Gabi's Home away from Home

18th Session: 31. July 1998

During the last week I had many flashbacks to the death of my grandmother in 1978. I thought I had dealt with it already, but when I talked to the therapist about it, tears wouldn't quit flowing. She said I HAD dealt with the death itself, just not the anger towards my father for ignoring his mothers death.

19th Session: 7. August 1998

This was an afternoon apointment and I had quite a bit of antisipatory anxiety about riding in the car this late in the day. But like always I was ok once I got to the therapists office. Since I've not had any more memories of my childhood, we go on to me feeling more anxious the last few days. Part of it is the strain on my marriage by the constant fights with my husband, because he wants to travel and I can't. And the other part is, that my kids will start back to school in a few days. I'm terrified again of walking down that hallway. The therapist has me describing the hallway which causes me so much distress. So we work on a plan on how to handle it. She tells me, that I'm not ALLOWED to panic there, that if I CHOOSE to, I have to leave. I tell her that I've tried that strategy with riding in the car and that it didn't work. She says, that's because I don't believe myself or my family.

We also talk about what happens when my husband is with me or gone. That I feel safe while he's here, yet while he was gone into the mountains a few days ago, I was just as safe. That he is not the reason for my panic when he's gone, but that it's my thoughts and perceptions and the answer lies within ME.

Then we talk about the time that my attacks started getting more severe. Come to find out I was mad, sad and felt betrayed about the way the decision to come to the US was reached. Would I do it again? Honestly, I don't think so. She tells me, sometimes it's better to leave a relationship, than to live in sickness. For next week I am to write about these questions: What purpose does a panic attack serve? Why do I have panic attacks? What does being alone or feeling lonely bring to mind?

During the week

I got a big surprise. My mom let me know that she had called my dad to let him know that I was having so many problems that seem to have to do with being estranged to him. She had given him my address and phone number and supposedly he would contact me. This made me very mad. I have no idea what I would say to a man I haven't talked to in 18 yrs, who I don't even feel like he's my father anymore. A few days later I found out she had met with him, and that he was very nice, even had some regrets about how the divorce and splitting us kids up had been handled. Yet he is totally scared of his current wife and wanted to keep the meeting a secret. He had given the house my great-grandfather build from scratch to my stepmother's daughter. That definitely pissed me off. Then he said he tried to call me several days in a row, but I was never at home, and he could only call while his wife wasn't around. Hellllloooo. I'm agoraphobic. So we know what's still more important to him than his children. What a liar. He hasn't changed one bit. Mom says I should be nice to him if he does call me. How can I be nice to somebody who doesn't give a damn about me??? In a way I'm glad mom did this, because now I know for sure there is no way the relationship between my father and I can ever be salvaged. I had always hoped for a reunion, but now that there might be a chance I am very reluctant to even try. I'm very afraid of getting disappointed or worse, thrown away again.

Well, it's my birthday. And at 7am the phone rings. "Happy Birthday Gabi, your mom and I have made up. She told me you weren't doing so good." are the first words I hear. I'm still halfway asleep and totally perplexed. "You woke me up and yes I do have some problems" is my reply. He then says: "Well if you ever need or want anything, let me know and here is my phone number." I write it down after scrambling for pencil and paper. And then he ends the conversation with: "Well again a Happy Birthday and Bye." And he hangs up the phone. I'm still totally perplexed, but the more I think about the conversation, the mader I get. How dare he think after 18 yrs of not one word, letter or phonecall, that he can just pick up where he left off before I moved out. He wouldn't tell me Happy Birthday back then ( I moved out on my 18th birthday).
My husband forgot my birthday till later on in the day. I'm quite disappointed over that.

I have no problems walking the dreaded hallway at school, but when I get home I miss my kids terribly. I have to use some serious self-talk, like "They have to go to school", "Teachers do not take away kids, they have a different kind of bond with them than parents", so I don't have a full blown attack.

More fights with my husband.

20th Session: 17. August 1998

The therapist is already waiting for me, even knowing I'm a few minutes early. I tell her what went on last week and she can understand why I wouldn't trust my dad, but wants to know why I trust my moms changes. She says change is good. To me change is very scary. I tell her that I've always been sort of scared of being alone. Why, I have no idea. This is another very emotional session, cause I want my old life back. She says I can consciously want it back, but something is holding me back on the subconscious level. My mind has to click either realizing what I get out of having panic or by exercises to show myself that nothing is dangerous. She suggests the book "The Cinderella Story-Women's hidden fears of Independence"

Homework: Write about "Do I really want a life without panic?"

21st Session: 24. August 1998

I have a terrible time on the ride to the therapy appointment. Have to conquer several attacks and severe nausea. I tell her about a week of worrying about another trip my husband wants to take and several fights because of it. Also we talk about my constant worry about the kids being in school. She says it's ok if I'm trying to protect my kids from harm (physical and emotional) as long as I'm not protecting them from my demons.

22nd Session: 31. August 1998

I'm quite anxious about the ride to the appointment. My therapist tries to find out where the need for me to control everything in my live is coming from. Only explanation I have is to avoid the horrible feelings during the panic attacks. She says: " What makes you so darn special that you can go through life on a powder puff without pain or feeling uncomfortable". I am so mad, how dare she talk to me like that, but don't say nothing about it. Then she wants to know who from my past showed me that is was ok to control things and people. It was my father. I get very emotional because I've tried so hard not to be like him, but am like him. My therapist reminds me that I'm not like him in EVERYTHING. And also that he didn't do all the stuff he did to be mean, yet it was just the best way he knew how to be a parent. She says panic usually signifies something else we're afraid to face.

Next we talk about my husbands upcoming trip. I have no idea how I'm going to cope with him being gone again. She wants to know if I'd go as far as killing myself. I don't think so. Pretty much too afraid that I would mess up and wind up in worse shape than I'm already in., So I just have no other choice than to deal with whatever happens while he's gone. She wants me to keep telling myself "I CAN deal with it". I have a tough time saying that. And when I finally do, I don't believe it. She reminds me that I've dealt with being alone before and that not everything in life is comfortable. She wants me to face the fear and deal with it instead of avoiding it all the time. I have to learn that panic DOESN'T kill me.

She tells me a little story: A dog walks on the railroad tracks, train comes, dog starts running, but instead of getting of the tracks it keeps running on the tracks. Morale of the story is, that we focus so much on the problem, trying to avoid it, that we don't see all the other options available to us.

We talk about my son's problems of not wanting to do his homework. She suggests he might learn from me, that you don't have to do what you don't want to do. She says he has to learn, that if he don't do the work he'll get bad grades. I can't accept that and tell her I'd rather keep on him to do the work instead of him messing up his grades. That eventually he'll get used to the work and start doing it independently.

During the week of my husbands trip

I'm quite emotional, because I can't get it out of my mind that my husband would want to leave me at home while he's off having fun somewhere far away. I want to be able to say "Honey go and have a good time, but those words don't exist in my vocabulary anymore since fear has such a hold on my life. We get into several fights and when the time comes for him to go I try every way I know to stop him from going. I even hold on to his legs begging him to stay and he drags me around in the driveway. He decides to wait till I'm asleep and sneak off then. That night I wake up every hour or so in total anxiety, but I'm able to always go back to sleep.

The next day I'm sort of anxious, but with the help of my created Safety Zone from before I manage to stay in control of myself. That evening I have to deal with my sons loss of a classmate due to a heart attack.. I must say I'm surprised how cool and collected I managed the situation. I wind up having to visit my mother in law because the anxiety got overwhelming afterwards, but when I went to bed I fell right asleep.

Saturday morning I wake up feeling great, like I have so much confidence now, like I could conquer panic forever. And here comes another mishap. My sons' and I get attacked and stung by Yellow Jackets while outside in the yard splashing water on each other. I feel like my face is swelling and get scared, but once I tell myself I'm fine I get ok and know that I was just close to panic. By that evening I get worried because my husband hasn't called me to let me know he made it to his destination ok and isn't back early by chance either. So I start looking for some info and people who could track him down. Just as I'm ready to call the police the phone rings. It's him. What a relief. But as the conversation continues I get this funny feeling that he isn't where he says he is. No more anxiety though and I have a restful night.

Sunday morning I get more bad news from Germany. Now my family there is in turmoil and I try to smooth things over for them with no luck. Yet I'm anxiety free all day and when my husband walks in that evening I'm happy to see him. He even brought me back 4 new self-help books on panic. I get more and more intrigued about where he was, till I find a receipt with a stores address nowhere near where he was supposed to have been. Also he was supposed to have driven about 500 miles, turns out he drove over 1000 miles. It pretty much confirms my suspicions that he went to see his online friend instead of where he said he was. After I confront him he makes it sound like it's all in my messed up mind, but when I catch him in another lie he finally admits it. I am so hurt and feel so betrayed. I start packing my suitcases and call my mom to send me some money so I can come to Germany. She refuses and tells me I need to cool down for a few days first so I don't regret the decision to leave my husband. Great now I'm stuck here.

23rd Session: 8. September 1998

I tell my counselor about my husband's trip. She says I need to set some ground rules at home and until I TRULY want recovery and don't want to be my husband's NEEDY woman anymore all the therapists in the world couldn't help me. She suggests that maybe I might not be feeling what I should for him, but I've had actual feelings emerge while he and I were hugging. She is pleased with that progress. She mentions that for changes to work, one has to make them and the other has to accept them in a relationship of anykind.

More fights with my husband during the week.

24th Session: 15. September 1998

The ride to therapy is rough. High anxiety most of the way there. Today my therapist suggests lots of relaxation since I've got so much marital stress. It just seems hard to make the time to relax. She explains to me, that for kids to learn how to walk has to be the scariest thing in life because they keep falling down, yet out of curiosity for what's out there for them, they keep trying until they succeed. If a toddler can learn how to walk, I can learn hot to beat my panic monster. She also wants me to read some books on Inner Child work.

25th Session: 21. September 1998

Another rough ride to therapy. This time the anxiety is there during the whole ride. I don't even want to go, but know I have to. I manage to make it with the help of all my coping statements and strategies and survive like always. I tell my therapist about this and also about almost having an attack at the grocery store the day before. She wants to know how long this has been going on and come to find out it's related to my husbands trip. I don't understand why this is still bothering me, cause we've made up and seem to be back on track. She says our minds work in mysterious ways on the subconscious level. I could have decided not to let something like this happen again, therefor deciding to need him more by having panic more often. She says it's great though that I'm using all the coping methods to show myself that it's just uncomfortable and not dangerous.

Next we do a guided imagination exercise, where my therapist is driving me to California. I'm quite anxious at first knowing that she wouldn't just turn around for me. She says "SO WHAT, You've been uncomfortable before". She is right. We continue on our imaginary trip. Once there though I get afraid again, of being away from home so far. Again she repeats. "SO WHAT, You've been uncomfortable before". She wants to know if I'd prefer somebody do me this way or always giving in to my wishes to turn around. I know that I would have to take the risk in order for me to recover, but it is so scary to even try something like that in real life. She says I should tell myself that I'm driving tomorrow. That way I would get really mad at myself for not doing it. She says I need to be pushed, yet need to learn how to push myself so I won't give up again.

We also talk about my worst fear if I got angry at somebody. First thing that comes to my mind is being thrown away by that person. She explains, that most people have quite a tolerance for other people being mad at them, and just because I get mad at them doesn't mean they will ignore me and throw me away.

This was my last session with this therapist. She wishes me good luck with the next one and says she will check with him every now and then to see what progress I'm making since they are good friends.

More fights with husband during the next few weeks.

26th Session: 22. October 1998

Big time anticipatory anxiety about going to see this new therapist. This will be the first time I'll be seeing a man, always had women therapists before. He tries to make an association with school and panic attacks, smells, sounds, sights anything that might trigger them. I can't come up with anything, only the fact that I had lots of trouble when I was going to school. He says, looking into the past is good, yet practice is better. He believes in distraction while practicing, especially classical music. He says never to listen to depressing or uplifting music. Loves visual desensitization and medications. I really didn't get anything out of this session, but I'll give him another try next time.

Right now I'm reading (Buy the Book Today!), hoping it'll give me some insight to why we have so many marital problems.

I'm also heavily into the Oprah Show on "Change your Life". This one was on Self-Love. You write the following sentence for every needed situation,
With regard to ______________________, I forgive myself for thinking I ever did anything wrong. (We did the best we could at the time)

Plus I'm trying to feel the hurt and anger I've suffered as a child. This is some tough stuff to work on.

27th Session: 11. November 1998

The therapist feels that he can't really help me with my problem and says it's best if we quit our sessions. He says since they're so shorthanded right now it might be after Christmas before a new one would be available to me, but promises to leave my file open so I won't have to go through all the past over and over again.

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