Below are some bad movie quotes from my film reviews pertaining to what I deemed the top ten worst movies of 2000. What is so infuriating is that movie audiences spent their precious time watching these celluloid disasters. Well, let's see if we can vent our frustration at these duds for one last time, okay?
Frank's top ten worst films of 2000 were (in alphabetical order):
1. BATTLEFIELD EARTH: "...a downright derivative dud. This excruciatingly generic sci-fi snoozer is as lame as it is remotely intriguing. The film's star John Travolta toils away at trying to breathe a sense of exhileration into this laughable, scattering boisterous exercise. This limping and over-indulgent intergalactic headache was based on Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's early 80's novel. Travolta plays a decadent Pyschlo Chief of Security Terl, a self-assured tyrant who resembles an alien albino Rastafarian with silly dreadlocks that hang off of his gigantic noggin. Everything in this sagging space saga is lacking and overwrought. Director Roger Christian doesn't seem to have control over this hackeyed, rancid material. And just try guessing how many previous sci-fi flicks you can recognize that are woefully being hijacked from this perfunctory planetary product? Believe me, it's not the Scientology influence that will convince non-members not to embrace this plodding picture...it's the stupidity of it all that will be the deciding factor. BATTLEFIELD EARTH lost the war from the moment the opening credits rolled on screen..."--Frank Ochieng, The Voicemakers
2. BEAUTIFUL: "...They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But which eye is judging director Sally Field's feature directorial debut in BEAUTIFUL, a pseudo-empathizing and underdeveloped chick flick? Field offers this manipulative and barren melodrama about a young woman named Mona Hibbard (Oscar nominee Minnie Driver) who is a Miss America Miss beauty pageant contestant trying to win that elusive crown (and instant recognition) that has eluded her since her conflicted childhood. She is also a young mother of a cute-as-a-button child named Vanessa (played by soda drink advertising wonderkid Hallie Kate Eisenberg), her offspring whom she indirectly neglects as she tries to selfishly deal with her lifelong ambition of securing pageant glory. As a director, Field lays out an uninspired drama that does not differentiate from previous looks at beauty pageant satires and the mocked self-esteem issues it confronts the young women who participate in them. Driver's character gets to play dress up in eye-catching costumes and does some campy singing but there's not much else that she contributes to her characterization as a self-absorbed "troubled" beauty contestant. She's atmospheric at best. And Eisenberg is the precious tyke who does what is asked of her--to be adorable and lamely sweet. BEAUTIFUL needs to be crowned alright, but not in the spirit that Mona Hibbard intended it to be..."--Frank Ochieng, The Voicemakers
3. BLESS THE CHILD: "...Just what did we do to deserve this derivative, unfocused, assuredly spotty supernatrual dud BLESS THE CHILD? Besides the child, we all need to be blessed by witnessing this moping monstrosity of a thriller that is as engaging as picking chest hair off of Charles Manson! This lifeless apocalyptic tale tells the story of Maggie O'Connor (Oscar-winner Kim Basinger) who is forced to care for her junkie sister's child named Cody (Holliston Coleman). It is soon realized that Cody possesses undeniable powers that are supernaturally advanced. Reckless, laughable and insanely conceived, BLESS THE CHILD is a woeful exercise that labors at achieving its thrills from exploiting children. The film, a stupendously flat knockoff to classics such as "The Exocist" and "The Omen", is so wickedly inconsolable it's a shame. Everything in this film is outrageously overstated and reductive: devil-worshipping teens that make the Addams Family look like The Cleavers, annoying computer-generated demons flying all over the place, a Jesuit priest (Ian Holm) trying to tangle with the devil in a mockish display that is so embarrassing and the occult elements that are bandied about throughout this flaccid flick. This whole mess was written by Cliiford and Ellen Green ("The Seventh Sign"). It wouldn't even take gallons of holy water in a car wash to cleanse the odious and obnoxious pretentions pertaining to BLESS THE CHILD. A total disappointment..."--Frank Ochieng, The Voicemakers
4. DOWN TO YOU: "...Writer-director Kris Isacsson astonishingly conjures up a dreck-driven youth romance comedy called DOWN TO YOU, a tepid and lackluster courtship piece. Isacsson throws together these milk toast honey bunnies in the form of dreamboy dud Freddie Prinze Jr. ("She's All That", "Wing Commander") trying to scoop his new college sweetie Julia Stiles (TV's "The '60's", "10 Things I Hate About You"). This whole abomination desperately tries to envoke a genuine sentimentality by bringing this colossally bland college-age couple together and having them emulate the notion of a cutesy, sophisticated love story for the teen set. Little does director Isacsson realize is that this whole mushy mockery regarding these two lame lovebirds is as limp as a dainty debutante's broken wrist. The film's awkwardness is detected in the banal bonding of its stars Prinze Jr. and Stiles whose spark consists of them staring at each other for fear they both would melt away. Their saccharine-coated relationship is relentlessly contrived and cloying. DOWN TO YOU is quite simply a charmless exercise in frivolous futility..."--Frank Ochieng, The Voicemakers
5. HERE ON EARTH: "...This saccharine-induced, three-way adolescent love story plays like a sedated juvenile soap opera. HERE ON EARTH feels hokey and pretentious despite its down-to-earth, class difference conflicted love triangle. This film was directed by Mark Piznarski, a TV insider who feels that this youthful western Massachusetts birch-bonding, melodramatic Rockwellian romance was a viable option to the typical silly teen romps that we are exposed to constantly. In trying to avoid the route of zany and sensationalistic teen love flicks, Piznarski ends up going to the other extreme by conjuring up a cliched' goody two shoes sentimental weeper. The film's problem--it's approach to old-fashioned romance seems so outdated and pompous. The contemporary feel to the film is unjustly compromised and Piznarski struggles to keep afloat his film as a sophisticated showcase for young passion. Both stars Chris Klein ("Election", "American Pie") and Leelee Sobieski ("Eyes Wide Shut") are talented stars who have the world in front of them in terms of their cinematic careers. But to bog them down in a yawner such as HERE ON EARTH is not the best thing for their film resumes'. Stilted and insipid dialogue, the movie's running motiff of uttering Robert Frost poems and the pointless scenes such as Klein's character labeling Sobieski's breasts as New Jersey and New York are ridiculously too much to swallow in one viewing. HERE ON EARTH may be well-meaning in its efforts but then again to a certain degree, so are some bank robberies. Maybe 13 year old girls will fall for this vapid Valentine piece in the Berkshires but somehow hopefully others won't be fooled..."--Frank Ochieng, The Voicemakers
6. ISN'T SHE GREAT: "...When presented with a generically ill-conceived title such as ISN'T SHE GREAT, one cannot resist but to answer this rather dubious question. So here goes...no, she isn't great (the movie). And no, she isn't great either (the film's star Bette Midler). There, how's that for answering this film's title in brazen fashion? Director Andrew Bergman and writer Paul Rudnick manage to concoct nothing more than that of a misguided and vastly dispirited lightweight dramedy. ISN'T SHE GREAT wants to breathe some life into the hedonistic hoopla of the sensationalistic novelist Jacqueline Susann and her bottom-of-the-barrel literary practices. However, the film never really materializes into capturing the essence of Susann's remarkable journey into her trashy mindset. She was a larger than life commodity of being this bombastic belle of sleaze with classic but tasteless best sellers such as "Valley of the Dolls" and "Once Is Not Enough" that made her a household name. But we never quite get the stirring and chaotic persona that you would think a conflicted character like Susann brings to the unstable table. Maybe ISN'T SHE GREAT was not meant to be the world's greatest biopic and that's fine. But what Bergman fails to do is offer a breakthrough about Jacqueline Susann's noted trials and tribulations. Everything in this film is sketchy and speculative at best. Bette Midler provides no believability or substantial breeziness to the role she plays. She spends most of the time grinning like an over-anxious ninny while strutting around in fluffy pink outfits that have her lookin like a robust flamingo who's about to explode. Midler's character is actually a punishing and clueless caricature floating back and forth in an uneven comedy that is blatantly anemic and shamefully shallow. Opportunites were certainly missed; ISN'T SHE GREAT could have explored the realms of a hazy-crazy Hollywood and the woman who claimed to be in the middle of it all. Glorified tension and riveting ribaldry is the main course that could have been a very appetizing meal indeed. The problem with ISN'T SHE GREAT is that we never received the menu in the first place..."--Frank Ochieng, The Voicemakers
7. THE NEXT BEST THING: "...For Madonna, Papa should preach because her latest film certainly isn't "the next best thing." With that being said, the Material Girl gets to star in an immaterial vehicle called THE NEXT BEST THING. This inert and inescapable romantic romp had everything going for it: real-life Madonna indulgences (the embracing of motherhood, yoga practices, Buddism, revolving hunky men, a prominent film director (British filmmaker John Schlesinger of "Midnight Cowboy" fame) and her reported off-screen friendship with likable actor Rupert Everett who co-stars in this film with her). Yet with all the trappings designed to accomodate Madonna's shortcomings as an actress, the results still look futile and profoundly catastrophic. Madonna stars as an LA-based yoga instructor named Abbie who yearns for a decent relationship as her biological clock is ticking away. She "accidentally" becomes impregnated by her best buddy Robert (Rupert Everett), a dashing gay landscaper. Their straight gal/gay guy friendship is tested when they become instant parents while maintaining their treasured friendship. Soon, Abbie meets an attractive businessman/fitness freak (Benjamin Brat) and she wants to pursue a relationship with him. But wait, what about poor Robert? Where does he fit into the equation? What will become of his role as father of his son who Abbie threatens to take away once she plays footsies with her new beau? Predictably, the film soon sets up the maudlin moments with a cliched' child custody battle. The promotional ad for THE NEXT BEST THING cries, "best FRIENDS make the BEST mistakes." Well, I couldn't have said it better myself. The next best thing for Madonna is to kidnap her acting instructor and demand her money back! This film was tailor-made for Madonna right down to her pretty little Buddist bones. So what's her excuse for this latest misfire? Clearly, a celebrated filmmaker like Schlesinger deserves better than to helm such a sanctimonious, mawkish paternity piece..."--Frank Ochieng, The Voicemakers
8. SCREWED: "...For those of you who thought that ex-SNL player Norm Macdonald was an absolute waste in the flaccid crude comedy "Dirty Work", then you'll get twice the treat because you can now enjoy his work in the warped and wearisome SCREWED. This asinine and clumsy comedy stars Macdonald as a participant in a kidnapping scheme. Woefully conceived from the get go, one can certainly imagine the crayons upon which this listless script was written with. The debubious debut of writer-directors Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski is indeed mindboggling regarding how they could conjure up such dreck as SCREWED. The tandem, responsible for such sensible and breakthrough ditties like "Ed Wood" and the shockingly underrated "Man On The Moon", lets their creative juices drown their sensibilities by helming this tepid, head-scratching unfunny farce. Watching this desperate and unimaginative rambunctious comedy-of-errors is like licking the cork to a poison botle. You just know that a clueless comedy like SCREWED is reaching over its head when it has to incorporate a who's who of players (Danny DeVito...why?) while having them do unexplainable outrageous things just to spark a chuckle. Wildly uneven, this gagfest will have you clamoring for a noose to hang around your neck. The only victims who get "screwed" here are the actual moviegoers who pay their box office bucks to see this fatuous display. SCREWED is completely devoid of anything creative or humorous..."--Frank Ochieng, The Voicemakers
9. 3 STRIKES: "...In the dreadfully brash comedy 3 STRIKES, first-time director DJ Pooh simply lets it all hang out which in this case is not a good thing. Pooh, who co-wrote "Fridays", serves up this assuredly mean-spirited, ignorant premise about a streetwise ex con (Brian Hooks) and his struggle with walking down the straight and narrow path in an effort to avoid the slammer for the third time. 3 STRIKES is in the tradition of these mindless, farcical urban comedies that feature exasperating hip hop homeboys involving themselves in the excesses of street life. This film is just content with being colossally dumb and numbing. It's desperate need to wallow in its negativity by producing unpolished and illiterate characters is neither charming or welcoming. Pooh seems to think that his slappy-happy streetwise vehicle is slick in its shameless over-the-top vile hipness. Tell me, what is darn amusing about repetitive prison rape jokes? Or the need to find anything endearing about sophomoric sexual innuendos? The women featured in this film are one-dimensional tacit tramps. 3 STRIKES is vindictive and hopelessly dispiriting..."--Frank Ochieng, The Voicemakers
10. WHIPPED: "...Ah, just what audiences needed to see...a pointless, urban-based sex farce that is so utterly distasteful and mammothly mindless that this movie will certainly be on my list as one of the worst pieces of dreck this or any other year! Writer-director Peter Cohen ushers out this vapid, nonsensical cinematic squalor in an effort to shock and titilate audiences into thinking that this film WHIPPED should be considered a clever and hip examination of sexual high jinks. But the underwhelming and anemic script is so uninvolving, transparent and juvenile that WHIPPED deserves to be bound and gagged indefinitely. There's nothing slick or perversely appealing about this misogynistic mishap of a movie. Totally obnoxious and insulting, WHIPPED features three pretty boy Neanderthals as free-wheeling narcissistic nimrods who use women as target practice by coaxing them into their emotional head games en route to their bedroom conquests. Then, casually over a meal, they trade sexual notes based on their provocative misadventures. They eventually encounter their match in a cunning sexpot named Mia (Amanda Peet from "The Whole Nine Yards") who puts these horny nitwits in their place. Cohen's feature film doesn't even begin to tug at the predictable conventions of a sexually sophomoric satire. The performances are blandly forced and so exaggeratingly callous that WHIPPED comes off as this stillborn, smirky toilet humor sideshow. You don't just stare at this movie, you loathe it for being so phony, disingenuous and over-the-top. Needless expletive language, masturbatory exploits, vibrating sex toys, unfunny and smug references--all this is a testament of a desperate and essentially infantile movie..."--Frank Ochieng, The Voicemakers
Now, let's recap Frank's worst films of 2000 by listing them below, shall we?
1. Battlefield Earth
2. Beautiful
3. Bless The Child
4. Down To You
5. Here On Earth
6. Isn't She Great
7. The Next Best Thing
8. Screwed
9. 3 Strikes
10. Whipped