe's Hospital and Auto Supply, and my private practice at Schultz's Mortuary." - 'Last Laugh'

"He couldn't even walk a crooked line." - On a very drunk Charles - 'The Young and the Restless'

"Specialty of the day is ambush stew. It'll attack you when you least expect it.

"This floor is a lot like you, Charles.  Full of culture and breeding no one can tolerate."

"Tell the General I would offer him dinner, but as a doctor it's not for me to endanger his health."

*********************


"Henry said...?"


"Ah, why didn't you have me sign this while I was signing all the other things I was signing my name to, which I didn't know why I was signing them either?" - 'Rainbow Bridge'

"Nope, it's oak."- 'To Market, To Market'

"I know, but to cut off a man's legs and steal his drawers."- 'Crisis'

"Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one." - 'Sometimes You Hear the Bullet'

"I know this is no place for a child. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the war."- 'Kim'

"Sex happens to be one of the most important things in life in as much as each one of us is one or the other gender of it once we're born, which is the direct result of the act of it."- 'Bulletin Board'

"Did you really yell, 'Give me an incubator or give me death!'?"- 'The Incubator'

"Did you really call a one star general a nin-com-pac?"- To Hawkeye and Trapper - 'The Incubator'

"Uh, some of you are going back home to your wives.  Some of you are going back to your sweethearts. And some, for all I know, are going back to both." - 'As You Were'

"That's not what you guys came to ask. I mean, the last thing you want to know when you say 'How are you' is how am I." - 'Pilot'

"Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide it." - 'Sometimes You Hear the Bullet'

"Klinger, it's my considered opinion that no one is going to believe you are pregnant."

"Our food here leaves a lot to be desired. Oh, it fills you up if you can keep it down."

*********************


"Colonel Potter said...?"


"What Pierce did today was let a few people know, we're tired and we want to go home." - 'Peace On Us'

"Oh, I see, so naturally you shot Captain Hunnicutt."

"Is it you, Winchester, or the nurses?"- 'What's Up, Doc'

"Major, don't yell at my bird." - 'Payday'

"Listen, Radar, I guess you realize I'm kinda fond of you. Lord knows I've never met a soul I could depend on more, but above all that, you've been a damn good friend. Well, friend, it's time we said goodbye. Time you got on with your life. You've come as far as you can go here. You've earned your wings...now you've gotta fly."- 'Goodbye, Radar Part II'

"Pierce, are you deaf? I'm giving your hijinks the heave-ho, post-haste! I'm the boss here! I can do that!" - 'April Fools'

"Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh right when I needed it most. Never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. 'Course I had to pretend I was mad at ya, but inside I was laughing to beat all hell."- 'Goodbye, Farewell and Amen'

"Listen, when you love somebody, you're always in trouble. There's only two things you can do about it: either stop loving 'em, or love 'em a whole lot more."- 'Goodbye, Farewell and Amen'

"Listen, when you love somebody, you're always in trouble. There's only two things you can do about it: either stop loving 'em, or love 'em a whole lot more."- to Klinger - 'Goodbye, Farewell and Amen'

"See those boots?  Picture them kicking you across the compound."- 'The Grim Reaper'

"I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife."

"It's a rare treat to share your underwear with a friend." - 'The Price'

"Nobody plans their own destiny. The best thing we can do is hit what's pitched."- 'Where There's a Will, There's a War'

"Dracula wouldn't find a snack in here." - 'Post-Op'

"If you ain't where you are, you're no place." - 'Dear Sis'

"I'm not limping; I'm favoring my other leg." - 'The Young and the Restless'

"Into the cave with the rest of the bats."- To Klinger - 'C*A*V*E'

"There's not enough O's in smooth to describe this."

"Bugleing above and beyond the call of duty? My horse can bugle better than him!"

*********************


"Margaret said...?"


"Does this look like peace to you?" - 'Goodbye, Farewell and Amen'

"Those two! They're ruining this war, for all of us!"- 'Pilot'

"I resent that implication. We never went to a motel. Wally had a Nash."- 'Are You Now, Margaret?'

"Did you ever show me any kind of friendship? Ask my help with a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine what it feels like to walk by this tent and hear you laughing and know I'm not welcome? Did you ever once ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?" - 'The Nurses'

"Put him down! You can't twirl an officer!"- 'Springtime'

"I don't fall over, captain. Everything around here will be just fine if there's a little less leaning a lot more leadership. We need obedience. We need discipline, not this chaos. Doctors like you constantly out of uniform. Nurses who don't belong in uniform. Dogs running around loose in camp...they're getting run over by jeeps." - 'Images'

"How dare you sleep while this whole camp is in bed?!" - 'The Yalu Brick Road'

"The only reason he goes for his nose is because it's the only living thing around him that would have him!" - Talking about Charles - 'War of Nerves'

"Respect. I expect nothing more and except nothing less." - Talking to Hawkeye

*********************


"Frank said...?"


"It's a funny thing, war. Never have so many suffered so much so that so few could be so happy." - 'Springtime'

"To Major Margaret Houlihan, my friend, my comrade, my little soldier... I leave all my clothes."

"I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot." - 'Hey, Doc'

"Marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be.  If you ask me, it's the chief cause of divorce."

"It's nice to be nice to the nice." - 'Henry in Love'

"Maybe you'd know more about what was going on in this camp if you weren't so busy redecorating latrines."- 'Germ Warfare'

"We all know it's brutal up there at the front, especially those of us at the rear."

"Let me tell you something, Pierce. Those godless Commies have run their own countries into the toilet while half the people over here haven't seen a bathroom. And believe you me, they want one. If they can't get them by subversion, they'll get them by war."- 'Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde'

"I've learned a valuable lesson: when you steal something, don't ever try to return it."- 'The Gun'

*********************


"Charles said...?"


"... but know this: You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice-daily swill. But you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness, and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer."- 'Fade Out, Fade In'

"And a nurse who is part seductress and part Attila the Hun."- Talking about Margaret Houlihan - 'The Winchester Tapes'

"I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat."

"Be it ever so crumbled, there is no place like home."- 'They Call the Wind Korea'

"Hunnicutt, I have met a lot of people in my time. You are not among them."

"It is the inalienable right of every human being to make a fool of himself."- 'Inga'

"You have ruined my appetite, and I am...grateful.

"Please excuse my tardiness; it was purely intentional."- 'The Young and the Restless'

"Max, you're a gentleman and a lady."- To Klinger - 'Ain't Love Grand'

"I do one thing at a time, I do it very well, and then I move on."

*********************


"Radar said...?"


"I'd rather be barbequed myself with an apple shoved up my face." - 'Major Charles Lamb'

"My bear went off!"- 'The Gun'

"Ya know my own father didn't have me til he was 63. And the first time we played peek-a-boo together he had a stroke."- 'Abyssinia, Henry'

"I don't think this place is turning out to be that great an experience for me. I mean I work under terrible pressure and everything and there's a lot of death and destruction and stuff but outside of that I don't think I'm really getting much out of it."- 'Fallen Idol'

"Sir, I thought it over and I was lying before when I said the baby wasn't mine. It's hers, mine, and ours...No, you guys wouldn't know me when I was in town. I mean...uh...I remember that night 'cause I took a shower. I was wearing my paratrooper scarf with nothing on underneath. I had maybe two beers and I was looking for trouble. I wanted to get a tattoo, but the guy had printed 'mother' so much that he'd run out of ink. So I was taking the jeep back home and I saw her hitching a ride by the side of the road and I stopped. And...uh...I'd rather not say anything more in front of the baby."- 'The Chosen People'

"As usual, I am writing slow 'cause I know you can't read fast."- 'Dear Ma'

"I have a message. Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors."- 'Abyssinia, Henry'

"Ahhh, Bach!"- 'Love Story'

"That's highly significant."- 'Love Story'

"Together or apart they worked as a team."- 'The Most Unforgettable of Characters'

"Look, I don't care that you don't care that I care, but I do care whether you care or not."- 'The Young and the Restless'

*********************


"Klinger said...?"


"Oh kind and weary chieftain, I hate to be a pill pooper, sir, but you have to get up." - 'No Sweat'

"Are you eating breakfast cereal or is that just a bad telephone line?"- 'That's Showbiz'

"Who put gasoline in my gasoline?!"

"Colonel Potter, sir; Corporal Klinger! I'm Section 8 head to toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra, I play with dolls, my last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts! I should be out!"- 'Change of Command'

"I'm selling pennies for a quarter."- 'The Price'

*********************


"Father Mulcahy said...?"


"She hugged the stuffing out of me!"- 'Nurse Doctor'

"I just left Radar...Now Hawkeye, please accept this in the spirit intended. You're under enormous pressure here, and I just want to know one little thing. Have you lost your mind?!"- 'Fallen Idol'

"I can't get to sleep unless I count sacrificial sheep."- 'Dear Dad'

"Well, you wouldn't expect a Sister to call her brother 'Father.'"- 'The Party'

"This isn't one of my sermons...I expect you to listen."- 'A Night at Rosie's'

"Charles, your voice'll carry better if you talk across to people, not down to them."- 'The Young and the Restless'

"You'd be surprised what a priest can get away with." - 'Out of Gas'

"I know there's a road among these potholes somewhere."- 'The Party'

"Let's not forget what it says in the good book. Love thy neighbor or I'll punch your lights out."

*********************


"Sidney said...?"


"Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye." - 'Dear Sigmund'

"I'd love to analyze you all, but I've had no training in child psychology."- 'Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler'

"Ladies and gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice!"- 'Goodbye, Farewell and Amen'

*********************


"A lot of them said...?"


"May I introduce our company commander, Colonel Potter and our company clerk, Corporal Klinger." "Cardinal." "Corporal." "Captain." "Chaplain." "Corporal." "Captain." "Colonel." "Cardinal." "Corporal..."- Father, Cardinal, Klinger, a Captain, & Colonel Potter - 'Blood Brothers'

(BURNS and FATHER MULCAHY stand in the shower)
(MULCAHY soaps himself quickly.)
BURNS: What's your hurry Father?
MULCAHY: Oh I like to get in and out fast. Give the next fellow a chance.
BURNS: Oh take your time. The nurses certainly do. Just stand in here and soap their precious bodies all over from top to bottom.
MULCAHY: Yes. (Pause) Well. (Pause) (Turns shower on fast) This cold water is a blessing!

POTTER: Can't you see he's just trying to boost morale.
BURNS: There's nothing wrong with my morale. I love it here.
POTTER: Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to decide which one.

(Charles is looking for a place to sleep because there are wounded in the Swamp and he asks Margaret if he can stay in her tent.)
CHARLES:Margaret, allow me to be frank.
MARGARET:Frank?! I beg your pardon!
CHARLES:No, no, frank with a litte 'F'! Not that other guy!
- 'Your Hit Parade'

HAWKEYE:Radar, I'd like to apologize.
RADAR:Oh yeah? Well you can just forget it. Just forget it. The hell with me, huh? The hell with you! How about that? And another thing...I wanna tell you something...anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal. I'll give you a fistful of Iowa naïveténess right in the puss. How about that?
HAWKEYE:No, let him go.
RADAR:You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself.
- 'Fallen Idol'

(Hawkeye is in the shower when BJ and Charles walk in)
HAWKEYE:I am the essence of overconfidence! I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life. I am appetite!
BJ HUNNICUTT:And I'm not taking my clothes off 'til he leaves!
- 'Inga'

FRANK BURNS:I didn't come here to be liked.
RADAR O'REILLY:You certainly came to the right place, sir.

FRANK BURNS:Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress---tonight!
KLINGER:Sorry, sir. Never on the first date.

FRANK BURNS:I've been asleep three times while he's gone on operating! You know what that means?
HAWKEYE PIERCE:Yeah, you're Sleepy. And I always thought you were Dopey. You're certainly not Doc.
- 'Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde'

PA:Attention all personnel. Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.
TRAPPER JOHN MCINTYRE:They got a lot of guts.
HAWKEYE PIERCE:And they keep serving them.
- 'Adam's Ribs'

KLINGER:I'm wearing Asian Musk. It creeps out of the night to weave its magic spell.
COLONEL POTTER:So does a skunk.
- 'Tea and Empathy'

MARGARET HOULIHAN:Isn't that Frank's bag?
TRAPPER JOHN MCINTYRE:I thought you were Frank's bag.
- 'Requiem for a Lightweight'

MARGARET HOULIHAN:You're drunk!
HENRY BLAKE:That's a dirty lie, and I intend to press charges...the minute I'm sober.
- 'The Ringbanger'

HAWKEYE PIERCE:What's on the mind of every man on this base?
TRAPPER JOHN MCINTYRE:Sex...except for the baseball perverts.
- 'Pilot'

TRAPPER JOHN MCINTYRE:What's the announcement, Radar?
RADAR O'REILLY:It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
HAWKEYE PIERCE:It should be an enjoyable sixty seconds.
- 'Bulletin Board'

HAWKEYE PIERCE:Oh yes, Sergeant Rhoden of Sears and Rhoden. Supplies a large variety of contraband even if he has to rob his mother to get it.
RHODEN:So you read my brochure.
- 'None Like It Hot'

COLONEL FLAGG:Now you took a yellow Red before a white American which is pretty Pinko.
HAWKEYE PIERCE:You're even boring in Technicolor.
- 'Rally Round the Flagg, Boys'

COLONEL POTTER:Strange woman, Portia. Likes to take her teeth out at parties.
CHARLES WINCHESTER III:Sounds like your kind of humor, Pierce.
HAWKEYE PIERCE:You just don't understand biting satire.
- 'Too Many Cooks'

(Everybody is at Rosie's Bar. BJ, Hawkeye, and Scully, an AWOL soldier, have created their own country in the bar.)
NURSE:Somebody wanted to use my underwear for a flag.
HAWKEYE PIERCE:Oh, that would be our Secretary of the Interior.
- 'A Night at Rosie's'

FRANK:Is he sleeping?
TRAPPER:No, Frank. He heard so much about rigor mortis he decided to try it.

BJ HUNNICUTT:Sorry, I'm afraid of heights.
HAWKEYE:Freud says that has something to do with sex...
BJ:My wife's only 5'1.

(Hawkeye and Trapper have played a practical joke on Frank, where they built a giant box around his bed, with him still in it.
FRANK BURNS:Get me out of here, you animals!
HAWKEYE PIERCE:Out of where, Frank?
FRANK:I'm boxed in!
HAWKEYE:We all feel that way at times, Frank.

(Hawkeye has been operating non-stop, while others have taken breaks to sleep. More wounded have come just as Hawkeye is lying down to finally sleep.)
TRAPPER:You've gone through three shifts of nurses!
HAWKEYE:Really? And I'm still hungry.
- 'Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde'

HAWKEYE:Nurse, you're out of uniform!
NURSE:Where?
HAWKEYE:How about my place in five minutes?
- 'Five O'Clock Charlie'

TRAPPER:We think it's an early abscess.
FRANK:Why call on me?

HAWKEYE:Because when it comes to puss, we always think of you, Frank.
- 'Five O'Clock Charlie'

(Charles and BJ are discussing Hawkeye.)
CHARLES:Why this constant preoccupation with sex?
BJ:Lack of occupation with sex.
- 'The Winchester Tapes'

BJ:Uh oh. Peg got poison oak.
HAWKEYE:Where?
BJ:In the woods.
HAWKEYE:That can be painful.
- 'The Winchester Tapes'

(Charles has accidentally given a patient the wrong medication. BJ and Hawkeye are helping the patient while Charles stands over them, watching.)
HAWKEYE:Will you stop worrying about yourself and think about your patient?
CHARLES:I am, for heaven's sake! You think I want this poor man to die? It'd be the worst thing to ever happen to me.
- 'The Light That Failed'

(Hawkeye is on a date with Nurse Edwina, who is notorious for her clumsiness.)
HAWKEYE:Edwina, may I kiss you?
EDWINA:Is your mouth insured?
- 'Edwina'

(The staff of the MASH 4077 are trying to impress a man sent to investigate the sanity of the unit. He may break them up, so they are trying to act like they are all buddies.)
HAWKEYE:We're thinking of going into practice together when we get home. Isn't that right, Trap?
TRAPPER:Yeah, going into practice, the three of us.
FRANK:That's right. The three of us war buddies would run the place.
HAWKEYE:Frank would park the cars.
- 'Divided We Stand'

(After the doctors' buddy sham falls through, the visiting psychiatrist tells them what he wrote in his report.  Frank has decided to take the opportunity to complain about Hawkeye.)
FRANK:And this one has no respect for decency. He turns everything into a hollow mockery!
HAWKEYE:That's a lie. I've never once taken out the insides of a mockery.
- 'Divided We Stand'

(Hawkeye is telling Frank why he told him to invest in Pioneer Aviation, a totally fictitious company he made up.)
HAWKEYE PIERCE:I made it all up to help you look foolish.
FRANK BURNS:But I don't need any help.

(Father Mulcahy, after talking to a kid who was injured, realized that he couldn't truly say that he knew what they had gone through. He bravely went to the front to pick up a wounded man and had to give him a tracheotomy with directions given over the walkie-talkies. The man survived.)
BJ:Father, I thought we had a deal. We save the bodies, and you save the souls.
FATHER MULCAHY:My, I hope I didn't violate union regulations. - 'Mulcahy's War'

FRANK:I didn't come to Korea to treat their wounded.
HAWKEYE:I'm sure they're glad to hear that.
- 'The Korean Surgeon'

(Inga and Hawkeye are talking in the Swamp. Inga mistakenly thought they were going to discuss medical things, but Hawkeye was hitting on her.)
INGA:I thought we were going to talk about Gray's anatomy, not mine.
HAWKEYE:Gray has a fabulous personality, but he's got no body whatsoever.
- 'Inga'

(Radar is smitten with a new nurse, named Lieutenant Nugent. He wants to talk to her, so he approaches her at the jukebox in the Officer's Club.)
LT. NUGENT:Do you dance, Radar?
RADAR:Uh, no. Football knee.
LT. NUGENT:You played football?
RADAR:Well, not very much. I had a bad knee.
- 'Hot Lips Is Back In Town'

FLAGG:Hey! From up close you are a guy!
KLINGER:Far away to.

HAWKEYE:And here's some shampoo.
BJ:Because we couldn't find any real poo.
- 'The More I See You'

(Charles is out walking and sees Igor, who is the cook, helping to build a new latrine.)
CHARLES:You handle our food and dig latrines?
IGOR:Don't worry, sir. I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.
- 'Goodbye, Farewell & Amen'

FRANK:I won't stand for it!
HENRY:Frank, the one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife!

FRANK:Hold it, soldier. Let me check that tray. You didn't finish your peas.
RADAR:They're hard as a rock, sir. They hurt my tooth.
FRANK:You're wasting food! Just look at that tray.
RADAR:I can't, sir. It makes me woozy.
FRANK:You didn't finish your meat.
RADAR:The meat's all fat. It...oh, no, that's the potatoes.
FRANK:Don't you realize there are people starving in Poland?
RADAR:Here, you can send them this.
- 'Movie Tonight'

(The whole camp has food poisoning from a bad turkey. Charles left on R & R, but got lost and came back. Colonel Potter has now fallen sick.)
CHARLES:Colonel, what's wrong? You look awful.
COLONEL POTTER:I'm glad you noticed. I'd hate to feel this rotten and have it just be my little secret.
- 'The Yalu Brick Road'

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"Miscellaneous Quotes"

"I was a priest longer than some priests." - William Christopher formerly known as 'Father Mulcahy'

"Look, the Army hates to see a man grin. Makes 'em feel like they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on and they'll leave you all to your lonesome. Long as they know your miserable they're happy."- Rizzo - 'April Fools'

"Attention all personnel. Come one, come all to a wake for the late, great Captain Pierce. We'll be mourning all afternoon and evening. The deceased will deliver the eulogy, and the guests will have twenty minutes for rebuttal."- PA - 'The Late Captain Pierce'

"See these fresh oranges? They don't grow on trees, you know."- Igor Straminsky

"In my short stay here, I have seen textbook examples of neuroses, psychoses; I have seen voyeurism, fetishism, and a few 'isms' I've never even heard of. And let me tell you this, General: these impossible people are in an impossible place doing totally impossible work. They're mad, quite mad, all of them, and the only act I can think of that would be madder still would be breaking them up."- Captain Hildebrand - 'Divided We Stand'

"Don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am."- Colonel Flagg - 'Rally Round the Flagg, Boys'

"The Glee Club meets in the Mess Tent at oh-eight hundred hours. The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh, Father Mulcahy's solo 'I'm Confessin' That I Love You'."- PA - 'Dear Dad'

"Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be cancelled."- PA - 'Dear Dad'

"The following men have volunteered for this afternoon's ten-mile physical fitness hike... ."- PA - 'Dear Dad'

"When filling out GI insurance forms, be sure to state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday."- PA - 'Dear Dad'

"The togetherness lecture will be followed by a talk on the perils of trenchmouth."- PA - 'Divided We Stand'

"Let me remind you the hospital is open 24 hours for your dining and dancing pleasure."- PA - '5 O'Clock Charlie'

"And now, direct from North Korea, here he is for the sixth hit week: 5 O'Clock Charlie, his airplane, and his astigmatism."- PA - '5 O'Clock Charlie'

"So as he flies, 'The Blue Lady of the Skies,' into the sunset, we say 'Aloha, 5 O'Clock Charlie' and return to our duties."- PA - '5 O'Clock Charlie'

"Attention all personnel: because of the epidemic, tonight's broken film which has not arrived yet is cancelled. A reminder from Colonel Blake: due to the flu, kindly refrain from kissing anyone unless absolutely necessary."- PA - 'Carry On, Hawkeye'

"Attention. Captain Alvin Mercer leaves for a honeymoon in Tokyo at oh-nine hundred hours. Any nurse wishing to be the bride please contact the captain. No experience necessary."- PA - 'For Want of a Boot'

"Attention all personnel: since there are no casualties again today, tonight's midnight movie will be seen at nine o'clock this morning. Also, midnight is cancelled."- PA - 'As You Were'

"Attention all personnel: tonight's movie is a holdover from last week and will be shown right after supper, which is also a holdover from last week."- PA - 'Bulletin Board'

"Santa will be there too; we can only hope he's sober."- PA - 'Dear Dad'

"Attention all personnel: tomorrow night's movie will be 'Flying Leathernecks' starring John Wayne, Ward Bond, and Maureen O'Hara. Be sure to see this one with the Marine you love."- PA - 'L.I.P.'

"Attention all personnel: by order of Major Frank Burns, lights out in ten minutes sharp. Anyone not in their own beds at that time will have to spend the night wherever they are."- PA - 'The Trial of Henry Blake'

"Will Doctors Pierce and McIntyre kindly return to the conference? They need your money."- PA - 'Deal Me Out'

"General Clark succeeds General Ridgeway who succeeded General MacArthur. And that's the news generally speaking."- PA - 'O.R.'

"Bet America to win, place, or show."- PA - 'Bulletin Board'

"It's payday. All personnel will kindly form an orderly stampede."- PA - 'Payday'

"Attention. Here's a bulletin from the truce talks in Panmunjon: after six weeks of negotiation, the U.N. and North Korea have agreed that flagpoles in the peace compound are to be thirty-two feet, six and one-quarter inches high. World leaders hail this agreement as an important step toward lasting peace."- PA - 'Dear Mildred'

"Attention. A jeep with single patient wants to meet single doctor on the double."- PA - 'Commander Pierce'

"Attention, everybody. Incoming wounded. Get yours while they last. Tell your friends."- PA - 'Bottle Fatigue'

*********************


"Quotes from the Unknown Soldiers--Please Help Identify Them!"


None at this time!


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