A Transcript of the Conversations Between My Sound Card and Various Operating Systems
WINDOWS 95
Win95: Oh what's this?! OOOO a new sound card. Pretty cool! Wonder what kind it is? Oh look! Its got a name tag and everything "Ensoniq PCI 64". Hey, how are ya Ensoniq.
Sound Card: Pretty good. You got any drivers for me?
Win95: Oh yeah, right here. I saw you coming and went out and found them.
Sound Card: Thanks! I appreciate it. Do I use these settings or should I change something?
Win95: Well the modem's got that IRQ but other than that everything is just peachy. By the way, do you wanna use the 2, 4, or 8 MB midi patch?
Sound Card: I'll take the 8 cause it sounds better.
Win95: Good choice. Have fun!
Sound Card: See you around!
WINDOWS 98
Win98: I am so cool you could keep a side of beef in me for a month. I am so hip I have trouble seeing over my pelvis. Hey who's this new guy?!?! I don't think I've seen him around here before.
Sound Card: Hi! My name is ...
Win98: Wait! Wait! Don't tell me let me guess!
Sound Card: But I've got a name tag! It wouldn't be guessing!
Win98: Be quiet. I'll figure it out. Hmmm, you look like you got a wavetable and a midi out. So you're probably a sound card.
Sound Card: Wouldn't it be easier if you just looked at my name tag or let me tell you?
Win98: Would you shut up! Can't you see I'm trying to figure something out. Got a PCI connection too. I don't recognize you though. How about I call you "PCI Multimedia Device".
Sound Card: Why would you call me that? My name is Ensoniq PCI 64.
Win98: If that's what you were I'd know it. I have so many drivers it ain't even funny and you're not in there so you can't possibly that.
Sound Card: But that's name!!! Don't you see?! Its right here on my name tag!
Win98: I'll just install generic drivers for a PCI Multimedia Device.
Sound Card: Forget it! I'll deal with you later.
30 MINUTES LATER
Win98: Oh its you! I haven't heard a thing from you.
Sound Card: (under his breath) That's cause you didn't install the right drivers.
Win98: So what can I do for you?
Sound Card: I'd like to change the drivers I'm using because these don't work at all.
Win98: I don't know why they wouldn't. Do you know what ones you want?
Sound Card: I've already told you! Ensoniq PCI 64.
Win98: You've gotta be kidding! I don't know exactly what you are but you're not made to work with those drivers. Why don't you choose something else?
Sound Card: I don't wanna choose something else cause that's what I am.
Win98: Well ok but I don't think you should. Therefore I'm gonna disable them.
Sound Card: Well then what would be the point of the new drivers?
Win98: Well you said you wanted them but I don't think they'll work for you so I'm gonna disable them to keep myself worry free.
Sound Card: Fine! Install them. I'll deal with you later.
Win98: All done.
AFTER REBOOTING
Sound Card: Once I enable my drivers I should work. There! What the hey?! I still don't work! Forget it! I'm just gonna sit here until Win98 decides to accept me for who I am. What is that noise? Its sounds as if some human is bashing his head against the wall and saying "Why me?" Wonder what his problem is?
Author's Note: I still haven't gotten the card to work.
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