13th September 1996
Time passes so swiftly and I want to hold out my hands and grab each passing moment, but my own failings seems to cripple me far more than any physical handicap ever could. My innate laziness and tendancy to let the little things get to me paralyse me and make those precious moments seem beyond my reach.
There are so many things I wish to do now that they are physically beyond me and I waste even more time thinking about them, never heeding my own council
Yesterday is gone
Tomorrow is yet to come
Let not the failures of yesterday
Stop you from succeeding today
In many ways my life and attitudes have changed since I became ill, I have moments of thriving on challenge, determind to do the things that are most difficult for me, take gardening for instance. At present we dont have a ramp outdoors which means that getting outside is like a military manoever. Christopher wheels me outdoors, fetches the cushion I sit on, which by the way was supposed to be a bed for Sebastian but he still sleeps with us. Then he gets the recycling bin which seems to have followed us from our previous address. In the recycling bin are my gardening tools and a cute pair of gloves with tulips and daisies on the cuffs. I have devised a way of getting from my chair and onto the cushion on the ground. Its quite simple really, I just fall out of my chair face first and hope, on the way down, that my arms can hold me up so I don't end up kissing the concrete! Once on the ground I arrange myself as comfortably as I can, pull on my gloves, wriggle my fingers inside the heavy fabric, then looking like some sort of deranged surgeon I pick up my tools and begin to enthusiastically pull weeds and roots. bits of broken glass, stones and cigarette butts and assorted debris from the flower bed.
Prior to getting ill the most I did as far as gardening was concerned was water the plants on the back deck whenever I remembered, which wasn't as often as they would have liked. Then guilt would set in and my "domestic gene" would re-awaken and I would lavish attention, liquid manure and copious amounts of water on the potted plants untill finally I succeed in killing tham with love. This little scenario has given rise to the motto "One in five survive" whenever I find myself in a nursery.
Moving into our first home in winter has had a few disadvantages as far as gardening is concerned. Being a new home owner I am so keen on turning our corner site into a traffic stopper that I have even overcome my innate laziness, but I have been frustrated when the inclement weather gets a malicious gleam in its eye and the heavens open the moment I arrange an expedition outdoors. Despite these set-backs I have made a start on my little traffic stopper here at "Pooh Corner", its not much to write home about yet, but in time it should look pretty good.
Thats this weeks journal, next I'll let you know a little more about life as I would like it to be and life as it really is in our home, hardly rivetting stuff but it's my life :)
