Some antisipatory anxiety before the appointment, 5 minute wait at the most. Today my husband had to attend again too. We've decided to give our marriage another try. The Therapist seems pleased with that fact. We get right to work on how we came to that decision and also on what we expected from each other. She explains, that when people get married, they make an unconsious "Secret Contract" about what they need from their partner. Most of the time that "Contract" is based upon our upbringing. She also tries to find out how my husband got sucked into this circle of not leaving me alone. He comes to the conclusion that it had to be because I hardly ever showed him how much I loved him, and when I had the fear of being alone, that was the only time I would show him that I actually needed him. She explains to him, that growing up in a very loveless environment makes it very hard for me to have and show emotions.

We then go on to his planned trip. He is adamant about going. She says we need to make a plan on how I can get through those 3 days. I am to give the emergency number to my oldest son, who then can call her if I get bent too much out of shape. The worst case scenario would be, that if I couldn't deal with the situation at all, that she would have me hospitalized. That scares me. I had seen a psychiatrist at the hospital and that place feels inhuman to me. "No visitors for 72 hours after admission" is a sign right at the front door. That's all I need, to be locked up in a strange place and pumped full of addictive drugs. No Thank you. I almost cry. Here I thought she was on my side and there to help me, but yet she would put me through an ordeal like that.

At the end of the session she lets me decide a new goal...Trying to drive further. I'm also to write letters, that won't get mailed, to my father and my husband to see if there is some kind of similarity in what I seem to have bottled up.

TRYING to drive past the Highway week

1st day I'm so mad about the way todays session went, that I don't want to try anymore. Why bother if I'm going to wind up in the psych ward anyway? But somehow I manage to convince myself to go driving after all. I make it the whole mile again, but don't feel I can go any further today. Again I have to really convince myself that what I did was sucess.
2nd day I really had to talk to myself today to make it the whole mile, and I did it! Yeah!
3rd day Again I just made it the 1 mile. Felt like I might have been able to make it a bit further, but didn't want to jinx my progress.
4th day Today my husband left me alone for 1 hour without telling me where he was going or when he would be back. I had no way of reaching him and survived. That's pretty good. In the evening I don't feel good at all, so I just plan on doing 3/4 of the mile, but when I get there I can easily pass it up and go the whole mile. For a change I'm actually satisfied with what I did today.
5th day 1 Mile again, but sat at the entrance to the highway longer than before trying to convince myself to take that step out there, but turn back. I tried and that's what counted tonight.
6th day Start thinking about the upcoming trip and it's giving me several small panic attacks that I'm able to overcome with breathing exercises. I don't see a good reason to keep on practicing, because once he leaves and I wind up in the hospital all the practice would have been for nothing. Somehow I'm driven to practice after all that evening. 1 Mile. This is getting boring. :)I see some neighbors and I don't want them to see me fail so I turn around again. That made me mad at myself, but still looked at this practice as sucess, since I had tried.
7th day Told myself before hand that I would like to go further than before, and dog on it, if I didn't make it 1/2 mile on the highway. I was a bit anxious at the end, but sat at the turnaround spot for a few minutes till I felt I could go on. I was so pleased. Practicing every day is finally paying off.
8th day Woke up with panic attacks this morning. That hasn't happened to me in years. I'm still upset over the trip. Had serious antisipatory anxiety befor the practice, but remember that once I'm in the car it usually goes away. Today it doesn't want to leave me though. I'm anxious for the whole mile and don't go on to the highway. My first major setback, but I'm able to deal with it in a rational matter. I was in pretty bad shape when I left the house and still tried, so I was sucessful.
9th day Today was the science fair at my boys school. They had both worked very hard on their projects, so we went to school to be there for the awards ceremony. Come to find out it was prosponed. Again I have some antisipatory anxiety before practice, but once in the car I'm fine. I drive my usual mile and look at the highway, traffic is a little bit heavy, but I feel pretty good so I go on to the highway for another 1/2 mile. I have to wait at the turnaroundpoint to let traffic pass and get a little anxious, but once I'm back on the road I'm overwhelmed by this feeling of freedom I've not felt in years. At this moment I could drive anywhere so I think. :) I decide not to overdo it though and drive back home. I almost cry when I recall that feeling of freedom. That's what this practice is all about. I have to make myself get out of the car, that's how bad I want to drive again.
10th day Today was the last day of school for my boys. They always have a big awards ceremony and we also have to pick up the report cards. I'm not comfortable at all walking down the hallway of the school to the classrooms. So this morning was quite rough. Antisipatory anxiety with nausea, the whole works. We sit in the gym close to the exit, but somehow keep having to scoot over and wind up in the middle of the gym. When I think about that I get somewhat anxious, but talk myself back into, that I can still get out of there if I had to. Jamie has made the A-Honor Roll again all year and receives a trophy for that. His science project didn't make the top three though, and he just gets a certificate for participation. He's very disappointed. In the afternoon they have the awards for kids David's Age. So I'm back in the gym again. This time closer to the door. :) He wracked them trophies and certificates up big time. 1st place for his science project, 2nd place in the Geography Bee, 3rd place in a poster contest about the environment and A-Honor Roll all year. I'm so proud of him, I almost cry in front of all the people there. That evening I get anxious about the practice again, but I don't have ANY anxiety during my 1 1/2 mile drive. I even stopped at one of the neighbors for a quick chitchat on the way home.

Had a 9AM appointment and no anxiety before and during the drive there. That's pretty encouraging
After discussing last weeks progress we go on to the letters I had written to my husband and my father. She makes me realize that if I was to send the letter to my father, that it wouldn't make any difference. After all these years there's not much chance that he would have changed for the better. I had written something about my father still having power over me and we elaborate on that and it shows me, that my husband has a lot of power over me, since I had gotten agoraphobic, and therefore I've built quite a lot of resentments against him. I remember reading in one of the anxiety books, that holding on to resentment just makes the one who's holding on to it very miserable, and not the person who we resent. So what's the use in holding on to it. NONE!!!

After that we start working on the upcoming trip. She wants me to pick a small area in or at the house, that I dedicate my safe zone. I am to duct tape that area. She makes it clear that I'm not allowed to have panic attacks in that safe zone. If I choose to have an attack I have to leave the area. I also have to journal my thoughts and feelings while in the safe zone. She says that besides having my mother in law and the hospital that this will give me another option of making it through the 3 days.

The practice for this week will be driving on the days I have the car and while my husband is away, I'm to try to work on my walking further away from the house. She also wants me to do some fun things that I really enjoy.

The week of the trip

1st day My husband decides that I should drive the car home from therapy today. I'm a bit anxious about his request, since I've not driven such a distance since my last setback in almost 2 years, but think that I can always pull over and switch seats with him. I'm doing so good though, that I drive all 8 miles to the house. That really surprises me. I figured I would have to start from scratch. In the afternoon we have to go back to this town and he makes me drive those 2 miles too with him as a passenger. I feel like I'm in a dream. Back home I start thinking about the trip again, and get plum devestated. Panic attack after panic attack. I'm so exausted I take a nap. When I wake up I just cry I feel so helpless. I'm doing so well in my driving I don't want to loose any of my progress. I'm still worn out when it's time to practice. Think about taking a day off, but go anyway. It doesn't go as smooth as yesterday, but I make it the 1 1/2 miles and back home. I'm very pleased with my accomplishments today.
2nd day Had to overcome numerous onsets of panic all day long. This I's very anxious I get angry at the least little thing today too. I decide not to go driving anymore, but I feel so guilty for not going right before it gets dark, that I do go. I only make it 1 mile tonight, and that's ok, because I've got a problem driving in the dark too.
3rd day I cried all day. It feels as if my husband is abandoning me. I beg him not to go on this trip, but he's set on going. He leaves at 1.00 AM. That starts a night of very little sleep.
4th day I spent most of the day in the safe zone I created. It gets very rough at times trying to keep the panic from escalating to full blown attacks. I follow the advice of my therapist and tell myself that I'm not allowed to panic in the safe zone, or that I don't have time for the panic right now, for it to come back later if it has to. I cut one of my Ativans into quarters and try to take one, but the fear of the medication is worse than the fear of panic. I'm not very good company, but my mother-in-law asks us to eat supper with them. I'm not able to eat much. If I wasn't so nauseous I think I'd be coping better. That evening my husband calls me, and I ask him to return the next day. He gets very mad at me, but agrees to leave the next day at noon. I spent some time on the internet talking with all the great people I've met in various panic chat groups. After going to bed I fall right asleep and get a good nights rest.
5th day My mother-in-law knows how to destract me. We go yardselling. I love getting a good bargain. When I come back home I look for e-mail from my husband or a phonecall, but nothing. I think about calling him, but the fear of that he might not have left yet keeps me from doing that. I miss him so bad, and can't wait for him to walk in the door. I didn't have any anxiety whatsoever all day long. I'm wondering now, if it's due to the fact that I know he will be home soon, or whether I actually beat this monster. When I don't hear anything by 10.00 PM I call to find out if he is still at his friends house, when I'm told that he had left at 2.00 PM. That should get him here at 11.00 PM. I start getting very worried. All kinds of things could have happened to him on that long drive. Finally at 11.30 he calls me, he had pulled over and slept a few hours. What a relief. He's ok.
6th day He got home at 4.00 AM and boy is he pissed at me for making him come home early. So instead of having a great reunion we fight a while and then I'm informed that at the end of the month he is going back for 3 more days to finish his trip. I get very depressed and almost forget the great feeling of independance I had gotten while alone. That night I go practicing with the thoughts that if I can stay alone, I can do anything. Well I made it a few feet further than the 1 1/2 miles I had been able to drive before the trip and am very disappointed with myself - more depression. I had too high of expectations of myself again.
7th day Antisipatory anxiety before practicing. My son wants me to get a Gallon of milk while I'm out. I'm thinking I can do that. So I pull into the parking lot of the little neighborhood grocery store, which is right before my 1 1/2 mile mark, and I sit there and sit there and just can't get out of the car. So I head back home without milk. I tried and that's what was important. It has been years since I actually drove to a store and went in it by myself. I'll just keep practicing.

No antisipatory anxiety before the drive to the Appointment. My therapist is surprised how well I did during my husbands absense. I tell her about the abandonment issues and that he's ready to leave again. She explains to me that if he keeps wanting to go and me CHOOSING to stay behind, that that could cause further complications in our marriage, but doesn't nessessarily have to be the case. She assures me that it was not my fault that he came back early, but yet was his CHOICE.

We also talk about my perfectionism and that that kind of thinking could have contributed to the start of the agoraphobia. She also compares me to my father, which I've picked up lots of his traits. I think I've got so many different issues, that she has a rough time figuring out which one is the real culprit.

At the end of the session we pick a new goal. I am to drive to the store each day and sit in the parking lot until I'm comfortable enough to go in.

I drive home from the therapy session with my husband as a passenger.

The week of driving to the store

1st day No antisapatory anxiety before the practice. I decide to go a little bit further than the 1 1/2 miles. I can't find a place to turn around so I wind up going to the parking lot of a bigger store. This will be the store I'll go in by myself one of these days. I get such a rush. I've not made it this far since I got panic. I'm so happy with myself.
2nd day Had another fight with hubby. I don't want to go practicing, but I know I have to. I make it to the big store again. This time I'm a bit anxious when I head back home. I think it's due to the fact that I realized I'm on the other side of the railroad tracks and if a train was to come, I'd be cut off till it passed. I tell myself that I could deal with that if it came down to it. So tonight was another sucess. Practice is paying off.
3rd day Watched "Twister" on HBO and got quite anxious and then it's time to practice. I make it a little bit past 1 mile when I'm so dizzy, that I decide to turn around. So I have to deal with another setback. I tried, even knowing I wasn't feeling well and that's what counts.
4th day I'm tired when I go practicing. I go all the way to the big store again. Even sit in the parking lot for a few seconds, that's all I can handle tonight before I head back home. So tonight I learned that even knowing I had quite a big setback yesterday, I could pick myself up and get right back on track.
5th day Some antisipatory anxiety about practicing. While I'm driving I get all kinds of weird thoughts about panic. Try to refocus and make it 1 1/2 miles. So another setback for tonight.
6th day Felt bad all day, even had a close call with a panic attack while out in town with the family earlier. Later it's a quick decision about going practicing, so no antisipatory anxiety. I need to get to a store 1 mile away. I park the car and walk in the store. I'm a little anxious while paying for the stuff, but am able to get back in the car and head home. That wasn't bad for a first time try.
7th day Quick decision to go practicing, so no antisipatory anxiety again. I drive to the big store again. All I can do is drive through the parking lot and head home.