Was very anxious during the drive to the therapy session. Figured the therapist would be mad, because I had given up, but she said that saying I've temporarily suspended my recovery sounded better than "I've given up", but if that's what I wanted to do, that we would change the treatment plan. I tell her to hold up on that.

Since my husband went with me this time, he tells her all the "bad" things I do, what a bad mother and wife I am. She explains to me that "normal" people let their partners travel if they can't go with them without throwing crying fits. The Therapist would also like to start seeing the kids. I'm totally against that. In a way I'm afraid they will say something I wouldn't want to hear, or that she might find some way to take them away from me, since my husband has always told me, that once I went to therapy, that they could do that. I felt like her and my husband were ganging up on me. I just don't trust this therapist anymore. Maybe it's time to find a different one.

Then we start working on the fighting issue. She explains to us, that fighting doesn't solve anything, and if after 5 minutes there is no resolution to a problem, we need to take a time-out. She gives us a couple of exercises for the next week. We are each to pick a topic from the internet that's neutral, and tell each other about it for 30 minutes. And we have to listen to each other. Also I'm to talk about my feelings about something bothersome for 15 minutes in the "I-Statement" (instead of "you do such and such" say "I feel so and so when you do such and such")and my husband has to listen and not say anything about that until 24 hours later, when it's his turn to reply with an I-Statement, while I listen and not say anything till 24 hours later and so on for the next week.

At the end of the session she wants me to pick an exercise just for my panic. I can't think about anything I want to do, so she asks me all kinds of questions about appetite, sleeping habits etc. and comes to the conclusion that I'm depressed and suggests that I take antidepressants. NO WAY!!! She assures me that SSRI's are not physically addictive. I try to argue with her about that, but I have no chance on wining that arguement. (That's just my opinion of medications and isn't in any way meant that somebody else shouldn't take medications.) She says it's my choice and that depression usually disappears on it's own after about 5-6 month anyway. I want to disagree on that point too, but keep my mouth shut. I'm definately mad when we leave the session.

The week of communicating with my husband

1st day We go shopping at Walmart after the session and I have a full blown panic attack in there. I wanted to run so bad, but managed to talk and breath my way through it. After we got home we get into a fight. That evening I'm thinking about driving again. I get the car key back. My husband is thrilled and tells me to just sit in the car. On one side I'm glad that he don't expect much, but on the other side I wonder why he would let me get away with so little. Doesn't he want me to get better or just not push me too hard? When I get in the car I start it up and just think I'll go as far as I can. I have mild anxiety during the drive and make it 1 Mile. I might have went further but heard the whistle of a train (that's a different phobia of mine). I'm ok with what I accomplished, since I figured it to be much harder then what it turned out to be.
2nd day Had to go to Walmart again. Lots of antisipatory anxiety on the way there and small panic attacks once in the store. I manage to make my husband mad again and he ignores me the rest of the afternoon. That evening I go for my practice. I turn around just before getting to the big store. I probably could have made it all the way there, but didn't want to push too hard. So again I'm pleased with my trying.
3rd day Another fight and I don't practice.
4th day The weather is really bad, so I don't go for the practice drive. When it's all over we don't have any electricity. As soon as it gets dark I get very anxious. Sure we have candles and propane lanterns, but it's still sort of dusk in the house and that's giving me several small panic attacks. My husband and I are forced to talk to each other. We get a small radio, listen to some music and start playing cards and that keeps me distracted till I go to sleep
5th day Still no electricity, so no airconditioning either. It's supposed to be above 90 F today, which scares me right back into an attack. I have a terrible time when it's that hot. Well, if all else fails I can go sit in the car awhile or jump in the pool and cool off. Then I get busy trying to get organised for another possible night without electricity. We borrow a generator and try to keep all the food in the freezer from melting. Then we have to get more gas to power it, but the whole town is without power, so the gaspumps don't work. The grocery stores are closed due to the outage. Now what? At least the cigarette store is open. And while there the electricity comes back on. So we get everything we needed to get and things get back to normal. I am so relieved. That evening I'm just relaxing. Honestly I forgot all about practicing, but tomorrow I'll definately go again.
6th day Had serious antisipatory anxiety about the practice, but went anyways. I wanted to turn around several times, but was tail gated by another car and therefor had to go all the way to the 1 mile spot. I'm wondering why I keep trying since I'm not moving forward. Guess I'm still hoping that "Practice makes Perfect".
So the only real theraputic communicating with my husband, that happened this week, was during the power outage. Boy are we in trouble.

I didn't really feel like going to Therapy today, but we went anyways. At least I had no anxiety or panic on the way there. This is a joint session again. We told her right off, that we didn't do the exercises. She didn't seem to be too surprised. He starts to make himself look like Superdad and I'm the evil mother. She asks me about my feelings. I'm mad as hell, that's how I feel. I mention to her that I thought him and her were ganging up on me. She assures me, that's not her intention, that she is just showing him that he has no reason for blaming me about him choosing to stay with me at home.

We talk briefly about his upcoming trip next week and deside to have a single session the day before to help me cope with his absence.

For this weeks exercise she wants us to pick something that will meet both of our emotional needs. He wants 1 hour each day without any outside or electronical interferance where we just talk to each other. I can agree to that, but am afraid that some days I might not have anything to say. She points out that there will be one problem: We have to decide on a time when it doesn't interfere with either of our "busy" days. We settle for after supper. She wants us to talk about what we like about each other, because there must still be something there to keep us together and trying to solve our problems in therapy.

Another week of communicating with my husband and a short family trip

1st day On the way home I start thinking about him leaving in 4 days and get very depressed. All I want to do the rest of the day is cry. After supper we sit down to talk. He can't name any good qualities without adding negatives to them, that hurts. I try to just mention the possitives. He starts talking about his trip and I just get more mad and depressed. Then I do my practice drive. Made it 1 mile again, sat there for a second or two and turned towards home. I get so disgusted and mad at myself for not trying harder, which leads to more depression
2nd day I'm still very depressed. That afternoon my husband tells me, that he's cancelled his trip, because the people he was going to see were really busy right now. I'm so happy and relieved. Later that day he gets really depressed and I suggest we start practicing on me going on longer drives with him. He's all for that and we plan a short trip(45 miles) for next week. That evening I'm able to drive 1 1/4 miles, despite having to wait in traffic. I'm so thrilled that I'm back on the main highway again.
3rd day Major fighting going on today, so bad, that I decide I would be better off alone than under this constant blaming and fighting. I ask him for a divorce.
4th day Well, things got worked out again. Despite feeling very unrealistic I went for the practice drive that evening. 1 Mile with a few minutes of thinking of going ahead and getting on the highway, but decided not to do it, since I already had to use coping messages ("Distressing but not dangerous") to get this far. I tell myself, that at least I've tried.
5th day Cancelled the therapy appointment since I didn't need any coping strategies since the trip was cancelled, but felt very guilty doing that. After supper we talk. I get a horrible cramp in my left side of my chest and arm. I play it down, since it gets better after a while. Used to I would have freaked out and concluded the worst. I go for my practice drive, even knowing the unrealistic feeling returns. 1 Mile again, sitting at the entrance of the highway for several minutes and then heading home. I felt sort of disappointed that I couldn't make it further, but told myself Sucess is in Trying.
6th day No practice today.
7th day I'm very unsure of myself about the joint trip today and think about backing out, but once I think possitively about going, I'm calm enough to go. As soon as we leave the familiar areas about 12 miles from the house I start getting anxious, and after another 5 miles all coping statements and strategies give out. I make him pull over since I'm hyperventilating, have to breathe into a paper bag to calm down and we head towards home. He is mad and the kids are disappointed. So I've let myself be beat by this panic monster again. I'm so mad at myself for not trying harder. All I want to do is cry. I should have known that I wouldn't make it. I try to look at this possitively, but the negativity wins. I quit. I'm not putting myself or my family through another disappointment like that. It's useless to keep fighting this disease. I have no strength left to keep going. I can't blame my family for not wanting to be with me. I'm not much good for much anymore. I just want to die, but am too afraid that I might screw that up too.
8th day through 13th day Normal days without fights or any kind of practice. Actually think we're getting along better

Another joint session. The therapist asks how we're doing and I start to say pretty good, when my husband starts with all kinds of accusations again. Especially my unwillingness to bring the boys into this therapy. I tell her of my fear of loosing the boys (my husband told be before starting therapy years ago, that once I started going to that "place" they would take the boys away) and also the fear of what they might say, that I would be ganged up on again. She assures me, that just because we have family problems, that's no reason to loose the children. I don't trust her though.

Then he goes on about me not letting him go on other trips since he's cancelled the last one. I explain that we really can't afford anymore trips right now. The Therapist explains to us, that fighting over money is a cover-up for underlying problems and power struggles. Since my husband has no idea about our finances she suggests that I get all the info together and show him in the next session. She also suggests for him to start individual therapy since he seems to have several issues. He's not interested in that though.

We then go on to my "progress". I tell her that I've totally given up, that I don't see any reason why I should keep trying at something I'm continuously failing at. The Therapist explains it, that it's the same like getting up every morning. We keep doing it, not knowing what the day brings. I tell her about the attempted family trip and not making it there. She asks me what would have happened had my husband not turned around. I explain my thoughts of calculating the distance and then thinking that I wouldn't have been able to make it back home had the anxiety gotten any worse. I tell her I'd rather stay at the house than to keep failing. She says that next weeks exercise will be for me NOT to leave the house, NOT to get in the car. I don't like that at all, and explain that I have to get groceries. She says my husband can go get them. I tell her that I'm not going to do that, since then I would be afraid of getting housebound again. She wants to know what I'm willing to do and I can't come up with anything. So, in a very stern voice, she tells me that I have to sit in the car for 1 hour again each day and journal my thoughts. She can tell that I'm mad and wants me to talk about that anger, but I have no way to explain it.

Another week of sitting in the car.

1st day Feeling like I deserve to sit there and blaming myself
2nd day Lots of flashbacks to my childhood
3rd day Angry at everybody for making me do this, angry at myself for not speaking up in therapy and refusing to do this. Decided not to finish this exercise. I'm not doing this for 2 weeks. (Therapist will be on vacation next week)
4th day through 15th day No practice or progress.
16th day Started reading the Anxiety Workbook again, but got all depressed and thought of many incidents in my childhood regarding being left or feeling alone. Had lots of trouble going to sleep

The drives to the next town where the Therapist is, are getting much easier, hardly ever anymore antisipatory anxiety or trouble during the drives. After last night I felt I needed a single session, so my husband waited on me in the car.

As usual the Therapist asked me, how I've been. I tell her that it was just me and her from now on, no more marriage counseling, and that I only did the exercise for 3 days. Then she drops the bomb on me. She says we need to decide what to do about my therapy, due to the fact that she will quit in 8 weeks or sooner, and that I'm so unwilling right now to do what I'm told. Great, I think, that means I have to start all over again. She asks me how I feel about that. I tell her that there is nothing I can do about it and therefor have to accept it. She says she will transfer my case to a different therapist, if I'm still willing to work on this, but will help me break the connection we've had over the last few month. She explains that it's quite normal to feel angry, sad or even mad at her leaving. Deep down I feel like I'm being abandoned by her. I tell her that and about having flashbacks to my childhood last night. I get quite emotional, but try to keep control. She asks me if I ever let go and just have a good cry. I do, but only if I'm by myself. She wants to know about the childhood memories, which makes me more emotional, but still I try to keep control. She tells me to just let go, let it come out. I do. She explains to me, that suppressing the bad feelings has a bad side effect, it means suppressing the good feelings too, and she's convinced that my panic attacks are my way of "dealing" with those suppressed feelings. That those feelings are so bad in my minds opinion, that panic is nothing compared to them. I tell her that I'm tired of being plagued by those same old thoughts and that I want to get on with my life. She decides that the best way right now would be to rigourously work on those hidden feelings, to get them to the surface and we will be working on that until she leaves.

I don't feel right the rest of the day, always on the verge of tears. Why can't I find a therapist who can help me???