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These thoughts were written by me prior to me finding out that I was not the only one on the face of this planet suffering and struggling with this condition FMS. I feel they emphase how secluded you feel when you feel that no one understands or cares. These feelings are now mostly a part of my past due to the support of many caring friends on the net, especially my ReneSis' the Renegades. Although there are still times that these memories come back to haunt me... with the help and support that is given to me, fortunately they are few and very short lived.  ~Conners~    She Lays Waiting She experiences the feelings comparable to a captured wild animal existing in a small, empty cage. Cared for with minimal contact and only to the  point of survival. Stripped of her spirit. Stripped of her freedom. Frightened and alone, she lays waiting with the hope that an opportunity will soon come. An opportunity that will allow her to escape out of this bare existence. To flee to where, doesn't matter. Anything must be better then this; even death, for she is forced to live in a shadow, She has contempt for her capturer. She despises what morsels it offers her, as it has robbed her of all that she was. She has nothing more to lose and she lays waiting. ******** Lost Hope I feel like a ghost, a remembrance of the past. Past joys, past loves, accomplishments, past hopes and dreams. In reality, all these things have slowly, sifted away like the sand in an hour glass. Painful emptiness, leaving me with a feeling of total deception and abandonment, left to stand alone. If only this was a dream and I could wake up, but I cannot because I'm lifeless inside. There is no more fight in me. I walk aimlessly as a sleep walker and function only to the point of total necessity. Sorrow, frustration and confusion dictate to me. False hopes and dreams have conquered me. Oh, to be victorious is but an illusion...Time will eventually kill my body, but my mind wanders in limbo. What grave sin have I committed, deserving such a destiny? I feel defeated. Condemned! Can I change this bare existence? I have no answers. Only by a minute shred of faith am I hanging on. ******** In Reply to a Question I have recently been asked that if these above feeling are in the past, then why don't I just 'forget about them'... My reply is this:  This was a very trying time in my life and the memories very painful.  But, through this I did survive. Perhaps there are others out there that feel as I did. Perhaps this will show them that even though they feel alone, they aren't. There are others out there who understand and are there for them. They only have to let us in. While I survived and was drawn out of the hell I was living in... there still are times when I regress back to feeling alone. When I remember the way I felt back then, it helps to remind me just how far I've come. It was difficult, but I did make it out. My lesson was 'not to forget the past' but to 'remember the past and learn from it.' Is It Really Invisible? They say fibro, chronic fatigue are invisible conditions... But are they??? I've been in and out of this flare since at least December. Maybe longer...who's counting! No sooner do I think I'm getting better..WHAM! Like a giant hand slapping your body, telling you 'IT'LL NEVER END!' I'm tired. Exhausted from the fight of trying to stay on top of it. My body is showing the results of my struggle. Where's the sparkle in my eyes? My smile is forced. Why do I walk like a person without purpose? My mind unsure of time or actions. Why is my body showing signs of fatigue? How do tears continue to flow and my loneliness growing? I'm asked what's wrong? Am I ill? Go to the doctors! Does this sound like it doesn't show? I know we're strong. All of us that fight this battle day in and day out have GOT to be strong. There are no weaklings among us. Only conditions trying to rob us of who we are... But we continue to fight back, Determined that we are stronger then any obstacle put in our way. Nope! Definitely NO weaklings here! Even times like this when I feel like I'm losing...I WON'T give up! Battle scarred yes. Beaten no! Tired and needing rest from this weary condition isn't failure. We're only human too!!!! One day this flare will let go for a time and it'll give me rest for my next battle... But for now, I look at myself and I see what these conditions do to us. So HOW can they say it's invisible??? It's NOT! I'm staring right at it in the mirror... And it's glaring right back at me!     Please sign my guest book!!  * animated .gif (c) Kitty Roach    Background Fantasy by Max FOR THE FREE WEB PAGE SPACE AND ALL THE HELP Like to Have Your Own Web Page? Click the Banner Below! "We Can Help"