First, I must pimp my site!
When I was younger, I was considered to be "cocky" and "stuck up." I had high amounts of energy in my teens, and was hyperactive as a child. None of this was considered unusual at the time. My mother died when I was five years old, and my father remarried. As a result of his marriage, I gained a stepbrother who is eight months older than I.
I served in the U. S. Navy without distinction. I have lived in Dayton Ohio, Cincinnati Ohio, Norfolk Virginia, Greenville S. C., Rialto California, Alameda California, Newport R. I., Naples Italy, Philadelphia PA, New York City, and now reside in Middletown Ohio. I miss the ocean! My career has been varied, as has many bipolars. I have been a longshoreman, orderly, LPN, RN, car salesman, radio disk jockey, truck driver, salvage diver, karate teacher, writer, and far too many other things to recall. I have mostly managed to remain in the medical area as a nurse.
I have been married three times. My first wife, Eileen, was a schizophrenic. We were together a little over three years, during which she spent all but six months in a state mental hospital. No children were produced from the marriage.My second wife, Karen, I met on the rebound. We were married for seven years and had a son, Robert William, who is now 21. We both cheated on one another, I was the worst. We fought, separated, and reconciled several times before I met who was to be my third wife. I asked for and received a divorce from Karen. One of the behaviors of a hypomanic bipolar is increased sexual activity. I have slept with well over 250 women. I don't put this down here as any sort of bragging, it was a part of my life and a symptom of my illness. I wish I could go back and change that.My third wife, Anita, was the only one of them that I truly loved. We had two daughters together, Deanna, who is now ten, and Mandy, who is now fifteen. Shortly after my marriage to Anita, Karen took my son and disappeared. I have never been sure why this happened, but I have not seen my son since he was five. He lives in Kansas and has been adopted by Karen's second husband. One day I'll go see him if he wants to see me. Karen says he doesn't want to talk to me, and I believe her since she has been kind enough to send me his graduation pictures. I was studying at Miami University, where I received two degrees, one in sociology, and the other in nursing when my disease became unmanageable. I was 16 semester hours short of graduation and had planed to get a PhD. in nursing at the University of Cincinnati. My mania started to increase to the point where I finally became psychotic. As it was escalating, I divorced Anita, and dropped out of college. As my mania grew, I took up sex with questionable persons (a theme I have played over 200 times in my life), and bought a brand new car that I could not afford.The little part of my mind that was still semi-normal told me something wasn't kosher.
It's hard to explain to someone what is it like to be psychotic or manic (both are the same at a cetain point). It's like you vacate your body and a stranger takes over. I lost time. That is, there were periods of time that I was not aware of what I was doing or what was going on. There is no way to control this force that has replaced you, it's kind of like the movie, "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers." I finally took an overdose to stop it all.
I found myself locked up in a mental ward in four point leather restraints. I believe I was in restraint for two or thee whole days. As I was doped out of my mind, they let me out of the psychiatric intensive care unit and into the general locked unit. I was given a course of ECT (shock treatments) that consisted of eight shocks. After that, I was able to leave and return to work. I lied and told everyone that I was depressed from my divorce.Every mania is followed by depression. Mine lasted a year. I ended up cutting my wrist with a scalpel and was re-hospitalized. Again, the treatment was another course of ECT. I had changed jobs in between the episodes and was working at the Dayton Ohio VA as an RN. An HMO psychiatrist told my boss what my diagnosis and treatment were. I was relieved of my nursing duties and put in the basement, delivering supplies, until they fired me. Don't believe for one minute that the U. S. Government pays any attention to the ADA, they don't. In fact, the government is the biggest discriminator in the country.
Well being a bipolar 1 has cost me dearly. I have lost my career, family, credit status (I had to go bankrupt), future dreams, independence, and self-esteem. So here I sit, weaving web pages, lonely, and writing poetry about it all. What will my future hold? I don't honestly know. After all, who will wake up tomorrow morning? I can only dream that I will meet someone to fill my life again.
After 5 years, the doctor put me on new medications, gabapentin 900 mg twice a day and the newest wonder drug, Seroquel 100 mg in the morning and 200 mg at night. Four weeks after I started the new drug combination, I "popped" back to my old, pre sickness self! I feel "normal" again and it sure feels great to be me! I am going off of SS slowly (vocational rehab) and back to being an RN! Doctors Goldsmith and Sekerka thank you! They both have worked hard wth me and put up with my nonsense! My care facility, the Cincinnati VA beats the Dayton VA by a long shot. Cincinnati can't do enough for you while Dayton never does anything for you.
As of March 2002 I remain in remission. I have my career back, employed at the same place for 2 years now. I have started traveling. I have been to London, York England, Portsmouth England, Liverpool (where I met Paul McCartney!), Edinburgh Scotland, Dublin Ireland, Paris, Bayeux France, and Omaha Beach (I visited the American Cemetary there too.) I am making new friends and am hoping to find someone to share all of this with!
Last Demecember, I ha a Roux-en-Y gastric bypass and thus far have lost over 90 pounds!
I have one very important mission in my life right now. I made this website to entertain and educate people about what it is like to live with mental illness. Mental illnesses tend to be chronic diseases, in the same catagory as diabetes, hypertension, and many other diseases that people deal with. As we all live longer, the likelyhood of developing a chronic disease increases. Many people with a chronic disease feel healthy. The medical profession has had to redefine what "health" is. What is it? Are you healthy? Do you feel healthy? Many of us feel healthy, yet suffer from some type of disease process. Many so called mental illnesses have a genetic basis in origin, yet many people still fear us. I can recall people watching me for signs of my being "nuts" to show. The stigma attached to mental illness is the biggest burden of being ill. How many of your friends, family, and/or co-workers have a mental illness? For most mentally ill persons, hiding our true face from everyone has become a means of survival. People tend to think of the mentally ill as being either dangerous or criminal. How about you? Would you let me babysit your child? Do you think all of us go "postal" under stress? The truth is, we are more harmful to ourselves than to anyone else. Sure there are mentally ill poeple who do become violent. They are the minority group of the mentally ill. Consider this, Jeffery Dalmer was adjudicated not to be insane, so was John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, the Menendez brothers, O. J. Simpson, and numerous serial killers and serial rapists. John DuPont who killed an Olympic wrestler who he thought was the devil, has been found ""guilty but mentally ill" and sentanced to a prison mental hospital for at least 5 years. Imagine being put in such a place to be "cured." My worst offense against society? One DUI. Don't fear us, pity us, or patronize us. Treat us like you yourself want to be treated, normal (whatever the hell normal is!).
This site is meant to both entertain you, educate you, and give a voice to fellow sufferers. Read their stories carefully. Ask yourself, "What if it was me or my child? How would I feel?
Stars shine obscured by clouds moon glow backlit night silent sounds make noise darkness is all awaken world to the dark it is a part of us all part of our souls lovers sway to the rhythm of their hearts dark passion rises and falls unseen eyes see nothing yet all it calls out in a voice this dark night touching hearts echoing dreams bringing dreams fear hope the dawn.
HOME PAGEMY POETRY
This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page