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Click here for the Cartoon of the Day from Bravenet! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad gets his hair cut, she stands next to the barber hair eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie" She says, "Yes, I know; I'm gonna get boobs too. |
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There was a small, yellow frog who wanted to be green like all of his friends. So he went to the Witch of the Woods to get his wish. When he got there, he said, "I want to be all green." So the witch waves her magic wand, and *poof*, he was green, all except his unmentionables. He looks down and says to the Witch, "What's up with this?" The witch states nonchalantly, "I don't do those parts. Go see the wizard." The frog thinks to himself that it's no problem, since he's pretty good friends with the wizard. So off he goes. It just so happens that there is a red squirrel with the same problem; he wants to be gray like the rest of his friends. So he goes to the Witch and asks for the same thing. She agrees to do himthe favor, and *poof*, the squirrel is all gray except for the you know what. The squirrel looks at himself and complains to the Witch, "What's the problem?" The witch just looks at him and says, "Go see the Wizard for it." "I would," said the squirrel, "but I have no idea where he is." "That's fine," says the witch, as she points down the road. "Just follow the yellow prick toad." |
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The Best reasons ever for not keeping your New Years exercising resolution!! 1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where she is nor which way she went. 2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 5) I don't exercise at all. If god meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. 6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 10) I don't job. It makes the ice jump right out of my gl |
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THE FISHING TRIP ..... A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation .... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with y |
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MR. FIX-IT ...... Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the kind and were sentenced to die on the same day. The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade -- and stopped an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free. Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head up," said the chemist. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade -- and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free. Finally, the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" asked the executioner. "Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem |
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FRESH ALL OVER ...... The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bot |
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HANDS-ON EXPERIENCE One day a bunch of workers were digging a hole. While the men were digging, there was a supervisor telling them where to dig. The men in the hole figured that the supervisor was getting paid more for doing less. They sent a worker up to ask the supervisor whey this was the case. The supervisor said, "Because I'm smarter than you. That's why!" The worker argued with this man for a while. So the supervisor pulled the worker aside and brought him to a nearby telephone pole. He put his hand on the telephone pole and said, "Hit my hand." The worker said, "Nah, I ain't gonna hit your hand!" But the supervisor insisted. So, the worker tightened his fist and tried to hit the supervisor's hand. But the supervisor pulled his hand away, and the worker hit the telephone pole with full force, causing his hand to bleed. The supervisor said, "See. that's why I'm smarter than you." The worker went back to the hole with his bloody hand and started digging again. the other workers came up to him and asked, "What did he say?" the worker replied, "Let's put it this way ..." then he paused. He looked around and said, "Well, there don't seem to be any telephone poles around here." So he put his hand in front of his face and said, "Alright, try to hit my hand |
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EXACT CHANGE ...... A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer." The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender. "Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but, I can't accept that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles B |
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REMEMBER ...... "IT'S NOT NICE TO LAUGH AT PREGNANT PEOPLE" A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. Se immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so shw moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself. BUT .... when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud. "Case Dismissed" said the ju |
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BEANS .... Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but he always had a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction to them. Then one day, he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She is a sweet and gentle girl and will never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans. Soon they married, and some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe. The odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that if he just had a small bowl, he would be able to work off any effects before reaching home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, he put-putted. After he finally reached his home, he felt reasonably sure that he had putted out the effects of his last bean. His wife seemed somewhat restless and excited to see him and exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. Then she went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear tuned on the phone conversation his wife was having, he went on like this for another 10 minutes until he heard her say her final farewell, which indicated the end of his freedom. He quickly placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it nd sat there smiling contentedly to himself. When his wife returned she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At that point, she removed the blindfold and revealed his surprise. Twelve guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday din |
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THE PORSCHE-911 TURBO .... A young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Porsche-911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest, most expensive cars in the world, costing about $100,000. He takes it out for a spin, and while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man in a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. He looks over the sleek shiny surface of the car, and says, "What kin'a car ya got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "a 1997 Porsche-911 Turbo. they cost about $100,000." "that's a lotta money," replies the old man, "why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour" states the young man proudly. The moped driver asks, "can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window, andlooks around. Leanaing back on his moped, the old man says, "that's a pretty nice car, all right." Just the, the light turns green. the young man decided to show the old guy what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds, the speedometer reads 110 MPH. Suddently, he notices a dot in his read view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, Whhoooooossssshhh! something whips by him, going much faster. "What on earth could be going so much faster than my Porsche-911 Turbo?" the young man asks him. Whoooosssshhh! it goes by again, heading in the opposite direction. And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Nah, couldn't be", thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Porsche-911 Turbo? .. Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! Whooooosssshhhh - blam! it plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It IS the old man! And, of course, both he and the moped are in bad shape. He runs to the old man and says, "Your're hurt -- bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans, and replies, 'YES. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror! |
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A 55-year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the room and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look rediculous. what on earth are you doing?" She says "I just got my check-up and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah right. and what did he say about your 55 -year old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up." |
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_____ /' '\ / /'''\ \ \ _ /oo\_/ ( _ ) ' \ /' /\ \ \/ / /\ / / _ _ \ \ \ \____/ / \/ \/ ll ll ll ll ll_ _ _ll l_____l lll /Y\ '''''' A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl "Nothing but the best for my little kitten." the girl at the cash register said: "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. a lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. ,----.... /\~~/\ ( { o;o } \ ) _ ' ~~ \,,,/ ,,/ \,,,/\,,/ They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought the most expensive dog cookies, one for each day of Christmas. the cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated, she went home, came back and brought in her dog. __ ---- _ /##l \ /###l l \__0 l####l \ l####l l \####/ ___/ \### / ===== / \ l l_ \ \___/ l \ / _l l_ l__ She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said: "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So thecashier put her finger into the box. The cashier pulled it out and told the little old lady: "That smells like crap." The little old lady grinned from ear to ear. "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?" Never fool around with a little old lady! |
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A lady stopped unexpectedly by her recently married sons house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing," she asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked," asked the mother-in-law. "this is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You're naked," said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "He will be home any minute now, so perhaps you could stop by a little later?" Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, his pickup truck drove up the d riveway. Her husband opened the door, and immediately saw his naked wife. "/what are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she said, excitedly. "Needs ironing," he replied. |
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. the bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns , repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.23. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found tht you are a multi-millionaire! what puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000." The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 19 bucks?" Finally .... a "Smart Blonde" joke! |
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"A Rude Parrot and a Dead Chicken" David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, extremely rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Novthing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and exceedingly rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior". David was astounded at the bird's change in attiutde and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "... may I ask what the chicken did |
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