What advice would you offer
someone
new to BDSM ?
These
answers were originally sent to the SinCityDsNetwork yahoo
message board. The information is of value to Dominants and
submissives alike, but is categorized into sections starting
with the advice for all, then the advice for Dominants. Advice
for submissives will be added soon!
To both Dominants and submissives
The first thing I advise is for the P/person to know
and understand themselves, then examine the reason and motives
they have for entering the lifestyle and do a reality check
of what they expect from it.If you don't own and control yourself
first, then you can neither own and control another or give
that ownership and control to another.
Regards,
SGM
My advice is really for both Dominants
and submissives. I wish people would start out by being themselves
and not trying to live up to the "ideal" they perceive
to be "expected" of their chosen role within the
BDSM framework. I also advise not letting the BDSM "Lifestyle"
consume one's life. When new, immersing ones' self in everything
BDSM is to be expected; however, there is more to life than
BDSM. Continue to enjoy every facet of your life, don't give
up all of life's other little pleasures in order to accommodate
someone else, incorporate them into a fully rounded relationship
if a relationship is what you're striving for.
I believe
it's common for new people to want to get as much knowledge
as they possibly can, as quickly as they can when they realize
what it is they've been feeling and that there are, in fact,
others who share their mindset. I'm not saying this is wrong,
knowledge is rarely a bad thing, only that if you like to
go to baseball games, or the theater or even sing in your
church choir it's O.K. to continue to do those things too.
One doesn't have to give up one's more generic pursuits in
order to live the "Lifestyle." Giving up what one
loves breeds resentment and relationships cannot flourish
on that basis until one is ready to give things up as a display
of devotion - that takes time. Grow into it... don't be consumed
by it.
Secondly
I advise new people not to try to live up to anyone else's
example. One is no "better" or "worse"
because they can endure a higher level of pain or for a longer
period of time. There is no shame in using safe-words, they're
there to help communicate until partners need no words between
them, gritting one's teeth and failing to use them when needed
doesn't make one brave or tough, only stupid. Conversely,
one is not a better Top if one can elicit a safe-word from
a submissive. Taking them to the edge, gauging body language,
letting them back down - then taking them up again shows far
more control and expertise.
Lastly,
just because a person attends a munch doesn't mean they are
"safe." Be extremely cautious when meeting people
in ALL settings including BDSM. Would you take someone you
just met in a singles bar home? Likely you wouldn't. In this
BDSM world there are always the nefarious few who hang on
around the edges, they appear to be known and a part of the
group but that's not always the case, appearances can be deceiving.
Don't forget there are *gasp* Sadists among us who don't care
if you safe word from here to kingdom come, they enjoy hurting
people. Ask around, find out if the host of the event can
vouch for the person you've met or know of others who can,
always use safe-calls/protocol on first meetings, don't allow
yourself to be bound on a first meeting, don't rely on a first-time
"date" for a ride, have your own wheels. There are
many more don'ts that I'd be happy to forward privately upon
request... the bottom line with all these don'ts is this -
DO be safe.
Warm
Regards,
Cassy
To
Dominants
Something which occured with me when
scening with a fairly new Dom to the lifestyle was how important
a safeword is to both parties involved. We always hear about
how important using a safeword for a submissive is, and how
important it is for a Dom/Domme to stop and regroup at this
point. This helps to build trust. Yet, it also helps the new
Dom/Domme in learning as well. Perhaps they haven't quite
learned to read the body language where a more experienced
Dom/Domme may have realized to slow down a bit. If a sub/bottom
uses a safeword, then perhaps the new Dom/Domme will have
learned to correlate a certain body language they viewed before
the safeword was used, with the need to slow down a bit. This
then gives them experience to draw from in the future. In
learning to fine tune the reading of a submissive, they will
also learn how each submissive is different. One may have
a similar body language with medium play, yet another won't
exhibit it until heavier play is done. This then will come
in handy as they venture out and scene more, and perhaps scene
with a new submissive who might not want to safeword, as they
feel it makes them or the Dom/Domme look bad.
debbie
I started as a bottom....and thank
goodness I learned a great deal in the dynamics of that relationship.
Including, but not limited to: emotional reactions, toy implications,
mental stability, financial reprocussions (and yes there are!),
RESPONSIBILITIES, communication levels, personality differences,
and most important of all, the importance of trust, dedication,
loyalty and education. Compatibility on all of these levels
are a must. Because I personally have experienced the "submissive"
state I know what each one of my subs go through at one point
and time during their duration with Me.
I still
learn from My desires and needs as well. Allowing yourself
the open, non-judgemental mind is EXTREMELY important. Every
submissive is not for every Dominant nor is every Dominant
for every submissive. W/we all have our own styles and abilities
that draw another to another. That open mind should also allow
for the CONTINUOUS education of ones self. To strive for perfection
that can never be truly obtained is admirable, but to admit
that perfection is unreachable is perfection in itself. EDUCATION,
TOLERANCE and PATIENCE are probably the Big 3 with Me.....something
I strive for every day even though I know I am not walking
on water......nor probably ever will. I am human as we all
are....
Lady
DeVill
Advice for new Dominants
1. Acceptance. You don't have to understand
or agree with another's fetish(es), yet you should accept
it as something that is as equally important to them as yours
are
to you.
2. Humility.
One must realize and accept that they are no better or worse
than another, simply because they are male or female, Top
or bottom, new or experienced. One is simply a different person,
at a different place in the path of BDSM knowledge. You'll
never be the grand pooh bah of BDSM, so don't act like it.
When you stop learning, you stop living. It's lonely up there
on your own pedestal. Get a good grip on that high horse you're
riding, for chances are that someone will come along and knock
your ass off of it.
3. Humor.
We do this because we LIKE it, correct? Because it is something
we enjoy. So take fun in it. ENJOY the experience. Don't get
your panties in a wad over every little thing. It doesn't
necessarily make you a strict Top/bottom; Sometimes it just
makes you overly dramatic and insecure.
4. Diversity.
This goes along with My acceptance entry. We may all have
many things in common, but we are all individuals with different
needs, wants, likes and dislikes. Something Joe Schmoe may
like may not be to My liking, but as long as it is Safe Sane
and Consensual, My theory is whatever floats their boat.
5. LEARN
AND GROW! Never stop learning, never stop growing, never stop
experiencing. Buy books, ask friends, watch scenes and interactions.
Not only might you learn some good BDSM skills, you might
just learn some good social skills.
6. Know
your experiences and limits. I think every public scene should
have a sign that says "Don't attempt this at home: This
is being practiced by trained individuals." Just because
you have read about it or seen it done once doesn't make you
experienced in practicing the activity. ONLY practice activities
on another individual that you have studied practiced and
researched, and are aware of the
risks and complications involved. As a bottom, your partner
is literally putting their life in your hands. Treat it like
the cherished and prized possession that it is.
DISCLAIMER:
These are only MY thoughts and practices.
In Life Love and Leather,
Sir Packin
An example: One of the things discussed
at the party was specifically about maintaining control during
different kinds of play. The advice was to always keep your
focus on the bottom/sub/slave...to pay complete attention
to them and to their reactions. Including but not limited
to their: facial expressions, breathing, circulation, noises,
skin condition etc etc etc.
To
thine own self be true....be honest with yourself about who
you are and what you want, be realistic about the fact that
you are only human and don't take on the unrealistic burden
of trying to be perfect. Remember that Dominance is just as
much a gift as submission is, and be choosy about who you
bestow your gift upon.
and
Ask
a potential partner serious questions about their health,
medications, and physical abilities and be aware of the risks
and the adaptations that may be implicated by them.
vegas_vixen
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