the dance

she had long blond hair
a lean athletic body
and a face to send angel
searching for max factor

when she invited
our wednesday night
guzzle and belch gang
from the gollywog
to her place
to wait out the snow storm
we slid down james st. hill
snowballed each other over the
west seattle bridge
and busted our butts often
rushing to get to her first
to wrap our arms around her
chest
and pull here to her feet

she fell often

by the time we stomped
into her apt
my ass was mush

chuck, bob, cecil and me
sat on the jam decorated couch
cecil elbowing me frequently
who do ya thinks gonna get her
was the magnitude of his intelligence

as she had no booze
we smoked a few joints and
waited for coffee to brew

she put on elvis'
"that's the way it is"
jabbering about how she loved
to dance with him.

she handed each of us our coffee
and when she came to me
she winked

goddamn this is bitter
my buddies said
almost in the same breath

it's old
was her only explanation
they bought it
I was dubious

"that's the way it is"
twice through
as we squirmed with the
visions of sugar plums
dancing in our head

I had never had a dance
or coffee
buzz me so
sweat beaded my body
I wanted to
fly

two hours later
her dance ended
chuck, bob, and cecil
were passed out on each other

carrie grinned a classic
you ready for me
big boy
as she headed for the bedroom

I was
wings flapping




paintin’ It red

the bitch took the
goddamn front door
off the hinges
a quick way to evict
she surmised
illegal?
fuck yes
but then the law’s middle name
has always been
discriminate

so
we scraped up pennies
nickels
dimes
and a couple of quarters
fired up the green
’56 chevy panel
and rattled to Ace

a can of black
a can of red spray paint
$2.58
our change spread on the counter
$2.06

determined
when the clerk stated
to shelve our paint
Carrie batted her blue eyes
and seduced time

she stood on the corner
rubbed her face red
and started the tear flow

leaning on the door facing
always chicken
always fascinated
I watched her go to work

the dude in the
tweed three piece
was a natural
five buck score

we stopped at
Pop’s corner market
bought Dr. Pepper and Lays
toked a couple of ashtray roaches
dumped the last of the whites
and giggled all the way to the apartment

Goddamn it felt good!
each spray of paint on
the john, the tub, the sinks
was a finger in the face of the
frumpy bitch that took our door

cans empty
we got it on
on the floor
just inside the front doorway

then dumped the neighbor’s
garbage in every room
tossed our shit out the window
and giggled our way
to destinations unknown

two days of hustlin’
before her welfare check came




toke

she named the damn dog Toke
his brother she named Holly
in honor of Neil Diamond
kept Toke high on nose hits
and bourbon
Holly had a sneezing fit
every time she tried
to do him

she would never keep them leashed
I got tired of paying the pound
to get them out of jail
hell I kept Soap Lake's
deputy sheriff in
booze money for almost a year
so
a fifth of Jim Beam in my gut
I took both mutts
for a desert ride

blew Holly away
with my double barrel 12 gage
Toke took asshole and tail
to the sage brush

three weeks later
in the middle of a hot hump
Carrie stopped groanin'
What's that? she rudely
rolled me onto the floor

it was a whine alright
damn dog pulled a Lassie
forty miles of sand
raw paws
and burr fur

she was amazed he made it
it had to be a miracle

miracle hell, I said
he was just nickin' it



snow storm

it snowed for five days
white
the green rolled up like
twenty dollar bill tunnels

we holed up

once
on the second day
she conned her estranged husband into
pack-horsing
1 gal. of jim beam
a sack of twinkies
snowballs
Lays
(three flavors)
6 cans of
viennee wienies
claussens dills
(3 jars)
bread
assorted candy bars
a case of coke
a case of dr. pepper
6 t-bones
2 porterhouse
and a rump roast

when he delivered
she called through the door
leave them on the porch
I'm naked
oh, would you pick up the girls
keep them 'til I call
my nose is stopped
I'm coming down with something

we fucked on the bed

'til the slats broke
then we took to the
floorCouchtableJohn
every nook and cranny
we could find room

we stopped only long enough
to stuff our nose with candy
our gut with junk food
and dump the waste

(have you ever gnawed raw meat off the bone)

Carrie did
giggling the whole while
red juice ran down her chin

I just winced

It was 6 in the evening
of the 5th day
when the door bell rang
and rang
and rang

you gonna get that, I rasped

carrie lurched across the room
butt naked
and flung open the door
what the fuck do you want
she wheezed to her ex
can't ya see I'm sick

a…the girls need clothes
they miss you

jesus, can't you do anything right
she bitched as she stomped
back to the bedroom
bring 'em home at 9

and shut the goddamn door!
it's still snowin'


poker

in those days
carrie's welfare checks were
hardly enough to
keep us in dope and booze
old fred
her step-dad
was a change saver
he kept a bucket full
under his bed
and we knew by three
in the afternoon
he was nursing the last
of his daily brew allotment

it was easy to do him a favor
he happily handed us his foldin money
to buy a case of bud
just
to make it til vi came home

old fred was a gambling man
challenge his manhood
guzzle a few long necks-
it was always
goddamn fred you can kill
a bud faster than any man I know

when his eyes started crossing
carrie would
no need to get up fred
I'll get the bucket for you
then she'd
swipe a handful
and spread it in front of me
for poker
as my stakes against his cache

I never lost




"...the needle and the damage done…"
(Neil Young)

the night I flew in
from atlanta
after a week's workshop
on sexual dysfunction
where we learned
how to use the word
fuck
157 different ways
I waited outside seatac
for carrie to drive up
in the van

an hour and a half of
sucking the exhaust
of reuniting couples
and I hailed a cab

at the house
I discovered
my key was missing
I pounded on the door until
a neighbor's light went on
then I snuck
into the van
mumbling curses

it reeked with the
odor of stale booze
and smoke
I swept the cans
and snack garbage
to the side and
curled into the fetal position
trying to fluff a
complete change of
carrie's clothes
under my head
for a pillow

soon the van door
flew open
she stood there
wearing a t shirt
I had never seen

I need my pants
she jerked them from
beneath my head
then slipped a packet
from the pocket

before I could
gather myself she ran
back into the house
calling over her shoulder
he has a gun

I stared at the window
as two silhouettes
fixed each other

at least she left me
a half gallon
of jim beam
and an ashtray
full of roaches
I put on
"after the gold rush"
sucked bottle
and smoked

at some point
before darkness
surrendered to dawn
jim and I kicked
the front door down

by then
he was gone



those were the days

we summered in bare mattress
wintered in piss stained sheets
when you flee rent every
six weeks
you tote your filth
on your back

in those days
blue haze choked
the wall paper till it peeled
and hung half-hearted
spooks
shadow dancing in candle light

we worshiped the white cross
and when it's bony edge
bruised what gray matter
still clung stubbornly
to the insides of our skulls
a handful of mepro
(don't bother to count)
plopped into the dry hole
washed slick to swallow with
our buddy Jim or Jack

then
when the old lady slipped
into that silver sanctuary
refuge of needle freaks
(and the snore always cued me)
it was time to roll over and
try
to make it with the visiting
half-human form
once proud possessor
of gorgeous

it was hard to find your own needle
in those days


rehab

the night before she did it
she wanted to know
how could you break a window
without all the glass falling inside

tape it I suppose
I said

and then she went on a rant

father raped her from ages
4 to 6 and her mom
did nothing about it
until
he tried it on her sister
then she took a knife to him
put him in the hospital
and narked about his burglaries

at 14 she was raped
impregnated
and forced
by her mom
and the boy's parents
to marry

the in laws fed her drugs
to "keep her in line"

at twenty
her nazi in laws
sent her to a dr. who
scraped away her womanhood
bunged the job
did it again
fed here drugs every visit
and raped her

his office was next door
he was a willing supplier of
scripts to keep her quiet

the next night
she took a runaway teenager
she was sheltering
went through a window
in the doctor's office
and got caught coming out
with a sack full of drugs

she crushed her foot
trying to escape

the in laws were awarded
legal custody of her kids
while she was in drug

rehab



the day before thanksgiving

that morning
after we fucked
half the night
and argued the
other half
me screaming
no more drugs
until she knew
I meant it
from crumpled
sheets
still spotted
reeking
with passion scent
through slitted eyes
I watched her
sneak
away
clicking the door
behind her
chin anchoring an armful
of memories




the call

came at
5:30 in the morning

mom is in Swedish Hospital
she wants to see you
she's dying

dressing
filled with
trepidation
I couldn't remember
the last time
I saw Carrie
12…14 years ago
for sure

she lay there
a shell of taut skin
shinny on bones
tubes in her nose

needle
in her arm

as I took her
cold hand in mine
I wanted to say
I needed to say
I tried to say

she slipped
away

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