UNCHAINED!

THE KIWI TECHNIQUE

No dog appreciates being chained up out in the back yard. It is cold, lonely and boring. Too many of you do a little aimless barking in protest now and then but the most you get out of it is the satisfaction of having someone come out and yell at you. That is because you have not thought the problem through properly. I am going to share a technique I developed all on my own which is guaranteed to be effective as long as you follow the instructions exactly.

For starters, forget the yapping. It will get you nowhere. Amstaffs are not barkers. All the books will tell you that we are quiet dogs. What has been less publicised is the fact that we are bawl babies, especially when there is something to be gained by it. This is one of those cases where there is much to be gained. This is how you do it.

If you see the chain in advance, put on the brakes, dig in your heels and whimper pathetically. Make them carry you to the place where you are to be tied up.(This will be even more fun for some of you really big fellows.)
As soon as you are set down, throw yourself down flat with your jowls sort of spread out dolefully in the mud and wail! Try for long piteous cries. If you live in a residential area this should get some neighbour coming over to accuse your person of animal abuse.
You might think this would be enough but people often think that we are simply being manipulative and that we will stop as soon as they leave. Sadly, more often than not they are right about that. That is where the stroke of genius is involved in the Kiwi Technique.To practise this correctly you must keep up your crying the whole time they are gone.
When they return continue crying until you are untied and in their laps. It will take some time to untie you because you should be crying and yelping and jumping all over them in your frantic state. Only when you are free and they are making much of you should you allow your cries to gradually fade away to whimpers and then to silence.
Finally then you should cling to your person like Velcro and once ensconced on her lap,(remember you should not stop whimpering until you make it up there) then you can have the big nap that you will undoubtedly need by then. It helps if you then have pathetic sounding puppy nightmares intermittently for the next few days but it is probably only the real pros that manage that.

The advantage of this technique is that it clearly establishes who it is that is bad. Persons are capable of guilt and the most hardened psychopath cannot be unmoved by a display like this.

HOW IT WORKED FOR ME

When we first moved to Fanny Bay, my father got sick and had to go to stay in the hospital for several weeks. That left only my mother and sister to look after me. Because it is a long drive into town sometimes they would want to go together to visit dad at the hospital. The first time they left me in the house. I was frantic with worry. I climbed onto the desk on top of the computer and ripped down the venetian blinds so I could see out the window. Then I proceeded to try to chew my way out. When they arrived home I had ripped off all of the interior sheathing of the door from the door knob down. Another hour and I would have been hot on their trail. Mum did not get mad at me. She could tell I was distressed and she understood that we were all going through a difficult time. Are you wondering if I am EVER going to get to the part about the chain?

I had to tell you that part of the story first because I didn't want you to think too badly of my family. They would not normally leave me tied up, but that is what they did the next time they wanted to go to the hospital at the same time. At that point I used the Kiwi Technique. You may be wondering why I would bother carrying on crying after they left me. We live in a rural area and there was no one around to hear. Some of you might think my efforts were wasted but you would be wrong. You see when my mother and sister came home after their two hour absence, I was still crying but I was so hoarse that all that was coming out were these pathetic rasping sounds. For the next twenty-four hours I could refresh their sense of guilt just by looking at them dolefully and giving a dry little cough.

They never tied me up like that again! Thereafter when it was time to visit dad, I went too. I would wait patiently with my sister in the car while my mum went up to my dad's ward. He was tied up too but with a little help he could be walked down to a covered patio area while still attached to all of these tubes. Mum would wheel the stands with the intravenous bags and dad would push the machine that his feeding tubes were attached to and down they would come. Then my sister and I would join them and we could be a real family again. He was so relieved to see me! He had been tied up alone like that so much. I knew exactly how he felt. It was November in the Pacific Northwest and he was dressed in a hospital issue night shirt with only a windbreaker pulled over it but I could tell he did not mind at all. His recovery progressed much more rapidly once we were allowed to be together like this. Once we were able to bring him home, the two of us would sit cuddling in front of the fire all day and I looked after him while my mum and sister were at work. There is an emotional aspect to the healing process that medical professionals too often overlook.