Lies
and Truth ochite yuku
Tetsu
giggled as Hyde’s brown locks flopped
into his eyes. Extracting an arm from
around the bassist, Hyde raked his fingers
through his hair, combing the long strands
back into place. Tetsu giggled again.
The sheer amount of concentration required
for the act was displayed all over Hyde’s
face. After all the alcohol he’d consumed
that evening, Tetsu was surprised he’d
have enough sense to recognize exactly
what was causing the itching sensation
on the end of his nose.
"Ne
Tet-chan, what’s so funny?"
"I
don’t know." The realization of this struck
him as even funnier than the last two
events had, sending him into fits of laughter.
Hyde began to laugh too -- he wasn’t sure
exactly what the other man found so humorous
about the situation, but was sure it was
funny enough for both of them to share.
Hyde slipped his arm around to rest comfortably
in place back around Tetsu’s waist. The
other man leaned in closer and swept away
a lock of hair that looked dangerously
close to falling into Hyde’s eyes again,
securing it behind the vocalist’s ear.
"Kirei
na," he whispered, not quite sure if he
meant Hyde, his silky hair, or some other
alcohol-induced vision. He leaned in close
and kissed Hyde’s freshly exposed cheek.
Hyde
smiled, pulling Tetsu closer to his body.
-----
Ken
stood silently watching. He couldn’t help
but let the strong sentiments of jealousy
to flow openly through his mind, allowing
his otherwise attractive face to set into
a taut scowl. After all, Tetsu was, well
his lover, and Hyde -- Hyde’s astounding
beauty draped all over the former was
certainly more than enough to raise the
instinctual notions of possessiveness.
Gulping another mouthful of beer he wondered
where the hell Sakura had disappeared
to, he could no doubt find something more
... constructive ... for Hyde to do.
As
if suddenly aware of Ken’s line of thought,
Tetsu had appeared at his side, startling
the guitarist. He wrapped his arms around
the taller man and stood on tiptoes to
kiss him gently on the mouth. Ken’s thoughts
were removed, receding into his semi-conscious
mind where all the images of Hyde and
Tetsu -- all the smiles, the glances,
all of the half heard conversations mingled,
brewing into a concoction of half-justified
envy. One day he would have to confront
the bassist, but now -- he pulled Tetsu
in closer, held him tighter -- now all
that mattered was that Tetsu was in his
arms.
"Want
to go?"
Ken
smiled. The bassist’s speech was thoroughly
slurred, and Ken was sure he’d be nursing
a hangover -- that for once was not his
own -- in the morning.
"Yeah."
He walked towards the door, glancing over
his shoulder to see Sakura sitting in
the exact spot Tetsu had occupied a few
moments before engaged in an alarmingly
familiar embrace. Tetsu trotted behind
the guitarist, latching onto his outstretched
hand before waving good bye to their friends
and stepping out into the crisp night
air.
-----
Sakura
flushed the toilet again. The familiar
sound of the water rushing down the pipes
was comforting compared to the moans of
distress from the small man who now rested
his head against the cool porcelain of
the bowl. Hyde’s breathing rapidly accelerated
as he lifted his head and leaned over
again, his stomach heaving, but turning
up nothing. Sakura pulled back the sweat-soaked
hair, running his fingers along his lover’s
scalp and whispered comforting words into
his ear.
Hyde
fell back against Sakura’s chest, the
latter rushing to grip the vocalist and
steady his fall. He collapsed into the
drummer’s arms and squinted his eyes against
the bright light overhead. Sakura looked
down and was shocked; Hyde’s skin was
pale, a shade of green reaching his cheeks,
probably a result of the nausea he was
suffering from. Sweat trailed down his
face, although his skin was cold to the
touch. His breathing was uneven and shallow,
as if it in itself was a great effort.
"Are
you done?"
His
eyes remained closed, but he made a low
sound in his throat, and didn’t protest
as Sakura gently eased his arms under
Hyde’s body and lifted him of the floor.
His arms wrapped around the drummer’s
chest, clutching at the back of his shirt
to keep from falling. Slowly Sakura headed
out of the bathroom towards the bed in
the next room.
"Sakura...
it hurts."
"What
does?" He slowly lowered his lover to
the bed and began to strip off his constricting
clothing.
"Everything."
He sighed and tightened his grip on the
back of the other man’s shirt.
"Go
to sleep Haido," He brushed his lips against
the vocalist’s sweat-drenched forehead,
"it will be better when you wake up."
Pealing off his own clothes, he lay down
next to Hyde: there was no way he was
going to let him spend the night alone.
Hyde shivered as the other man pulled
back the covers.
"Saku-chan?"
He tried to lift his heavy lids, but only
managed to force them open a crack. He
reached his arms out for the drummer’s
body.
"Shhh,"
he pulled him into his embrace. Delicately
he ran a hand over Hyde’s body, coaxing
him into a tranquil sleep.
-----
He
walked.
Not
because there was anywhere to go.
There
was nowhere, and thus, no need for haste,
no need to hurry to a place where he would
only find the same feeling, the same sorrow,
the grief that had just hours ago eaten
a hole into his heart and settled there,
a deathly parasite slowly feasting on
everything he held dear.
The
wind was crisp and the air cold enough
so that when he exhaled a small puff of
white breath formed around the warmth
that had once been inside of him. He shivered,
but left the jacket unzipped.
Slowly,
deliberately, he walked. Left, right,
left, right. Each step a struggle, each
time his feet begging, pulling, wanting
to run. Run through the darkness at top
speed, piercing the night, screaming,
pleading, asking for only one thing.
But
he would not run. That would only make
it true, that would mean the pain was
real, that he had --
"Oh,
God, Ken--"
He
collapsed, fell to the ground in a sobbing,
gasping heap.
"Ken...
why...?"
Pulling
his knees into his chest, he squeezed
with all his might as if it would relieve
the aching, would drive it out with his
tears. He imagined it pouring out of his
body, a thick, black, foul-smelling ooze,
pure evil.
The
warm tears continued to flow, teasing
his flesh, running slow, sensual trails
down his face, retracing paths once followed
by Ken's fingers, his lips, his tongue.
Even his sorrow was a mockery. He couldn't
escape the thoughts, the visions.
Tetsu
stood up, wiping his cheeks.
He
began to walk again, but this time, he
knew where he was going.
-----
What
have I done?
He
hadn’t meant to hurt him, to lie, to drive
him away. Still. Ken was alone in his
room, and Tetsu wasn't coming back.
It
wasn't supposed to be this way. He was
supposed to tell him the truth, admit
the ache he felt as every hour Tetsu and
Hyde grew closer together, as he was pushed
further and further away.
The
funny thing was that he was trying to
protect his own feelings, but he only
managed to dig a deeper wound. The longer
Tetsu was away, the more Ken realized
that he would never have him again.
It
was all too familiar. His room -- their
room, Tetsu hadn't stayed at his own apartment
for weeks now -- the glass he had been
drinking out of, the pile of neatly folded
clothing... they were all there... even
the blankets, they smelled of him, his
sweet essence.
But
he was gone. And it was Ken’s own fault.
He wondered what Tetsu thought of him
now. Wondered if he envisioned him as
the heartless monster he felt himself
to be. But even that wasn't true. If he
truly was heartless, how could that explain
why he felt as if someone had shattered
his soul?
He
stood up and cautiously walked to the
living room, his body visibly shaking.
There would be no sleep for him tonight.
Avoiding a pair of precisely arranged
platforms, he reached for his guitar case.
Tugging the strap over his shoulder, he
stood, the weight of the guitar resting
against his hip, the intimate bond between
musician and instrument once again formed.
His fingers flew deftly across the strings,
the sounds of his own breathing the only
distraction from the music. Each song,
each note brought back a memory. A smile,
a look a kiss. He didn't know until this
moment that Tetsu lived in each of his
songs.
Becoming
braver, he slipped into one of the bassist's
own songs, forcing himself to play it
from beginning to end, remembering clearly
how each note had been painstakingly written,
remembered when Tetsu had been ready to
give up, he had come and wrapped his arms
around the other man, whispered encouraging
words into his ears and forced him to
continue. Remembered how he had taken
him into his lap, kissed his slender neck
and urged him to go on, staying up for
a better part of a night, his hands softly
stroking his stomach, smoothing out wrinkled
papers and holding him tight when he became
frustrated. Remembered when Tetsu had
finished the song he had kissed him deeply,
joking that it never would have been written
without the help of his muse.
Wiping
the tears away, he finally understood.
He removed the guitar and sat at the table.
He was ready to compose. The melody was
simple enough, it came easily, running
across the page almost as if it was its
own entity. It was short, but sincere,
perhaps the most meaningful thing he had
ever written.
He
wasn't a poet, he couldn’t make words
live like Hyde, but he did his best, his
own work finally complete two hours later.
Extracting
a cigarette from the package on the table,
he brought it to his mouth and lit it,
slowly inhaling the calming smoke.
Without extinguishing the flame atop the
glowing match, he brought the corner of
the paper to the flame. "This is for you.
Tetsu. Aishiteru."
He
watched as the paper caught afire, arching,
writhing, burning until it was little
more than black ash, a meaningless afterthought.
Ken
put the cigarette out and walked to the
couch, both body and mind exhausted.
-----
Tetsu
knocked harder on the door to Hyde's apartment.
There was still no answer.
Muttering
under his breath he began to turn around
until he heard the squeak of the door
slowly being opened.
"Hy
-- Sakura?"
It
took a few moments for the drummer's eyes
to adjust to the light. "You've been crying."
Simply a statement.
"Is
Hyde home?" it was a stupid question,
where else would he be at 3:30 in the
morning.
Sakura
stepped in to allow Tetsu to enter. "I'll
go get him." He headed towards the bedroom
but stopped to turn back towards the other
man. He placed a light hand on Tetsu's
shoulder and guided him towards the couch
before disappearing into the back.
"Tet-chan?"
Hyde hurried into the living room at the
sight of his friend. Rubbing at his heavy
eyes, he approached the couch and sat
next to the bassist.
"He
- he dumped me Haido."
Hyde's
eyes widened. Ken? Ken had left Tetsu?
That was impossible!
"He
said..." Tetsu bit back the tears, "he
said... it was too..."
"Tetsu..."
Hyde wrapped his arms around his friend.
"Can
I stay here... at least for tonight? Tomorrow
I can go back to my apartment... but I
just don't want to be alone."
Hyde's
grip on the bassist tightened, "Tetsu,
you know you can stay as long as you want."
"Thank
you." His eyes were sinking shut. Hyde
rested the bassist's head in his lap and
absently stroked his hair, trying to make
any sense of what Tetsu just told him.
He couldn't believe it; Ken adored Tetsu,
anyone could see that, and he knew that
the feelings were definitely mutual. Everything
seemed so right between them it was almost
as if --
"Haido."
Hyde
jumped at the sound of Sakura's voice
behind him. How long had he been standing
there?
"Hyde,
come to bed."
Noting
that Tetsu's breathing had fallen into
the rhythmic pattern of sleep, he nodded
and eased himself off the couch, pausing
to place a gentle kiss on Tetsu's cheek.
He covered the bassist with a light blanket
before following Sakura into the bedroom.
-----
Tetsu
awoke the next day to the bright light
of the early afternoon. Finding himself
on a couch -- he blinked, recognizing
where he was -- on Hyde's couch was slightly
disorienting, the feeling abandoned only
when the memories of last night mercilessly
pounded his mind. He clenched his eyes
shut and wished he hadn't waken up in
the first place.
"Tet-chan?
Are you up?" Hyde could have sworn that
he had seen his friend's eyes open a moment
before but he could have been wrong. He
sighed, his concern deepening. It wasn't
like Tetsu to try and run away from his
problems, but then again in all the years
that Hyde had know the bassist, Ken leaving
him was the worst think that had ever
happened to him. If Hyde hadn't been so
worried about Tetsu he would have gone
to beat the crap out of that, that guitarist
(he knew he was perfectly capable of it)
or at least demand an explanation as to
how he could do such a thing.
...which
was what puzzled Hyde the most about the
situation. He'd never seen the two fight
-- ever. He hadn't even heard of one,
besides a petty quarrel. He was _sure_
he knew Ken better than this... for him
to do something so brash, so out of character...
It sounds like something Sakura would
do. He scowled, wondering where the
drummer had disappeared to _this_ morning.
He was so thoroughly quiet that Hyde was
more surprised when Sakura was by his
side when he woke up... Hyde collapsed
in the chair and shook his head, hoping
to clear out his self-pity. Right now
it wasn't about him...
"Haido?"
Tetsu opened his eyes at the sound of
movement in the living room.
"Sorry,
did I wake you?"
"No...
I just had my eyes shut..." He turned
over on the couch so that his back was
facing Hyde.
"Oh."
Hyde lifted himself off the chair and
softly padded towards the kitchen, retrieving
a tray with some sliced fruits and other
assorted items -- remnants of a carefully
prepared meal. "Do you want anything to
eat? It's getting pretty late." He placed
the food on the table.
Tetsu
stared blankly at the ceiling. "I'm...
not very hungry."
"Then
do you want to watch TV or something?"
"No...
not really."
"Well,
do you at least want to go into my room?
The bed in there is a lot more ..."
"I'm
fine Hyde."
He
could take a hint. Sadly Hyde nodded and
headed towards the bedroom, but not before
he gently squeezed one of Tetsu's hands.
The bassist smiled weakly before closing
his eyes and falling back to sleep.
-----
Hyde
picked up the phone and dialed the number
to Ken's apartment again. I know you're
there Ken-chan, answer the phone.
As if in blatant defiance to Hyde's request
the phone remained unanswered until on
the fifteenth ring Hyde finally gave up.
Sweeping
back the covers, he walked into the kitchen
to switch off the lights. Tetsu hadn't
moved from the couch all day except for
the one time he had used the bathroom
and changed into the pair of pajamas Hyde
had set out for him. During recording,
and when collaborating on new songs the
band spent so much time at each other's
apartments that it only seemed logical
to keep a set of spare clothes there.
Hyde figured that Tetsu hadn't had a situation
such as this in mind when he had left
his clothes behind, but he seemed thankful
to finally change out of the jeans he
had been wearing for the past day.
Hyde
paused to check on Tetsu before returning
to his bedroom.
"Oyasumi
Tet-chan." He bent to stroke the bassist's
cheek hoping that the new day would bring
his friend some sense of hope. It'll
get better, I promise.
-----
Tetsu
stayed at Hyde's house for four more days.
On the second day, he moved into Hyde's
bedroom and the two kept each other company.
The bassist ate little and talked less,
but Hyde's concern began to abate. He
enjoyed being able to take care of his
friend, and had they been together under
any other circumstances Hyde would even
consider Tetsu's visit fun. Hyde realized
that allowing him to stay at his place
was only stalling the inevitable, but
he hoped this way his friend would be
more able to deal with the confrontation.
Nothing was said about _him_; Tetsu offered
no further explanation than what he had
already told Hyde, and the vocalist was
able to contain his curiosity. When Tetsu
was ready, he was sure he would tell him.
-----
Hyde
awoke to an empty bed, a situation he
was more than familiar with, but Tetsu's
absence worried him.
"Tet-chan?"
He hurriedly rose out of bed and strided
down the hallway, encountering the bassist's
figure posed in front of his bathroom
mirror. "Oh, there you are."
"I
think... I want to dye it."
"Your
hair?"
Tetsu
nodded. "It's time for a change."
"I
wonder if..." Hyde rummaged around in
the bathroom cabinet, finally extracting
a box from the back. He smiled, "How about
black?"
"Black?"
Tetsu chewed at his bottom lip, then smiled.
"Sure."
Hyde
opened the package and began mixing the
solutions, the dye's odor beginning to
fill the bathroom. "Ne, Haido, what are
you doing?"
"Mixing
the dye, what else?"
"Right
now?" Tetsu seemed a little surprised.
"Of
course now!" He slipped the plastic gloves
over his hands, and scowled. Holding his
hands up for Tetsu's inspection revealed
that they were hardly small enough for
him to fit his fingers into the glove's
holes. Tetsu glanced away, trying not
to laugh.
"Sit
over there." Hyde instructed. He poured
some of the smelly liquid onto his friend's
head and began to work it into his brown
-- soon to be black -- locks. With skilled
hands, he evenly distributed the coloring
around the bassist’s head, making sure
not to leave any patches. "This stuff
stinks!" he complained, emptying the last
of the dye into his palm and working it
into Tetsu's scalp and around his ears.
Satisfied with the job, he glanced at
his watch. "That should sit for 20 minutes...
unless you want to wear this." He held
up a hideous plastic cap designed to decrease
the time the dye needed to be exposed
to his hair.
"That's
okay." Tetsu eyed the cap wearily... there
was no way that _thing_ was going on his
head.
"Then
we wait." Hyde stripped the gloves off
his hands and shoved them along with the
empty bottles into the package. "In 20
minutes you will have silky, smooth, manageable
hair with no ammonia or peroxide." He
read, glancing at the American girl on
the cover. "I wonder if it will come out
like this." He showed Tetsu the box on
which a girl with incredibly curly black
hair smiled at them from the middle of
crystal blue water.
"I'm
sure..."
-----
Twenty-five minutes later Hyde heard a
hesitant hand reach for the doorknob as
Tetsu cautiously walked out of the bathroom.
He stepped into the living room holding
his damp ear-length hair behind him. "I
don't know..." he started, wondering if
in his impulsiveness he had made a mistake.
I can always dye it back... he
resolved.
"Well
at least let me see!" Hyde stood up to
examine the bassist's new look. He smiled.
"Kakkoi Tet-chan!"
"You
really think so?" He ran a hand nervously
through his locks.
"Yep."
Hyde combed his fingers through the newly-dyed
hair, brushing the part even. "Maybe if
we just cut it a little... here" he suggested.
Tetsu's
face fell. "Cut it? Ne, Haido... why are
you trying to change me all the sudden?"
Hyde
stiffened. "Tetsu, I'm... I just thought
that you..." He looked at the bassist.
"Tetsu, I'm sorry." He reached up to brush
away the tears that were beginning to
fall.
"No,
I am Hyde..." He forced a smile. "crying
over something so stupid..."
"Tetsu,
look at me."
The
bassist's brown eyes locked on Hyde's.
"You're
perfect, just the way you are. Don't let
anything," the added emphasis on that
word forced him to listen, "tell you otherwise.
Tetsu nodded. "Still," he smiled, "I really
like your hair." They both laughed.
"Thank
you."
"It's
the truth." Hyde reached down to place
a friendly kiss on Tetsu's cheek, but
found himself lingering longer than necessary,
his lips slowly reaching for Tetsu's.
He kissed him again, gently pressing his
mouth against his, so lightly that he
hardly felt the bassist's lips return
the favor. He pulled away slowly, reluctantly.
"I'm
sorry."
"Don't
be." Tetsu's lips reached for Hyde's,
meeting the vocalist unexpectedly. The
bassist's kiss wasn't as gentle, but still
hardly registered with Hyde's senses.
Tetsu pressed harder, their lips finally
locking together, Hyde toying with the
wet strands of hair laced between his
fingers. Tetsu pulled Hyde's body into
his embrace, his tongue slowly running
across the vocalist's bottom lip. Hyde
pulling him closer to deepen the kiss.
Breathless,
Hyde broke contact, gasping as he placed
countless kisses on the bassist's lips,
lightly sucking on the delicate skin.
Tetsu,
urged on by a sense of despair tightened
his grip around Hyde’s slender body, his
mouth moving at an impossible speed. Hyde
could hardly think, his mind lost in the
moment. Tilting his head back, he allowed
Tetsu to enter his mouth fully, his tongue
stroking throughout the expanse. Hyde
wrapped his arms around Tetsu’s back,
his hands rubbing the tense muscles.
"...
Hyde," it was hardly a whisper, Tetsu
pulled him even closer, resting his head
on the shorter man’s shoulder. "God Hyde,
I miss him."
"I
know." Hyde held him in his arms, petting
his head softly. "Believe me I know."
---------------
to be continue ---------------
