Finally found you

Author : TETCHAN~ # translated by hidoko

Web Site : xzOne

Pairing : tetsu x hyde

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Author's notes :

• this is a BL fiction..peopl who can't accept this..please don't read it.. after reading this fiction, please email me tell me how you feel about this..^^.. this one is Vol.1, I wrote it from the view of hyde..^^..
• hido's note: BL= boys love = english shounen ai = japanese yaoi = American gay love.
• ^-^ I hope this is satisfactory, I tried my best. If anyone finds any mistake, please tell me.

 

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When did it start, I myself can't remember anymore, the memories of the sky is so blue, your smile is so warm and radiant... I can only remember on that day, you found me, and I found you...

The me now, can be said to be happy, can be by the side of the person whom I have loved for so long, play the music that I like, to be with such great companions, Tetsu, Ken, Yukihiro... As long as I am with them, I can go through every obstacle no matter how big it is... I am supposed to be happy, but, why is that empty sadness lingering there? ...help me, who can fill that hole in my heart?

Today's recording situation had been very bad, I had a disagreement with Tetsu. I had hoped that today he could stay back and hold a conversation with me, because even though now I am going out with Megubitch (sorry cant help it) , but Tetsu is still my best friend, he understands me the most... And I believe I understand him most, therefore I wanted to talk about my feelings recently. But recently he always avoided me whether there was a reason or not; after the recording he would say that he wanted to go to Kaori's side, normally it would be the same, when I called his home, he was either not there or he'd be either going out or bathing, otherwise he'd be busy about something... What the heck! ~Don't tell me that my 10 years of friendship with him is so unimportant compared to Kaori?

During recording, he would be so cold, he'd not be giggling, or pinching my cheeks lightly, telling me "you are the cutest in this world". The mutual understanding between the two of us have disappeared... Yukihiro and Kenchan must have noticed, Tetsu used to take care of me most, but right after he went out with kaori he had changed, is she _that_ important to Tetsu?? Actually Tetsu's feeling, I cannot understand, now I also want to see Megubitch everyday, want to be with her, to understand her more (blech), want to be warm to her, want to heal her wounds; maybe Tetsu has that same feeling towards Kaori.. .but...

The cold war betwwen Tetsu has lasted for one week, Ken and Yukihiro has been very worried, I am waiting, waiting for Tetsu to come and apologize to me, last time when we had quarrelled he would apologise first, but why hasn't he come and said sorry?

"Hyde... Hyde san... HYDE!!"

What? Is Tetsu calling me? He's finally talking to me!?

"Ara... Yukichan... Ah, is there anything?" So it is Yukihiro... My words held a vast feeling of disappointment.

"You have been touching your own face... What's wrong with it? And... You and Tetsu can't go on like this forever, go and apologize to him..."

What?? Me!? I then don't want! Why should I go this time? Is Yukihiro right? I was touching my own face?...

Today I had dinner with Megubitch, listening to the funny things which happened to her during work, narrating with actions, very entertaining. Looking at her smiling face, but Tetsu's smile floats up in my heart, a pain in my heart which came from nowhere...

What is Tetsu doing now? Is he with Kaori?

Watching the window outside with all my attention, unknowingly looking for the shadow which belongs to Tetsu... Un... That looks like him~ But Tetsu is cuter than he is! That~ No, Tetsu is more handsome than he is~ Wait! Isn't that Tetsu?

Even though he's wearing sunglasses and hat, I can tell by just one glance! The person by his side is.. .Kaori... It's really her... ho, what am I thinking of? Was I really unable to control but hope that he was alone? (hido: Waiwai! ^^ *glomp TETCHAN* This is so cute, hehehe..)

"Hyde.... Hyde.. .Are you listening to me? Iya~~ Is there any prettier than me that makes you look outside? I hate Hyde most~~" Megubitch pouted, pretending that she was angry. (hido: ^^;; ;Uhm.. .yuck.)

"No! Don't irritate me, I want to go... Bill (note: bill as in waiter! bill ^^)." I impatiently said. (hido: *sadistic grin*)

If it was the normal me, I would have found the her who was acting jealous cute, tell her "sorry" and kiss her deeply, but today her actions make me feel annoyed. Is it because I just saw Tetsu walking together with Kaori? Even though I already knew that Tetsu was going out with Kaori, but when I saw, I felt very unhappy... But logically I should be happy because he is with Kaori? Like Tetsu would be because I am with Megubitch, isnt the reason the same? The cold war persists on, between the both of us an unmaterialistic wall have been created, I can't understand what Tetsu is thinking of. In the past I would know what he was thinking by just looking at his expression...

But now it's totally different! Especially while recording I actually couldn't go along with Tetsu's bass?! And this song was written by Tetsu, should be the song which I can express most properly.. . Why today...? Our silent pact is really gone... This song is called "angel", is it talking about Kaori? My heart... Why is it pained again? I don't want to think and don't want to think of the meaning of the lyrics... Today's recording ended early, Tetsu left without even looking back, was it to look for Kaori? So she is that important to him...

"Yo~~~ My beloved Hyde-chan~~ let us go and drink a small glass of wine of love~~~" haha~ ken is using his hentai plus sweet voice which makes my skin have goosebumps... (hido: Uhm, this is hard to explain... ^^;; Sorry)

Looking at Yukihiro, his expression was "I'm defeated",

okay, let's go for a drink! Anyway I havent drunk for so long, and I need to drink to forget the miseries.

We were sitting in the usual place in the corner, but the past laughters and fooling arounds were missing. What replaced it was a layer of silence,...ken suddenly said to me,

"It's been all these years, why haven't you realized?"

What? Realized what?

Yukihiro saw through the confusion in my eyes, so he explained for Ken "Tetsu loves you deeply... His feelings for you, even we outsiders can see.. .why don't you know?"

"This is called 'the spectators is clear but the people involved are confused', also, Megubitch look for you recently, you won't reply... The whole day you were in a daze; also, you always touch your own face, actually you're longing for the warmth of the past times when he was caressing your face!...you seem to be like him a lot, it's just that you havent realized your feelings towards him...We originally wanted to wait for you to realize, but like the situation now, it cannot go on! ~So we're here to remind you, hoping you will be able to see your heart clearly that is your feeling towards Tetsu." Ken said from his heart.

Really? Tetsu he? ....and I...??

On the way home, I unwinded (open... I can't think of the correct word, gomen...) the car window to let the cold wind blow into my face, un... so comfortable~~ The face which had been hot because of the alcohol felt more comfortable right after the caress of the breezem,... the gentle wind... So comfortable... It's like the way he carresses my face, I didn't think I really missed him this much.... Am I really like Ken and Yukihiro said?

Actually I also felt that way towards Tetsu?? I will be flustered if I can't see him... Thinking about his smile I will smile too, I miss him... I miss him till my heart aches... The heart which keeps thinking about of him can't stop already, reminiscising his presence (smell? ^^;), his everything... Just because he is by my side, I will feel secure~ I don't want to think of the scene of him with Kaori! Tetsu belongs to me... I don't want anyone else to share his warmth, I don't want to lose you, Tetsu... You are like my angel... .."Angel"??

Isn't it the song which Tetsu wrote? search for it, I remember that this song has a insubstancielly sad melody... Found it! ~Let me try to understand you from a new beginning from this song! ~Let me see through your feelings... And look at my own... heart...

Angel
Embrace
The legendary love
Spread the wings of bliss
Fly towards the person whom I love
The strong me
Exists because of you
My wings
Fly because of you
Lucifer
But Lucifer
Fractured my wings
I can't stay by your side
You whom I love most, ah
I can't let you be happy
Can't become the embrace which lets you rest in peace
Love
Is an ending without beginning
I am an angel with broken wings

Are? The words become blurry, why is this so?? Reach out to touch it... It's wet, my face has a damp feeling... So it's tears. Tetsu has he been feeling pain because of me? He loves me most? I love him too... After looking at the lyrics, I can finally understand Tetsu's heart, his love, because... I now know what I feel for him.

Always have taken his warmth for granted... Tetsu is like the air, surrounding me gently, because I always owned it, Tetsu has always been my side,..I've been so used to it that I don't know how to treasure it... When I finally lost him, I understand his importance... It's like a fish without water, can't live for a day... Losing him is like losing a piece of myself, only with him am I complete, I love you so much...

Aren't I dumb... Now, I finally sorted out my feelings, if i tell you now, will it be too late??...If I open my mouth and tell you that I love you now, will it be too late??...But I don't want to lose you!!! I don't want you to be with Kaori!! ...But what should I do?? What should I do??......Tetsu, where are you....

"Ring~"

Telephone...? What time is it now~~ And someone's calling in, is it Tetsu?

"Hello? Who is it?" I couldn't wait to find out the answer.

"It's me, Megubitch... I have something to talk to you about, I think... We're not suited for each other, when you're with me, you'd always glance at a faraway place... Looking at other people... I can't stand this!!! I don't want you to look at anyone other than me! ~But this seems so very impossible... So, I think it's better that we part..."

I silently put the phone down, and whispered lightly, "Sorry".... But what Megubitch had said just now was true, so my heart has already fallen onto Tetsu, no one can steal it, towards Megubitch I can only say sorry...

Now, what is most important is to find out about Tetsu's heart! Does Tetsu love me anymore? If he has given up on me, what should I do???

I really miss him... My thoughts for him is like a (??? Sorry, don't know what it is...;), it can't stop once it starts. I reach out to dial the number which is more familliar to me than my own... It's an answering machine?? Hasn't he came home yet? But it's nearly dawn! Where is he? With whom? Kaori...?

"Tetsu... It's me... Let's meet at the same old place."

Even though in my message, I had said 'same old place', I had no confidence, and I can only hope that in Tetsu's mind it would be the same place as I had thought,..

If it was the same... It would signify that we still had mutual understanding... While walking towards the 'same old place', I dialed his handphone... It was switched off!!?? Why? What happened??

Oh... .. So is it that he wants to be with Kaori and doesn't want to be disturbed? ...I'm disturbing him... Does he really want to be with kaori that much??...

I don't want this to be! No, Tetsu you can't give anyone else that warmth that belongs to me~ I don't want you to!!...My steps grew heavier, it's just like my heart, a feeling of uncertainty is building up... More and more, I can't take it already.... But I must go to the beach, yes, the seaside,...

It looks like a normal place, but this is the 'same old place" in my heart, this is the seaside which Tetsu and I used to visit, remember how many songs we had written together here? Shared how much troubles? The promise to become the number one band in Japan was also rectified here, and you... It was the first time you told me, right here, "You are the cutest in this world~I will always be by your side."

I need you now... Tetsu.... You lied to me! Didn't you say that you'd always be by my side?? But now???

"Hyde... ... ... .."

Tetsu?...

"Hyde, what is it? Did anything happen?? When I went home, I heard your message... I think the 'old place' is this? ...Un~~ How I miss this seaside.. . Haven't come for a long time!~Why do you suddenly ask me to come here? ..... .you.. .aren't with... .. Ooishi.. .. . together?"

After that, Tetsu fell into silence, but it was obvious that he had ran all the way.. maybe he had ran to look for me right after hearing the message~ He too, thinks that this place is important?.. Also... It's very obvious, when he talks about Megubitch, he was very.. .hesitant... Does this represent that he cares about me very much?

But once I thought about how he didn't go home so late, how the mobile phone was not on, my happy feelings immediately got drowned by suspicion and jealousy.

"Aren't you gonna be with Kaori?? You shouldn't leave her just to look for me! Isn't she your girlfriend? She's more important than me... ."

Ha... What a bitter voice... It's so obvious that it's jealousy,.. Please!! ..Tetsu, don't reply!!!.... I'm so scared... I don't want to face that cruel truth~!! I will break down in front of you!!

"No!!! You are most important, don't you understand???"

What?? This is not the answer which I had expected, my eyes grew wide as I stared at Tetsu.. .. What did he just say??~~I.. .am most important??? Must have heard wrongly... My mind is very messed up.

Tetsu saw that I didn't respond, he ardently hugged me... Not like the embraces on stage.................. so straightforward, truthful... but it lets me feel a sort of strong and comforting emotion, this... .embrace which fills the emptiness in me. Not waiting for me to speak, Tetsu started...

"Don't speak... Let me express my feelings with words... I and Kaori have talked it out, she asked me if I really loved her,.. I couldn't say the truth, because the person whom I love all along is you!!...Kaori is a special girl, she's like a sister to me... But I let her misunderstand without meaning to.. .I feel very sorry towards her, but I can't love her... .The past wounds were healed only because you were by my side, you're irreplacable to me~. Only you understand my everything, when I realized.. .I found that I had fallen in love with you!!~I couldn't get out of it~.. But to be limited to only 'good friends' this labelling, I can only silently look after you.. . And see you and Ooishi go out together... I can only wish you well.. .heh. ..who asked me to be your good friend?.."

Tetsu laughed at himself. But the arms which are around me grew in pressure, as if scared that I would run away, or disappear... Heh, Tetsu.. We're both the same... I didn't speak, but silently listened and enjoyed this sweet torture....

"Angel this song was made for you,...once I think about you and ooishi I will feel agonized.. .I can't be the one to make you happy, my heart aches... So I wrote this song.. .I wanted to express my love for you with this song... But on that day of recording, you couldn't go on the correct beat, I thought you had realized the meaning of the lyrics and wouldn't accept my love... Therefore refused to sing.. .Because long ago, Yukihiro and Ken have found out about my feelings for you.. .They were very supportive towards me, gave me encouragement,.. .But what's most important to me is your feeling!!! ...I don't want to be looked down by you, to be hated by you, was scared that you'd leave me... So... I decided not to look for you this week, maybe it would lessen my feelings for you... .But I've decided... Even if you, Hyde, can't accept me, it's okay, you can pretend that this has never happened.... I wouldn't say that I love you, I will wish you and Ooishi all the best, I will still be the same old me..."

I looked up to see Tetsu's smile, it was still very gentle... .But I couldn't feel any bit of warmth, it was not real at all, I knew that his heart was crying. ...

When Tetsu decided to let go of me, I held him tightly, I don't want him to leave me again!!!

Tetsu looked at me in surprise, tried to pull me away.. .but I wouldn't allow, I wouldn't let go again! I started singing Angel...

For a moment Tetsu's movements stopped...But immediately he hugged me again, and smiled my most beloved smile at me.. .The smile which is so warm, which belongs to me only.

The wall has collapsed... .. Love.. .had entered to each others' heart, I whisper softly to Tetsu's ear...

"You are my angel of bliss, without you, I will not be happy.. ..I love you.... ."

Both of us were engaged in a deep embrace... As if scared that each other would disappear with the fog.. . Didn't want to let go, and at the moment of dawn, we exchanged a kiss of promise... The first kiss which belonged to lovers... Lift my head to look at the sky, it's so blue.. . Just like Tetsu, gently enveloping me...

Finally... .. I found you... ... ..

 

 

--------------- Completed ---------------