1/18/98

Well here I am just me, trying to make a start of this G.U.T.S. thing . I hope this will ease some of my sorrows and let you my friends know me a little better.

Just recently , I have been hurt by someone someone that I trusted not to lie to me or someone that I never thought would deceive me . But alas turns out that this friend has been deceiving, not only myself but many many people for months. I cannot begin to express my greif over this . The pain the hurt it caused and not only for me but for others , most likely this person as well.

I do not understand why one would want to lie and cheat others . Lieing is something I never have done in the real life or in my net life. Some people will tell me I am being to hard on this someone and should let it go , I cannot . This went on for almost a year this deceit from a very good friend. Is going to be very hard to forgive but forgive I can do .

To forgive is to love , and I do so love and care for all of my friends. Some say that caring and loving anyone on the net is not possible to them I say Bull, they so fast forget that they are talking and dealing with Real people, with real feelings, hopes , joys , sorrows , needs . To many think that it is a game to come to chat and be someone else but eventually after you make a few very good friends it is no longer a game.

I may not have met all of my friends in person face to face , but that is no matter I still love and care for each and everyone of them . I have a very special man that I met thru chat, we may never get the opportunity to meet face to face but I assure you that what is between us is pure romantic love and is strong in everyway . Silly you say , well I say dont knock it till you've been there . I have met and made many dear friends here and I love them all . They are precious and very very dear to me. *Smiles* and you all know who you are to .

Well enough of my ramblings for one day I will not say that I will do this each and everyday but I will try to make a point of doing this or something like it at least once a week.

1/19/98

The Question to ponder today is one of TRUST. If you are entrusted with a secret/confidance bye a friend is it not your duty as a friend to keep that secret?

Well I think that it is your duty to not betray the trust of your friend . Even if that friend is deceiving others. It is your job as this friend to keep this trust. It does not mean that you agree with what your frined is doing. It may be your job to stear your friend in the proper direction to correct any mistakes or get said friend to stop hurting others .

Why this subject you may ask. It is because I have a friend that is being persecuted bye a few others for keeping a trust told to them bye another. I do not fault them at all for this . It shows the marks of a true friend.

1/22/98

Here I go again my friends . With a mighty touchy subject . Its Called ABUSE.

I m a woman that has been abused by two seperate men , I dont know why I go to men like that but I did and I did it twice. The first time call it lack of experiance as I married before I reached the age of 18, was pregnant scared and thought that was the thing to do. Actually neither of us was ready for it all. Basically I think that was the biggest problem there we had a child together but we werent ready for the responsability. Moved to second hubby not even a year after the first failure , matter of fact before the divorce was final .

Insecurity again I think , scared alone not wanting to raise a child alone moved to an older , more stable more reliable man or so I thought . Was good for the First couple years then this man showed his true colors slowely at first . He his what he was doing very well I found out later , see I was working long 12 hr days , he was working 8 hour days, this abuse wwas going on to my son to begin with. My step-daughter had to lock herself and my son in the bathroom to keep this man from hurting my son anymore. I never got this story till later and my step-daughter confirmed it. You see when this man married me he said he would accept my son to . Hurts so much to be telling this tale but it is a true one.

Anyway as the years went on I knew about him abusing my son calling him really nasty names all the time smashing his things. Hitting him. Something started to wake me up a bit and I started to gain more and more confidance in myself. This took a very long time and many years of this going on to make me open my eyes , the long and the short of it is I started to want to take some of the control back and show my son he was not an idiot as my husband constantly called him . I started to try to take a stand here , please understand all I used to think was going on was the yelling and the name calling to which he had also used against me many times , saying that no man would ever want me or my son, Cause NO MAN would put up with it and that I couldnt make it without him . I took this to heart and suffered through much was afraid to be late home from work even 5 mins because he would go off about it and accuse me of fooling around with another man , I never did this ever and never gave him any reason to beleive I ever would.

Some of you may say why put up with this kind of thing for 11years, It is really hard for me to tell you you have to have been there and in my shoes or my mind to understand maybe, I dont know myself really .

The last time he struck me was the nite we had him arrested , he started with me , arguing over something stupid , he had been drinking again of course which was not unusual . This man Drank beer everynite , and if he didnt have any watch out someone was going to get it .

Anyway on this nite he shoved me into a door first, then he proceded to throw my computer, printer monitor everything to the floor and me under it all. Next came the TV crashing down on top of the me pike on the floor. My son having been in his bedroom sleeping , comes out as this man is going down the hall screaming to LEAVE HIS MOM ALONE!!!, This man then takes and Slugs my son . my sone runs to use the phone my ex then grabs it and rips it outa his hand and outa the wall . My son then runs outa the house and to a neighbors to call the police.

You may be wondering where I am I am struggling to get up off the floor yelling at him to GET OUT, GET THE FUCK OUT I HATE YOU!!!

My son I have no idea where he is or what he is doing I am worring about where he went afraid I had lost him , instead the policemen come to the door and they tell me that he called them , they see all the destruction and damage and my bleeding lip. They take my ex to there car and we make out a report they bring my son back into the house. There is 2 counts of battery charged against him. That was the most god awful nite of my life. But it turns out it was also my release . My first step to freedom for both me and my son.

And you want to know what else I AM making it without a man . I am a good person and I am beautiful and attractive, have dated a couple times but nothing serious. I have some wonderful friends that help me when I need help . Heck they had an extra monitor that they have very grasiously loaned to me till I can replace mine . And my SON, what a great blessing he has become, he has gone from a rebellious lippy teen to one that is now staying outa trouble I have very little trouble outa him cept cant get the kid to clean up anything LOL. Typical kid thing huh , am so happy to see him adjusted and happy again , he used to do nothing but get into trouble and hide in his room . Now we are a team of sorts. and very Happy . We still are having our struggles , but not anything like we had when mom was married to this man that called himself a husband and a father.

Why you may ask am I telling this tale maybe just maybe it will help some other woman or child suffering at the hands of another, This is what I am hoping .

But there is one special man out there that I do love dearly, that is My hawk, My online love my saviour and my soulmate, he was there for me through this ordeal and still remains with me to this day , oh yeah we have had some ups and downs but hey who dont . Our only trouble is we live to far apart is hell on the phone bill , *smiles* who knows maybe someday we can be together but then we are getting on to another story.

This one ends here for now . I have found my FREEDOM and my son has Found his with me . AINT it BEAUTIFUL!!!!

1/26/98

I want to say one thing, Thank god for all of you my friends. You have made this the happiest funnest most enjoyable birthday I have ever had that beind on 1/23/98. I love the card and all of your kind words. My dear friend NZane apon me telling him I wanted to save this Card say it in his most generous heart to go anc copy the page for me then he put it up on his site. What a kind caring soul he is. I want to tell all of you that attended my VP party that I was so glad to see you all . You all truely made my day very special for me. My prescious StormHawk , you made it most special as well , I know how very hard you tried to make the time to spend with me , I know you said you couldnt stand for me to have forgiven you if you couldnt have, but I would have and as it turns out you was there with me all nite, and was the very first to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Then there was the real life party that some of you attended with me and a few others , OMG did we have a blast . I am sure you will all be hearing a lot more about this party and our after party meal at DENNY's , hehehe . We had an encounter of sorts with a couple crossdressers. More to come on this party later of course pics included most likely.

A TRIBUTE TO MY MOTHER

Happy Birthday to you my precious most loving caring mom. The lord chose to take you from us way to soon for me and those that loved you . I just want to say how very much you are missed and that we still love you very much, your children, the grandchild that you got to see and the grandchildren of my brother that you never got to enjoy. You were taken from us 11 yrs ago but you are still with us everyday of our lives.

You are the best mother any girl could ever hope to have. You never complained when we needed to be taken here or there , no you just did it lovingly , as you always did and always will , you will be happy to know your grandson (my son) is truning into a fine young man. And that you know have 3 other grandchildren from your son (my brother) they are beautiful.

I just wanted to take this time to tell you about it. But then I am sure you already know as I feel you smiling on me everyday of my life. I thank you for being my Mother. I love you , Happy Birthday MOM . I miss you .

1/28/98

A friend of mine and a lot of yours wrote a poem for me. he turned me into a poem actually and I thought I shall share it with you.

STAR J

She was born in the land of fairy tales

Where truth over lie still prevails

Where myth and magic bring to life faded souls

She dances on an ebony ribbon the Internet highway

Weaving the website where she will plot and play

A spell of enchantment cast where it stands

Linking it to many distant exotic lands

A veil of mystery ever churning at her gaze

Draws you out then into a conversation craze

Be it heaven or hell how can you really know

If to this land of Virtual Places you never go

Fear not that you might get lost or lose your way

On the Web all roads will lead you to the lady STAR J

written by Bear1Mage

*Smiles* for those of you that know me you may think it fits me well . Bear1Mage you are truely a talanted man and have read many of your other poems.

For more poetry please visit Star J's page for Dreamers , Poets and Romantics , here you will find some beautiful poems that were written by my love and soulmate , StormHawk. Another very special very talented sensitive man *I love you StormHawk*.

2/5/98

>Hello my friends, yes I know it has been a few days since I have updated this page. But here I am now to tell you about it all .

First thing my grandmother has had knee sugery , to reconstruct her arthritic knees. She says she is doing this so that she may be able to attend the graduation of her grandchildren and her first great grandchild (my son). This woman is truely a precious jewel. Full of love of her family , her friends her life. She could have chosen to give up on life very easily you see, she has seen 2 husbands , a daughter (my mother) and a son in law go to there graves way to soon. She is the glue that holds out family together, without her none of us would know what the other is doing or how they are keeping. I love you Grandma.

Then my dear dear friend NZane tells me via ICQ one nite that he is going to OK and marry his Queen ANNIE!!!!! OMG I am so very happy for them. Zany you deserve only the best, and I am sure you must have found the best in Annie. Annie you are truely an Angel I can tell even tho we have never had the chance to speak. I know this because Zane's heart could not be won by anyone that was not just like he is . CONGRATULATIONS to you both. It gives me joy and hope . To know your two souls, and hearts are joined together.

Now I would also like to announce the posting of a poem that I wrote, and my love made corrections and additions to , so it is a poem written by the both of us . I have put it on a page for all to view. Please take the time to go here and read it , let me know what you think. I at least think it suits us fine. *smiles* I love that man of mine. The poem is titled STORMHAWK it is my first attempt in years to go back to writing anything, well aside from my ramblings here on this page that is.

Ahhhhh yes then it is also tax time once again as well, We hate to pay them throughout the year, yes, but those of us that get a refund truely appreciate it when we get the check , but on the other hand it does stink when one finds that they havent paied in enough and you find yourself owing more . Geeeeesh what a trip this tax stuff is, and just think the more you make the more they take , kinda sucks dont it LOL.

Can you beleive it my ex tried to have me taken to court and put in jail for contempt of court. He says because I never gave him all that he was entitled to via the Divorce the jerk. He sent for his things one time and there was not enough room on the truck for it all , it was his responsibility to make arrangements to come get the rest. *Sigh* Oh well no matter my lawyer straightened it out for me , she is wonderful. Today there is a truck coming to finish taking the abusers stuff out of my life, it is a releif actually will finally be rid of him . This man has no clue what love is, or how to truely love another person. Makes me kinda sad for him , I hope he gets himself some help, it cannot be me anymore I tried so very hard for so very long that I know feel nothing for him. He has hurt me and my son for the last time. Never again will this happen to me .

4/5/98

Yes my friends I know its been a long time since I have updated these pages . I have been sooo busy and then was without a computer for a few days. Let me fill you in a bit on what has been happening.

Let me see to start I have been to another of my Favorite Bands Concerts , that would be THE WHY STORE they are great and the Guitar player (lead) handed me over his guitar pick at the end of the concert. *smiles* You all should check them out they are terrific.

Then let me see, me and a few of my friends went to see Body Heat hehehe some Male strippers actually .... nuff said LOL

My son has also landed employment *YEAH* LOL thing is I have to drive him up and back to work , but is only temp till he gets his car and liscense. Hopefully soon ... (BTW hes is working for that giant McDonalds).

We had another little VP get togather in the City of Ft. Wayne Indiana, myself , Summy and Chef were the only ones to show up, We had a blast and Summy had some glamor shots done , me and Chef were there for the whole session was very interesting , then we went to Piere's to party the nite away. We are thinking of trying this again but maybe a picnic of sorts this time Chef says he wants to Cook for us (ribs with all the fixins).

Then there is my love (StormHawk) he is truely so very special , if he cant be online he will call me everyday we have contact in some way. Love is all about giving and taking from each other and working to iron out any difficulties that may arise, Someday we will be together I am sure. We have been friends then lovers online together for 2 years and out love just keeps getting stronger and better each day .

I must also tell you I have made a few new friends and received some awsome poetry from them that eventually I will get on my page. You will also notice that I have also managed to learn how to put Midi's on pages I do promise though not to get carried away with that I know they can be annoying sometimes ....

Now on to my Computer story , seems that my mother board went out on me sooooo a few hundred dollars later and a very good Tech that I use I am back and better then ever... 200 MMX pentium and lots of HD space now to and a faster modem , practically a new computer LOL... I do have to thank my dear friend ChefPat hear he was such a dear trying to help me via the phone, spent a lot of time trying to help me and my friend that was at my home trying to sort it all out as well thank you so very much Guys I love you , you truely are special friends ..

I have also been trying to keep up with all that has been happening with my friends . Went to a Virtual wedding of one of these dear friends last nite 4/4/98 was lovely and they are planning on taking the big step into face to face next week. I truely hope that things work out for them Lady Nume has been a great friend for a very long time and she deserves only happiness..

On the other side of love and life I am sorry to hear about the sad ending of another of my dear sweet friends love .. I hope he wont ever give up on it someday he will be happy I know it he deserves it ..

Life for me this past year has improved greatly , was a sad ending to a 12year marriage yes but I am better then I have ever been and Happier then I can remember being in a very long time. The aniversery date of the sepration from my ex was 3/10/98 a very dark day and I have survived .. I am a lot stronger then I thought I was and have had the help of a lot of very special friends both from the net and here with me . Without that I would have been a basket case. THANK YOU ALL so very much for your support.

Well there you go a breif update to the life of this lady, I promise to try to keep this up a little better in the future , but then again the weather is becoming most beautiful here , and life is good ...........I know I most likely forgot some things and will tell you about them all when I remember them . Be patient with me *smiles* .

I want to share this little piece of a poem that I heard while watching a movie , I am not sure who the author is but it is most profound and fits with my situation in my life .

I Never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself.....

A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough ......

Without ever having felt sorry for itself............

4/18/98

Oh my god I am so happy and excited , my love asked me to Marry him this morning well my morning his evening , I had to pinch myself to see if it was true and it is true , I said YES!!!!

I at first thought this was a VP marriage proposal but he said he wanted to make it a real marriage within a years time possibly, We have lots of details and things to work out here as he lives in Australia and I live in Indian in the U.S.A. but we have lots of time and lots of love to see us thru. We have been friends first and then lovers , well over a year . He has been there for me when I was down and I have been there when he was not at his best as well . If nothing else we do know we love each other very much we communicate daily with each other either in VP thru ICQ or by telephone , Some of you may think that this is silly , Nuts , Crazy even .. But to those I say what is life without risk , anytime you fall in love or make a friend you are taking a risk .

I am on a Rollercoaster here I am in LOVE!!!! He means the world to me and I do not care who knows it He is my STORMHAWK .

5/2/98

Hi gang , back again time to say whats been up with me again I guess... Same as usuall Still very very much in Love with StormHawk and looking forward to our meetin in 3 weeks time . Pray for me that all goes acording to plan this time please.

Just came in from mowing the lawn here hehehe WHAT FUN !! Actually it is one task that I really dont mind doing is great excersise .

Took the time to play fetch with my little girl hehehe . I love my dogs , they love you unconditionally . Even when I am in a sad or depressed or angry mood they still love me and try to comfort me . They are always but always happy to see me when I return home from work or even a 5 min trip to the post office they show such joy at my return its incredible . My little golden lab loves me and I love her then there is the old man my black lab have had him for 13 years now and will be sad the day he choses to leave this earth . He has been a constant loyal fellow for low these many years . Good watch dog he is grew up with my son .. Hoping that he has a few good years left in him still , he is turning gray now and his body wont romp and play as it used to but he still trys bless him . Dogs , Cats , they love there owners , and above all are a pleasure to have . Must remember one thing about Cats though sometimes they dont give back to you what a dog will as a cat is much more independent . But they do still show much affection in a different way .

hehehe Here is a pic of my sweet little Girl Will find one of the old man when I can......

5/10/98

Well here it is Mothers Day , I have to say this I beleive anyone can give birth (providing you are female hehehe) But it takes someone very special to be a MOM. I have been honored to have had one of the very best MOM'S that there ever was or ever will be, I am also going to include here my dear sweet Grandmother who loves all her children and grandchildren so very much . These two women have been nothing but an inspiration and roll models for me my whole entire life. I am a bit sad this day as I cannot spend it with my Mom she has passed on from this world and moved on into another. I just wanted to take this time to honor in this small way all Mothers , round the world.

6/21/98

Yes my friends I know i have been lax in my duties to this page and to letting you all know what has been happening with me.

First off have had a bit of a dissapointment . A Friend who claims to be a friend and sister , has let me down and hurt me . We were planning a VP party together. But because of some major misunderstanding she made a big sceen in front of everyone and asked to be pulled out. It is a shame as this promises to be one of the Bigger VP parties ever . I just wish she would have had the courage to talk it over with me first instead of blowing up and pulling out. Alas is ok we will have fun anyway . It is just a shame that she will not be there .

Yes gang my StormHawk was to come to visit me , but alas that also fell through and did not happen. It seems his boss decided that he wasnt to come after all .. He was to have someone else come in his stead , and He is to stay and work there. This is the second time that such a meeting has fallen through . Seems I am used to the disapointment in life .

As far as my Real Life is going it basically is going well .

My son got fired from his job , he expected me to sympathize with him but I couldnt as it was his own fault for not doing the job that was requested of him. So he hasnt been to happy with Mom lately either LOL. Go figure a kid not happy with there parents , Wonder how often that happens across the world LOL.

Really sad here . I fear I am about to lose the most precious woman in my life , My Gramma , She has had a heartattack and has been in the hospital. They let her out last week and not she is back in again already . They are going to do a Heart Bi-Pass . This was to take place 6/22/98. But she has now this day had another attack in the hospital , they are right now at this moment doing another cath on her to determine if they are going to wait till tomarrow for the procedure . She is almost 80 years old . I feel I am a bad grandaughter as I cannot bring myself to go down to the hospital today and wait . I just cant do that . I dont want to be near should the worse happen . You see I dont know how many of you beleive in such a thing or not but in my dreams I seen that she was going , as I seen that my own mother would not come out of the hospital , as well as I knew when my Grampa died as well . So therefore this scares me , Heaven help me I hope I am wrong , I love this Lady but I just cannot bring myself to go . I guess I am hoping that will keep her alive . She is the glue that is holding what is left of the Family together . Without her we will all become futher strangers to each other.

I would also like to take a moment to wish all you fathers out there HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!!

I do love you Daddy , wish I seen more of you besides the once a year visit with you at my brothers home . You have a terrific Grandson here to I think you may like him he could use you ...... I could use your support once in awhile as well . Things seemed to have fallen completely apart since Mom died . I am alone these Days Dad , I miss you , just know that you are always welcome at my home , it is not so much farther then my brothers you know .

8/14/98

Hello there my friends .. I know I know I have been lax again but I never promised to be consistant in the keeping of these pages.

Anyway I have been busy , Planned and held another VP Party in Ft Wayne Indiana . It was a terrific sucess. Lots of great people came to see each other . This is a link to my PARTY PAGE. Be Sure to check it out for more party details.

My dear sweet grandmother also had Bi-pass sugery . Which she came thru very well . I only hope she is on her way to a full recovery now .I love that woman ....

I made a trip to Canada last week (8/7-8/9/98). Windsor ,Canada . There I spent the weekend with Stephan Wulf. Seen the sites there and enjoyed the place immensely. Stephan took me to a casino there , it was very interesting but alas I didnt win a thing ... (notice I didnt say I didnt get lucky though) hehehe..

Okie and as Promised ...I said I would show you all a picture of my Old Man when I got one of him ... He is such a sweetheart .. Enjoy !!!

You may your comments I would love to hear from you !!!!